Innocent get hurt. The end.

After thinking hard about the decision, and boy was it hard, I decided to pull on my fluffy jacket, swing my backpack over my shoulder.. and leave.

'Why are you leaving? There's only one day left.'

'I would be lying to myself if I stayed.'

'This is who you are. You're honest.'

I walked out the door, and that man caught me. I started trembling as I looked up at him. My lip started shaking and tears started streaming down my face. "I'll come back for you in a minute. Wait outside my office."

How could they disrespect or teacher like that? Did they have no appreciation for the opportunity they've been given? Clearly they didn't. I still remembered the look on her face.. she believed in us so much... and look what we had done? Yes, I included myself in the we. I had not been the best person to my absolute capabilities. I just couldn't believe it had gotten this far. Maybe I hadn't done as much as others, but I had contributed to her stress... and all she did was care...

'Karen, it's good to see you, step in.'

I couldn't help but burst out crying.

'This really isn't your fault. We should've done more in our screening process. We try not to let the innocent get hurt in the process, but they always do. There's only one day left anyway, and in our eyes you're not quitting. You did what you could."

"I just can't watch them pretend. I can't watch them suck up. It's disrespectful to her."

"I understand. Really, you're fine. You contributed the best you could and now you're move on. Live your dreams."

This was the first encounter I was thinking about when it came to innocence and how we work with lies. I do honestly believe that there was a time where real values, like innocence and honesty mattered, but now... it's a joke.

There are so many things I could discuss. The lies, the deceiving... and it makes me sick. Every single last bit of it! I fight for truth, I fight for freedom.. and to see the injustice's, it's terrible! Or society is deeming that in order to become successful we need to lie even at the expense of our loved ones, that it's okay to play mindless games, that it's okay to treat people like they don't matter.

THIS IS WRONG.

I don't know how people can think otherwise. What happened to treating others as you want to be treated? Regardless of race, gender, religion, sex.. who cares? We're all humans, and we all have rights to feel free...

I suppose this is why I am the way I am. I'm not saying this to put myself on a pedestal, I'm not saying these things to get pitty... I'm saying these things because I need this OUT there and it HURTS.

What has me on this topic now? There have been numerous events which have happened the past little while which, although I've been happier than ever... has brought pain. Now, doesn't that seem contradictory? It's not. I told my friend the other day that I was feeling a little bit sad, despite everything else happy that was going on. I said "I take sadness, embrace it, welcome it.. then let it go." Emotion is better dealt with that than not, and there will always be things which hurt.

Tonight it's just A LOT of pain. Probably because it also has to do with someone else and when someone else gets hurt, I feel the pain a lot worse.

I just put everything into a friendship, and it all back-fired on me. This person is done with me now.. my purpose has been filled, so I'm left in a list of memories which are not going to be important to said person. This person gave it up SO EASILY! I just don't even understand. This hurts.. but I don't think it's just this. Ever since I made my decision to be true to myself and leave my religion for a different way of life.. well, we'll say I can't count how many friends I've lost.

There's a part of me that screams wishing they could understand, that they would just give another chance! Fear gets in the way... fear gets in the way of love.

Contraversal to mention religion? Yes. Necessary? Also yes. That's when this pattern all started.

I wish I could explain how much it hurt. The decision was PAINFUL! EVERYTHING I had lived for, for twenty years, I could no longer believe in. I was still ME! It's easier to assume things than to assume that there's another side, though. People just see past experiences with past people and assume you're going to be the same.

THAT'S NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.

I ended up writing a song about it, and man.. will it make me happy to have that song released. I love it when I get the chance to sit down and really explain my story to someone. The mistakes I've made, the person I am. Why? Because they give me a chance. I realize the risks involved with sharing my story... I understand I can lose them.. as it's happened to the most 'unexpected' people for me.

Wow.. it really is like my soul is screaming. It's screaming and wants to be heard. My soul wishes that people could understand.. the pain. I'm every bit as human as everybody else. I seem to have to be strong for everybody else, especially lately, so when I show emotion... people often step back. Where is the happy-go-lucky girl? Then they go off... on their own way... Gah!

I'M LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I WANT TO BE HEARD - I WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD!

I WANT YOU TO STOP PUSHING ME - I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO FEEL!!!!

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE!!!!! I WANT YOU TO BE A FRIEND, TOO!

..that's better. Now I'll rant quieter. Would it be okay if our friendship was reciprocated? Instead of me being your councilor, I could be your friend as well? Wasn't that originally what I signed up for anyway? Is it too much to ask for to not have to be strong for you? Is it too much to ask for to sometimes be allowed to not be my usual happy-go-lucky self and use your shoulder to cry on? Would it be okay if you didn't use me and drop me, and try to work through our issues? Would you allow some room for me to be human and make mistakes? Would you try to listen to me without judgement and I'll do my best to do the same? Would you try to love me instead of change me? Could you talk to me instead of try to convert me...? Is it really too much to ask?

For a person who has a hard time losing people, I think losing so many people in my life is finally starting to wear on me..

I've changed SO MUCH within the past year. I really have tried to change the focus from me to others, but at the same time being honest with myself. This is why I believe that being honest is sometimes hard. Sometimes people would honestly rather hear lies.

This is life. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for those people in my life, but I guess you could say I feel... weak.

All I can do is live my life. Regardless of who is there or what may happen, life is about the journey, and it's beautiful.

Early morning musings

Hi, my life has basically flipped all over the place.

I'm lonely.

I'm starting to think that honesty is not the best policy if you want to get anywhere in life.

Dancing is basically the best thing in the world, and I'm dying to do it..

Book reading has become a forgotten art in my life.

Yup, that pretty well sums it up.

Maybe one of these days I'll write a real blog.

Continuing with the idea of illusionment

I've come to a conclusion about silence. It can be great when you need a moment of peace. In other words, it's great when you're out in nature. By you I mean me. I find that silence is wonderful when I'm just browsing around the creations of the world... but silence within a dark, boxed space is not so pleasant.

Maybe it's simply because I'm claustrophobic? I guess it could be a number of things. I do have a belief that humans were meant to be outdoors. Indoors is a convenient place to remain warm. Beyond that, I much prefer being outdoors. Except when winter rolls around. Then there's a problem with being outside. Unless if there's plenty of snow to play in... but that's not the point..

Yesterday I had a lot of silence. However, it was not in the comfortable blanket of nature. I had most disturbing ideas... but there's only one really worth sharing.

Have you ever seen 'The Truman Show'? If you haven't, go watch it or look it up on wikipedia. I would say it might be worth your time, depending on how you spend your time.

Thinking about this created a thought. What if this life is an illusion? There is no real proof that I exist, maybe this is all in my head? It seems like a terrible game especially at this particular point. Some days I feel like I'm completely losing my mind.. and if life was only a set-up... my goodness! Someone would be getting some great entertainment. Quite probably too much for my liking. It's easy to get caught up in patterns, especially when one doesn't get a chance to think productively such as places in nature.

Probably going to continue with this idea again...

This is me.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." —Marilyn Monroe

The happy phase.

It's interesting. I think my system actually got tired of being miserable.. Which is just more of a testimony to me that our natural state is not misery. To have come this far and to have learned so much, I feel truly blessed. I want to write a blog entry of gratitude, in a list format.

1. A kind of spirituality Being at one with the creator and becoming in tune with myself has been an incredible journey. A hard one, but a great one. I am also grateful for the spiritual trials which I have had in order to get here. The fact that there are still mysteries is beautiful to me.. life is the most fantastic journey, and I'm grateful to be here, regardless of how I got here or where I'm going.

2. Family There have been many ups and downs with this, as I'm sure many others experience, and ultimately I'm grateful for them. I'm grateful for the laughter, for the tears, for the hugs, for the LOVE that's experienced through these people who I am grateful for.

3. Misunderstanding/Misjudgment This might sound like a funny thing to be grateful for. It is through these that I have learned how to care about people. For instance, when I was at Katimavik I had a roommate who I did NOT want to have. Now she is one of my ultimate closest friends. On the flip side, unfortunately there are those who we misjudge because we judged them as being extremely good, when really they have a side of immense danger. Even those circumstances I'm grateful for because of the fact that we can usually learn from the experience somehow. Even more than that I've realized that at the root of every person, there is a story. For behaviors which I have misunderstood and continue to misunderstand, there's always a story. People are one of the most beautiful methods of learning.

4. Nature Oh my... this is definitely one of my favourites. There is nothing like feeling at one with nature. Realizing that distance doesn't matter because you're staring at the same moon, which is such a beautiful part of nature. The stars, sunrises/sunsets, hills, mountains, desserts... the lists goes on. How could one get bored even with all the beauty around us? It's healing.

5. Children There is just something about the child-like innocence that gets to me. I can't really even explain, all I know is that it exists. This can also encompass the little things that make me happy, such as bubbles. Things which are cute...

6. Education This is one that I could go on forever about, because of the fact that it's been my passion for so long. My mind has been truly opened to all the wonderful things to learn in this life. Books, writing, music... that could all be encompassed here. What would life be without learning, really?

7. Creativity To be able to have a creative mind has honestly been one of the things which has made my life interesting. It's an outlet unlike anything else. It's a way to allow the mind to escape, and to change the world. We would honestly be nothing without creative minds. We probably wouldn't be able to exist.

8. Physical activity Oh the high! It's interesting, because most people dislike the feeling of the way your muscles hurt after a work out the next day. I LOVE the pain. Why? It generally means progression in the right direction. What a safe, wonderful release. Did you know that you're 50% less likely to get depression if you engage in physical activities of some kind?

9. Relationships Last but certainly not least. Right now I have two of the truest friends who I'm sure I dreamed of having. There is nothing like feeling loved. Live, love, laugh, dance! To dance through life with those who matter most is the most beautiful blessing... to be able to work through things, and discover new things about them. To realize that people matter in this life is a lesson to be learned.

Life is looking up right now, and I'm looking up to life.

I honestly find myself looking a lot more like this lately, and it makes me happy.

I LOVE LIFE.

I have too much fun being a girl. Wait... I meant woman.

Okay, okay. I am not ashamed! Today, basically all day all I've been thinking about is hair and clothes. I really need to find a job so I can gain some money so I can buy clothes!

First thing is my hair. Lately it has been driving me bonkers. The last lady who cut my hair cut the bangs too SHORT and too THICK. The rest of my hair looked really good, but now it's just disastrous. Here's an example of before and now.



SEE way too much bang



STILL way too much bang.

So here's my solution:



No, I'm not really cutting my hair that short, but I want my bangs layered something like that. It's going to be fixed (hopefully) TOMORROW.

So onto dresses. Hehe... Did I mention that I need money? I really do. I'm working on that aspect though. I really miss Katimavik... shopping with those girls.









Just some examples of some stuff I've been looking at it. Girls can have so much fun! I love being a woman!

Exciting projects

Instead of being just a thought blog, I'm going to add in some activities. Who knows.. I might even add a 101 in 1001 in here eventually! If I can come up with that many goals... So, this blog is going to be rather brief, but I'm really excited! I've been asked to participate in some projects which will cause me great joy to participate in. Wait, or I've volunteered to be in them. Here are some things which are on the go.

1. Finish songwriting for my album I'm actually going to try collaborating with some people. I've wanted to do a duet for a long time. Something kind of eerie and amazing.. The original theme of my album seemed to be kind of melancholy, and now I'm wanting it to be somewhat happier. I want it to show peace. We'll see how it turns out. Ultimately it's going to be an expression of me, but I look forward to collaborating! I love working with other people in an artist type environment!

2. Participating in a film My good friend mentioned that she was wanting to do a film.. a Halloween film. I'm REALLY looking forward to participating in it! It's kind of different for me, and I've always wanted to be in a film.

3. Writing an essay Another one of my friends is asking a bunch of our friends to write essays, which we will be sending into an authority. I'M REALLY EXCITED FOR THIS ONE! Partially because it'll help me to work through some feelings, also because of the fact that it will be sent to someone of slight importance who will read it. I think it'll help to clear my conscience.

That's kind of my life right now! I LOVE IT!

Let...go

Let...go.

Just let it go.

Let..........go.

Why is it so much easier to say than to do? I don't quite understand why I have this ridiculous urge in me to fight. Yes, life has been hard. I'm sure everyone's had those moments that they NEVER thought would happen to them. When those things happen over and over again... you begin to forget about everything else. Why is it so much easier to be negative than positive?

It's like I have this constant need to fight. I know that I'm ready to move on, that I'm ready to start living a happy life, but my mind seems to have other ideas. This was really hard, why should you be able to move on so quickly? But is it worth it to dwell on this? Think of how much it hurt you.. You were so stupid for letting that happen, so naive. However, there is a way to move past this. I'm a smart enough person. The matter is simple. Is it really simple? This seems to be a situation which reoccurs constantly in your life. You'll always fail at this.

ACK! The most degrading thoughts... but I want progression! The problem with fighting with yourself is that there is almost no way out unless if you are able to come up with a different thought than originally thought. Your mind knows all the tactics that you'll use to try to talk itself out of it's own idea... your mind knows your weaknesses, knows your strengths, your fighting tactics... but in the end, does it really matter? What really matters is that it's easy to move forward. As long as we learn something from a mistake, and try to stay positive in the process, nothing else should matter.

Someone once told me that it would be a lot harder to be depressed if we took a look at what was around us every day. There is so much beauty... everywhere. It helps to realize the natural order of things. Going through trials is just part of life's natural process.

Let.......go.

Let go.

Just a glorious day.

I tell you, the universe is working with me! It's not working against me! Hooray! So gorgeous in fact that I'm almost speechless. Not quite though. I've realized some things, I need to make a new set of goals for life. Here's some things I would like to pursue in thought.

1. I need to finish recording my CD
2. Write the blogs that I keep on thinking of
3. Figure out a practical but amazing career path.
4. Get out of town for a little while ;)
5. I SERIOUSLY NEED TO READ A BOOK! A FULL BOOK! SERIOUSLY!

I met a fantastic lady today! I find it interesting that I missed talking to seniors so much, but I did. There's just something about them.

I also seriously think that everyone should take a look at the blog http://www.numinousnotes.blogspot.com I think this woman is a genius, and I've discovered her thoughts very much coincide with my own.

Tired! It's time for bed!

-K.

Definining ideas

It's been a very thought provoking night. Lately I've been humbled more than I would've liked to, but then again when is humility easy? Humility leaves room for growth though, which is good right? Growth, growth is good.

My thoughts lead to those of ideas, where they originate and how different people define them. Especially in regard to friendship and love. I once knew a person in whom I chatted with for a great deal of time on what a friend should be. We never came to a conclusion because every idea seemed to contradict itself.

However, love, I have a definitive idea on. It is something so deep, that's it's almost incomprehensible. It's an emotion which is hard to explain. To me, though, it's where you realize that that person is important to you. Somehow, you're able to be open to them. Your life is somehow better with them there. At the same time, it's not without heartache, it's not perfect, and you acknowledge that they're not perfect. If that person left, it would truly matter. You would stand by that person no matter the hardship because you love them. It's a connection which is truly remarkable. You want them to succeed, and you want to do it with them. It's a most beautiful, beautiful thing.

In connection with my last post love is interesting. I mentioned wanting to open my heart. I realize now that often when I say that I love people, my heart is very closed. I feel fond of them but not necessarily a love for them. I think it's been harming me. Now having said that, I realized how loosely I throw around the word love. How terrible is that? For something so beautiful and wonderful as love to be thrown around, and then thinking about friendship, who are my real friends? Friends don't follow as deeply as love but they don't flow as loosely as I let on either. Isn't it a form of lying if I'm saying that someone is a friend or that I love someone if I don't consider them a friend or don't love them? Arg. I think it is. It's a cruel form of lying. It's almost a form of manipulation. It's like I'm trying to make them feel better even though subconsciously I know the truth. Hypocrisy messes with your system, and with the universe.

Not remaining in sync with my own ideas in relation to the universe is a dangerous task to attempt. It will confuse me and the ideas which come in to my sense of reality. I believe that we create our own reality, and if we confuse them, it complicates matters more than necessary. It throws our systems off balance. I've been doing a number to my system. Love matters, friendship matters, and shouldn't be treated lightly. Erm... These aren't the only ideas which I've been thinking about, but have been seemingly important ones.

Remember what I said about humility? I never thought of myself as an overly prideful person. Lately I'm realizing how wrong I was. There are some ideas which I've been fighting heavily which I've decided just to relax on. Actually, relaxing seems to have been my method of things. I've found huge reasons to change, and I'm glad I have. Change has been in the air for a while now and this is just fast forwarding the process.

The best way to describe the change is by an animal which I've been related to. A horse. I was a wild, confused, scared thing.. and now it feels like I'm being tended to. I'm able to relax and am not wanting to be wild because of the care. It is so beautiful to be able to relax and watch my life unfold. I now feel safer in running through the fields.. more freedom to ride.. because my heart is calm...

Funny. I feel like I should technically feel more alone now that I realize my truth about love and friendship, considering I was lying to myself about so much, but I feel closer to those people with whom I associate myself with closely, whom I consider to be a friend. Love is a rare thing to be found, but there is some, and even that much is comforting. It's not about quantity but about quality right?

An idea that I should start defining is that of good quality sleep. Won't that be fun?

I owe it to my heart.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - CS Lewis

" If you lock your heart away either from the beginning or as a reaction to the pain obtained after giving part of it away it will slowly rot. Sure you will spare yourself the sting of more pain but you will never know the joy that comes with loving. The longer it is locked up the more it will rot and the weaker it will become until it is good for nothing and because of it's weakness it will be even more susceptible to pain than it ever was. Making it harder to give away. Oh yeah one more thing. The author is using words like casket, coffin, airless, and irredeemable to signify death.
Indicating that in trying to protect your heart you are essentially preventing it from being broken by killing it yourself."

The first thing is a quote which was on my friends notes on facebook. The comment below is a comment that someone wrote on his page. It REALLY struck me. I've been living by this theory that by keeping my heart locked away, I would be able to stubbornly create a kind of bliss to which I only have to adhere to my own rules. Not just blocking out love for a man, but for most of humankind. Oh, I love, but I don't really love. I love safely, if there's such a thing. I love for convenience. I love to stay distanced, but make them feel close. I keep my heart protected. Lately I've discovered that this isn't really what I want, but it's a hard thing to change.

When it says that the longer you keep your heart locked away, that it rots, it's not kidding. Lately it seems like a life of loss. Some for the good, some surprising, but loss nonetheless. The more it happens the less I seem to care. I've felt my heart becoming cold. I found that I LOVE distance. That being alone isn't really so lonely because it's easier than creating real relationships. Oh yes, talking to people is great, but to keep them at a distance from my heart is the safest way to go about things.

However now I have reason to not want it to be locked away. I want real relationships with people. I think I owe it to my heart to love. Lately I've been realizing more and more that life is short, and what else do we have if not love?

I once said that I wanted to live my life in beautiful colours. What could possibly be more beautiful in colours than love? The patterns of the heart I believe were meant to love. John Lennon once said that all we need is love. There would be less war if there was more love. Love starts within people, why when I have been so fortunate, have I been incapable of loving? Being stubborn only goes so far. I take some things as challenges and I'm usually determined to win. One of those challenges has been to see how blocked off I could stay. What is the real point of keeping my heart from people? My heart is mine to offer. It's an emotional part, the part which doesn't need to make sense to be meaningful.

Lately I discovered I don't want to live with just my heart. I want to give it away and discover that piece of myself. I want the radiating colours. I never realized it before but I have a fear of really loving.. incredible. When yet my whole belief process seems to have been built on the premise of love, I found myself incapable. I was wondering why I would look at others and become envious of their freedom to love. I think I can link my fear.

Love is uncertain. It DOES hurt when things go badly, and it's that fear of things going badly which prevents me from being able to really love. I have a ridiculous fear of the unknown. This is a sheer definition of love. Walking into love is like walking into an unlit room. I'm afraid of the dark, but sometimes the room you go into will have a light at the end. Sometimes if I know that there is a chance that the room will stay dark then I won't go for it. My goodness I'm semi-pathetic. My whole life is run on fear! I like things to be stable, I like to feel that things are stable. Relationships can be uncertain, but I guess that if one is unstable how can a relationship be stable?

By sacrificing my heart I feel I will gain so much. I think I will be more free. Loving a man will bring beauty unforeseeable. To allow him to touch my heart could quite possibly bring a oneness that I wouldn't have otherwise.

THIS is why I want to change. I don't want to run my life by fear any longer. Loss happens, but so does love. I want moments that I will never forget. My heart wants me to relax, and allow natural courses to happen. Love is a natural course. Honestly I look forward to discovering it's full affects. I look forward to love, and to not letting my heart rot anymore.

Youch. I didn't imagine that a note would provoke this much emotion within me.

Here's a song which I find fits.

THIS IS AMAZING!

Hello readers,

This is amazing and I think you should take a look at it.

http://numinousnotes.blogspot.com/2010/08/start-new-revolution-now.html

K.

Part One: The Truth of Misery

Hello my readers,

This is going to be the start of a series of what I've been learning lately. It'll be the easiest to split up into parts. I warn all of you, that some of the material will be very controversial. I have decided to open up about all the thoughts and opinions which have been inside my head. What more could I use a blog for than to share real thoughts? My entire life has swapped around, and I can't pretend that things are still the same by writing about the things that I use to.

The way I'm going to enter into the first of the series is by posting something that I wrote a long time ago. Possibly a year.
Loneliness, worthlessness, a sense of vulnerability, lack of laughter, abundance of pain... these are the feelings that you get on the wall. The wall provides a sense of security for those who are only meaning to survive. The wall provides for them what no one else can provide, a haven, a comfortable amount of hurt that will keep you surviving. However, the wall will keep you from really living. This wall has amazing tactics to keep you there. The wall only has a platform underneath to support it. Past the platform is a tightrope. Beyond the tightrope is the most beautiful view you've ever seen. The wall wants to keep you there. It needs your place so that you can provide a place for spiders to reside. Cobwebs will grow on your state of worthlessness. Spiders can feed off of your sense of vulnerability. The wall knows that you'll stay there. It needs your fear. As long as you're there, the wall has power. A power that it can't gain in any other way. A wall is a wall. However, a wall with a human... that's another story. It laughs at it's success. How easily the human mind is tricked. To push the cobwebs away and just to step onto the tightrope would really be easy. All the human would have to do is decide. Friends on the tight-rope have called out to the people on the wall. They say "Look at how happy we are!" The happiness that they feel only generates misery within that person on the wall. But now something happiness which the wall doesn't expect... that person is starting to feel hope. They are starting to see a better way of life. One where the wall no longer has to be a piece of their survival. As small as that hope is, it's there. The wall screams out in agony. He can't lose another victim to the tightrope! He makes a plan... a genius plan.. He tells one of the friends on the wall to befriend you. He tells the 'friend' how vulnerable that you are, and that it might be a fun game to make them believe that you care. The 'friend' will be rewarded for their work by being a 'favourited' member of the wall. The 'friend' goes over to you, and starts talking. you being to feel a sense of awakening because you are no longer alone. A smile crosses your face and you feel equal with this person. They are on the wall, just as you are. There is no competition. One is not superior to another. If you fall, you fall together, because you're both at the very bottom anyway. You know that this person has fear within them, otherwise they wouldn't be there. But what you're not realizing is that this person is not as vulnerable as you are. This person doesn't need friendship! What this person is looking for is power. He has just figured out a way to become powerful at the bottom. He doesn't seek after anything more than to be at the highest power at the lowest rank. The wall brings so much comfort... why would he seek after anything else? You don't realize that any of this is running through their heads. Slowly, the voices of your friends on the tightrope fade. They're yelling and screaming at you to get on the tightrope, but you no longer care. You have a friend. That's all that matters. You know that you're not worthy of their friendship. You know that you're lower. You do feel empowered by their presence, though. Life is complete as long as there's love, right? Then one day you overhear a conversation between your friend and the wall. "The cobwebs on her are numerous! I think we got her forever now. Very good work. You are now my most favourited wall dweller." The friend looked pleased. "You're right, sir, it wasn't hard at all. She just needed to feel like she was loved. Easiest task you've ever given me." Your head is racing with thoughts. Didn't this person care about you? They had never directly said it... no... you had only talked of how you cared for them. Then you start getting mad at yourself. "How could I have been so blind? I didn't care that the spiders were biting or that the cobwebs were getting thicker, just as long as I had a friend." You bang your first against the wall, and shriek with pain. Your friend and the wall are simply laughing. You're alone again. You have nothing left. You knew you should've listened to your friends on the tightropes long ago. Now their voices were so distant... they knew you were gone long before you did. Tears and thoughts are now your only friends. You realize that you can't excuse your actions forever, but you fear that you've gone too far. The damage that was done to you feels irreversible. This feeling is as though you're drowning. Every other 'friend' that comes your way you know is going to do the same thing to you. You let them do it anyway, because "It's better to have loved than lost, than never to have loved at all." Or so they say. The loneliness starts with minutes. Minutes turn to hours. Hours turn to days. Days turn to years. You were past the point of progression on the wall long ago. All you can see is a series of patterns in yourself that you don't like, but you don't want to take the leap to change them. You forget that your destiny is within you. You still see the tightrope walkers as they play, smile, and enjoy their lives. That dream seems so distant that you feel that you can never get to where they are. They had tried so hard to convince you that their way of life was better. That it wasn't as had as it seemed, and that you could do it if you really tried. But none of them could pry you off the wall. You had to decide to do that yourself. However, you know that you chose to take the 'easier way'. The way that was familiar to you. The only way that you knew. You never thought that you would feel regret. You never thought that you would feel this pain. Worse to know that you could've prevented it. After all the years of blaming, you knew that the only person you could blame was yourself. Now you hit a crossroads. You realize that the path you're on, is a path to nowhere. But the leap you'd need to take is huge. Before you can even think of stepping onto that tightrope, you'll need to clear off the spiders and the cobwebs which have inhabited your entire system! This was going to be a long process if you decided to do that, but you're still full of fear. There is no way that you can ignore the full-pledged consequences of your actions, now, though. You know that you put yourself where you are. You are no longer naive to your actions. Awareness has created more misery than good but you know that if you pay attention to this that maybe someday... you can dance on the tightrope just like your friends did. The trouble now was forgetting the laughter from both ends. The trouble is forgetting everyone who ever told you that you couldn't do it, or that you weren't good enough. You had to prove it to yourself. One by one you pluck the spiders off. Once you start taking them off, they become easier to separate from yourself. The cobwebs can be moved with the clearing of a hand! The more cobwebs you clear, the bigger you smile. Spider after spider, cobweb after cobweb, you start to laugh! You laugh so hard that you cry. There has never been quite a feeling like this before.. you feel freedom. But once they're clear, you don't know where to step. Never before have you left the comfort of the wall. The wall is screaming at you, telling you to pin yourself back to it. In rebellion you remove one hand. You flex your hand a couple of times because it was in that position for so long. Then you set the other hand free for good, free from the overwhelming power of the wall! The wall is now crying in agony shouting "How dare you! How dare you be smarter than my trap!" You're more motivated now more than ever... you take one step, and then an other step. On the third step is the drop-off to the tightrope. All of a sudden all the fear you once had came back to you. You remember why you stayed on the wall for so long. This was the part that you knew there would be no coming back to. As much as you know that the wall was bad for you, you know you're going to miss it. You're going to miss the comfort and security. Then you see it. The reason why your friends were able to playfully dance on the tightrope without worry. There was an invisible safety net that someone had just shot back up to. This invisible safety net was scary to trust. If you hadn't seen it with your own eyes, repelling someone back up to the rope, you wouldn't believe it yourself. Finally, you muster up the confidence to take the first step. This was one of the most exhilarating feelings you've ever had! You take another step, and another. You feel your balance falter a little bit, but then you get back up again. You start to pick a pace.. but then you discover that you're going too fast. You fall of the tightrope and into the arms of the invisible safety net, who springs you back up to the rope. You're a little bit behind where you were last time, but at least you didn't have to start over! Never before have you felt freedom like this. Never before have you felt more confidence. People start to notice the new person on the tightrope, but turn their heads away. You're going to prove to them that you can do this. You have to! You didn't come this far just to fail! Soon, you're looking over the prettiest view you've ever seen. "I can't believe that this was what I was missing out on." Occasionally you think of the wall, and that's when you falter and have to re-catch your balance. This was way better than being over there. "I never want to go back." But sometimes, your feet hurt, and when they did, you wanted the comfort of the wall once again. However, when this happened, you would remind yourself of the life you had before. You were now at a point where life was worth living! You had a view, instead of spiders crawling over you, and you were almost halfway through! This process was the longest you'd ever seen, but you didn't come this far, no, not at all, just to fail. The invisible safety net was there, and as long as it was there, you could walk the tightrope with ease. The safety net loves to see you accomplishing your dream. There's a sense of accomplishment even if you haven't fully accomplished it yet! You'd come farther than you ever dreamed possible. When times grew hard, it seemed almost like you could give up the satisfaction at the end just to know that you had really lived at least for a little while. ...and you press on. Your dreams are flowing faster and faster. It's getting to the point that you can dance and sing on the rope. More people are starting to take notice of your act! The more real it becomes, the more they're entertained! You have people coming up to you daily asking you about how you do your routines. There are many more tears of happiness than sorrow now. You love dancing along the ropes of life! You like singing and dancing! Sometimes, you can hear the wall crying because it lost one of it's weakest members, who turned out to be the tightropes greatest strength. You were the key to the tightrope. You had it within you the whole time. But you had to take the plunge.. no one else could do it for you... as much as they would've liked to pull you onto the rope, you had to get there yourself. At first you couldn't see what they loved about the dangers of a tightrope, and now you could imagine no greater thrill. This is the life you've always wanted to live. Guess what? You're living it... you're really living it!

I find that this piece most accurately describes my entire life. Whenever people fail to see eye to eye with me on things, I have to pull out the ideas behind this. Let's take a look at another example:



What do you see in this photo? When I first saw it all I saw was the woman and the vanity. If you look closely you will also see a skull.

Isn't this the way life usually works? Our perceptions can only see one thing, but if we concentrate hard enough we might be able to see another. It's when we can see another that I believe that we can grow. If we stay viewing the vanity forever, we will remain stagnant. In this case I shall relate the woman in the vanity as beauty and the skull as deception. Everybody has a piece of both in them, it is when we find both of them that we can truly love people.

Sometimes it is easier to see just a skull in the person. There is no woman in the vanity, there is no beauty. This can cause people to fail as well. If all we ever see is the bad in a person, then what kind of people are we?

The problem with being people is that it's ego/pride that gets in the way of us being able to see things in a way that's real. We see what we allow ourselves to see and nothing more. It pushes our limits to be able to look at a new perspective.

Misery IS an illusion. Humans were not meant to be in a state of misery, but in a state of happiness. Free, or have little amounts of suppression. Misery is usually a state we put ourselves in to feel pity, to put ourselves in pride, or to remain stagnant. Misery is an excuse not to chance. Misery, I think, can be linked to a fear of the unknown.

Everybody has fear that there are going to be questions which we can't answer. Answers for the future, answers in a spiritual perspective, just answers. Sometimes we just have to accept that we don't know the answers to everything. Our minds automatically want to figure things out. This is where the fear of the unknown begins. We are creatures created to attain knowledge in every form. We are meant to figure things out. There are some things which, if we can't become present to, we shall never know, however.

Here is my introduction. This is very minor comparative to what is to come.

My Exit Story

(NOTE TO THE READER: If you read this, it is by your own choice. It is my exit story as to why I left the church and so it is therefore considered 'anti-mormon literature. Now you have your warning.)

I fight for truth, I fight for love, and I fight for happiness. This is probably the simplest way to sum up my entire journey.

Religion is something which my life has been funded upon. I believed with everything that I was that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the true church. How could I not? The principles are very beautiful. The church is a very well organized, well thought out organization. The ideas of being with your family for eternity, of having the possibility of Godhood. Reading the Book of Mormon gave me a high-type feeling. I believed that what I was reading as a true book. I preached about it all the time, every opportunity I could, but never in a way that was pressing. That is something that hasn’t and I’m hoping will never chang. I want to continue to be open, and not pushing to others. I left the church before, but I didn’t rewrite my core. I went off balance by trying everything that I had been suppressing for so long. Basically, I was a child in the process. By continuing to let others run my life for me, I came back to the church. Very strongly. For example, before that I swore a lot. The day I decided to come back to church I stopped swearing altogether, and I stopped for a year. I also took out my nose piercing which I hugely regretted for quite some time. People thought that I was miserable when I had left. I was, but that’s because I was lost and didn’t quite know what to do. Going back to the church seemed like the best idea. I had convinced myself that it was true. In reality, I think I just wanted the comfort of what I had always known. The only thing I had ever known. So what if there was hypocrisy, at least there was peace and solace somewhere. Or what I thought was peace and solace. Katimavik, I was always fighting for my religion. I talked about it all the time. I found it so awesome that I had all this knowledge so that I could help my group, help other people to find a way to real happiness and peace.

I knew all the answers. Whenever somebody had a question stating why the church wasn’t true, I would always have a retort. After a while everything started to feel fake. Yes, I had studied it through and through, but then how come all the answers were feeling so fake? I felt like a robot just repeating the same things over and over again.

The serious questions started to form when I found out the reasons why a group I'm closely associated with fell apart. This was when serious questioning happened. My mentor told me about a fight between the mom’s. One asked, “Why is it that the activities are always centered around Mormons?” The other side took it as attacking their beliefs. The reason why I started to question was because, if this was happiness, then why are we being so cruel to each other? If this is the true religion, then how come we’re living in ignorance? How come everyone is afraid to research other things, or are discouraged against it? What does the church have to hide? Why is it that the people pretend that they care when they don't, when all they want is to activate people?

I then began thinking about the kind of God that I wanted to believe in. Was it one who is jealous? An all-knowing God? In eternity we’re supposed to become God’s, but there is supposedly only one God. Or at least, we’re not supposed to worship any other God. There are also ‘unforgivable sins’. I really don’t like unforgivable sins, or the feelings of fear, guilt and shame that the church consistently brings. What if Satan decided to turn his life around so that it was in line with God’s? Unforgivable since take out the agency for Satan to lead a ‘good life’. God predestined Satan for his role, as he did for each of us, is it then that we're automatically damned? Why should we have to submit to one being for the rest of eternity? Basically we’re getting through this life so that we can be a slaves to a very selfish God. If that’s the case, then I’d definitely rather not. I want real peace, real happiness. I don’t want a happiness that’s only created in my mind.

When I was in the church, I always had the constant feeling of fear, guilt and shame. I would look at people who didn’t have the gospel and felt sorry for them. Even without verbalizing it, I would feel sorry for the piece that they had missing. Without even knowing them I would guess that they had a piece missing, but how can you have a piece missing if that was never apart of you to begin with? Maybe people don’t need the church to be happier, in fact, maybe there’s more potential without it. Without the church I see a world which will cause people to be more caring, more compassionate, and truly so. To feel as though the people are people, instead of things to be converted. Some people I do believe have it in their best interest to actually help people, and are truly genuine, but those people are few and far between.

The basis of my disturbances with the church began from the founder itself. Originally when I left the church there were three reasons why I wanted to stay. One, because of all my wonderful friends in the church, Two because of the idea of not having a happy eternity. God will only bring those who believe in him, right? Three, because of Joseph Smith. How could a man who had gone through as much as him possibly have been lying? Why would someone be tarred and feathered, etc? Then I started to really research him, and I became shocked by what I found.

The Book of Mormon has no solid foundation. A lot of it is retranslation of the bible, and the bible is written way after it’s time anyway. There was a meeting with the bible where people decided what they did and didn’t want in the bible, whatever wasn’t wanted was taken out of the bible. The rest of the Book of Mormon is a bunch of fun fiction to read. There is no historical evidence found with any of the cities, any of the people, any anything. It’s just a beautiful fiction novel with lots of repetitive principles. It actually does contradict itself contrary to popular belief. The Book of Mormon has also been retranslated. If it was the true book, wouldn’t it have been fine? At first it was for grammatical errors and now it’s for actual meanings behind it. True book and yet it’s being retranslated. The exactly same principles are being taught over and over again. People are discouraged from looking at anything that might contradict the teachings in the church. It’s seen as a bad thing if people look at other stuff. If it was so true than why fear? People will blame it on opposition in all things, but opposition happens in all things whether you’re Mormon or not. One of the things that Mormon’s do do is that when someone is rude them they’ll take it as them being rewarded eventually because they were persecuted in their beliefs. Being apart of the church is a huge ego boost. Doesn’t anybody ever think that people are just people? Maybe you made a mistake and that’s why you’re being persecuted? Just because you’re religious it doesn’t exclude you from life!

The Mormon religion really isn’t that new in concept. Every religion has some sort of belief in an after life. People think it’s unique, but it’s not. It’s just there.

The Mormon religion is very sexist. The women are supposed to do nothing but bring children into the world. Men have the power, they have the head. They say that men and women are equals, but that is evidently not the case.

Then people talk about their ‘spiritual experiences.’ The experiences that you get from the church can be kind of euphoric, literally almost like a drug high. The feelings are solidly based on emotion. Whenever you have a question about the church, people tell you to fast, pray about it, read your scriptures. The problem with this is that if you go in believing that it’s going to be true, then it’s obviously going to be true. You can pray to a fan and ask if you should worship a chair, and you could get very well the same feeling as you get about reading your Book of Mormon. I’m not denying the spirit, I do believe it exists, but the power of the human mind is incredible. We can convince ourselves to believe that just about anything is true. Now having said that, I have had more feelings from the spirit since leaving the church than being in it. I no longer have the weight of fear, guilt, and shame to tie me back. Never before have I felt so good, so at peace. My life is a beautiful piece of work now, whereas before it was just a bunch of confusion. I never felt like I was good enough. The atonement felt like a burden because I could never be good enough for God, not with what he was asking. I always found myself doing more of what my Patriarchal Blessing asked of me when I steered away from God then why I came back to him. I also have read a couple other friends who had pretty well the exact same Patriarchal Blessings as me, they are not catered to specific people, they are just bunches of jumble given to a person. People want to feel love. They want comfort. This is where religion is perfect - it is a safe haven.Having said this, my new life, here is what I’ve discovered. I’m getting my records removed. I want to take no part in the lie that I have believed my whole life.

It is very hard to steer away from everything I’ve known. The draw to go back comes from wanting to be in a place that is familiar. Is there a chance that the church is true? I don't believe so. The fact that people’s opinions are changing of me, too, is scary. People want to be liked, loved even, and to feel insecure about something like that is hard. But what would I rather have, truth or to be lying? Lying is far more harmful. Rewriting my core has been an interesting journey. I’ve had to rewrite my core so that I don’t go wild again. There is also a fear of what is ACTUALLY going to happen. Is there life after death? I guess all I can do is live a full life just in case if there isn’t.

Since exiting the Mormon church I have discovered a life. A life free or suppression, but also one solidly based in reality. There have been friendships lost, respect lost, but also new things to be found and discovered. I do not regret my decision, for I will always seek truth first.

Endless Bliss

I feel like I have so much to be thankful for right now. I feel like I've finally broken out of my cocoon and into a beautiful butterfly - I finally feel ready to soar.

Something I never realized about myself was how much I was holding back, how much I was not allowing myself to feel. Suppression was very much apart of every day life. A number of things have happened lately, though which made me realize that I had to deal with the pain, or end up not being the kind of woman that I do want to be.

It's amazing how the things that you're the most afraid of, end up being the things that you enjoy the most. Maybe that's the exhilarating part of life, that you can turn fear into beauty.

Find your joy, find your peace. It's so worth it!

I'm write more when I'm not so tired! Or so busy!

Just let life flow, like water.

Since my decision to leave the church, I've been working really hard to try to rebuild my core. I'm keeping my sense of spirituality with things that I actually believe in. One of those things that I've continued to adopt is meditation.

I use to think of meditation the way they portray it in movies, where you cross your legs, stick your arms on them and say 'umm..' In the past couple of years I've realized that meditation is so much more than that. To me meditation means peace.

Today I found myself meditating in all places, the shower. Somehow the contrast between hot and cold was able to get me thinking in beauty. I've always felt a deep connection to water. The way that water moves through this life is so beautiful. After studying the cycles of water, and knowing the way that water feels on my body, the connection is bound.

Do you ever get the feeling like you're trying to be told something? It was as though standing in that water, switching between hot and cold, I was being told just to let my life flow. Life sometimes is hot, and sometimes it is cold. It will shock you at first, but then it will just feel good. Eventually you'll enjoy them so much that you won't want to get out. The cold doesn't feel so cold anymore, it just adds on to happiness. The cold is no longer something to be feared, but an opportunity for growth and development.

It was interesting being in the shower. My thoughts began to flow as water. Faces that have come, faces that have gone, and the peace that I felt despite these gains and losses. My immense love began to be felt through the water trickling down my face, my love of music, love, my physical body, people, and a love for the creator. Instead of trying to explain my life away, I'm just going to live. Everything always works itself out in the end. Instead of trying to fight the storm, I just want to dance in the rain.

Have you ever heard of the cultures where they change their names as they fit? I'm adopting a chosen name. Kotarah Soleil. Kotarah shall mean flow of water, and Soleil is French for sunshine. It may seem strange that I'm putting the two together, but water always flows to sunshine. That is the way I want my life to be. I want my life to always flow to the sun.

So far, I think I'm on the right path. A very beautiful path. It's nice to have a spiritual sense back again. One that feels real to me.

For now this is my theme for life. Just let life flow, like water.

Your wish is my command.

Perhaps it's time to go back to being like a child. When I was a child, I read books, wrote stories, sang sons... and just enjoyed life. I knew how to think. I was left open to interpret my own thoughts. There was never anyone there to tell me my thoughts were wrong. It's too bad that time was so short. Practicing thinking for myself would've been a good thing to continue! I can only imagine where I would be today!

When I got friends in high school, I can't pretend that I didn't become a people pleaser. I still am. There's this irrational fear that if I simply state my actual thoughts that people are not going to like me because of it. Other times things sound like good ideas, then I blab on how I feel inspired by it, but then I really think about it, try to figure out where it fits in my life, and then reject it.

I'm starting to feel like most of my life has been dictated to me. "You will believe this, you should do this, what a great idea this is, etc." It's not their fault, it's fully mine, but I'm starting to realize how truly vulnerable I am. It's really hard for me to take the time to think for myself! It's hard for me to consider my real beliefs, values, etc.

So I'm thinking I'm finally going to take that time. It started recently with re-evaluating what I actually think. I know that it's going to get better somehow from here. I'm not saying being a people pleaser is bad, but living my life just for other people? That's bad.

Bad days can end well.

Despite everything that has been going on, somehow everything became okay today. I'm still a bit nervous for things, but so far, so good.

I reconciled three friendships today. That in itself is enough reason to celebrate!

I've never felt this at peace before. It's truly amazing! I'm so excited for the next steps that life has for me!

My neighbour who I have been fighting with for a while smiled at me.

Yep, brief post, but I had to share the joy!

I love perfect peace. I know things are going to get tough, but for now, things are good.

Why I'm making this decision.

Alright folks, here it is. I'm kind of too chicken to admit this to most people in person. Through the internet, it's easier to deal with the emotion. This is terribly personal, but I feel that an explanation is required. Now it might make more sense to people as of lately as to why I've been so upset.

I have decided to leave the Latter-day Saint faith. I've chosen to make this very brief, not stating all my views, because I simply don't want to. However, here is the basis.

I started seriously questioning (I've always been questioning) about two months ago when I found out that a group I'm closely associated with split up over religion. I found it preposterous and ridiculous! It scared me because it was proving my friend who said that religion starts a lot of dumb fights, right. Then I experimented with things like praying that specific things would be proven correct to me, and they were, even though they were completely wrong. There were keys that were supposed to remain the same and they're consistently changing! Even the Book of Mormon has been redone a few times. Even though in the beginning it was just for grammar errors, some of the meaning has been changed too. I can't believe in the kind of God that they believe in, one who is so judgmental. I may be only human, but even if someone is mean to me 1000 times I can't help but love them. I can't stand the exclusion of the church. So many people have their families lost to them because of it. They're disowned, fight all the time, basically just can't be accepted as human beings. People are so set on BEING RIGHT that we forget that people are the most important things we have here. I'm not angry toward the church, not yet, but I don't agree with a lot of their beliefs. I've also noticed that the LDS church is VERY similar to other churches, either with little or no change whatsoever.

Anyway, to conclude, I've done a lot of soul searching and I've discovered that I don't believe it's true. I do believe in a God of some kind, but I don't believe what they believe. It's been the toughest decision I've ever had to make, because it's all I know. The only reason why I've even thought about staying is because I don't want my friends of the LDS faith to think less of me. I KNOW that there's going to be judgments, and that's going to hurt like hell. I'm still me, I just don't believe what they do. In fact, I'm more me now than I ever have been. It feels like the right decision. I've tried to force myself to believe it. I've kept on reading my scriptures, praying, and have felt nothing. Not unless if I force myself to. It's great if other people find happiness in it, but I don't. All I see is pain. My friend put it as, I've been outside of the bubble, and so therefore it's hard to go back to the oblivious bubble.

My beliefs are agnostic right now. I believe in natural healing, because I've seen it work. I believe that there is a God. I don't want to go into another religion, though. I believe that if anyone, the natives had it right. I want to center my life on peace, open-mindedness, health, beauty and love. When I discovered that the only things really reigning me into the church were the fear of possibly an unhappy afterlife and my friends, I realized it was time to leave. I want to leave while I'm still not angry towards the church.

I know that this is going to take a lot of re-core building. The church has been my fundamental base for as long as I can remember besides the period when I had left the church for six months. I care about people, but people isn't enough to keep me in a religion. If I'm not true to myself what else is there left?

This song describes perfectly how I feel,

Best day of life!

I can't help but record the best day I've had in a long time.

Anyway,

My friend gave me an idea for a job. She needed people to work, I need money. Perfect match!

We hold signs. For five hours. The first couple of shifts were long and tedious. Today, and yesterday, however were different.

I danced with my sign. BOY did I dance! I've never had so many honks, smiles (with me giving embarrassing ones back), etc. A guy even asked for a picture with me and my sign.

Yep, I'm happy. Excersized and got paid for it, smiles, people... pictures! All makes for a great day.

A weird quirk.

I discovered something today. I hate starting conversations. People don't believe me when I say that I'm shy, but I am. I feel like if I start a conversation then I'm interfering with a person's life (which at times, I'm sure I am). Then again, if I never start conversations.. what if somebody's the same way I am? What if they're always waiting for initiation? *sigh* It's a vicious cycle. I'm just so afraid! What if the person wishes you were gone or something? I don't know. Just a thought I had. There are times when I'll want to talk to someone.. but I won't make the effort, and then I wonder why they never talk to me.

Man this is a pointless rant.

Sorry to have wasted your time.

P.S. I think there's going to be a couple of changes this next little while... :)

... ....

...

Karen became a sap tonight.

Star, at this point I can say that I would almost willingly love to give my guitar to you for an entire month. (Man, I know I'll get quoted on this). It's terrible. I don't mind losing our bet! Anyway, love has been in the air with a number of my friends. Tonight I became kind of a sap. Mm... yes. I have just put myself on the fryer. But yes, what makes love so appealing? I don't get it. Or maybe I do and just don't want to because it's not currently happening (and if it was then Star would be a very happy person). Hmmmm.... I'll stop this rant now. Baha! Sorry if I just wasted your time. This just doesn't happen very often, or ever.

A Travelling Heart

One thing I've really been feeling guilty about is traveling. Why you ask? Because I do it a lot. The past four years I've been to at least twelve different places, and have lived in 6. Maybe it's the fact that I wasn't allowed to travel outside of the country, that I tried to do it in the country so much. Who knows? But that was my realize of freedom. I could be rebellious and travel all I wanted inside of the country.

Now, I finally understand people who do travel. Out of all the addictions out there, traveling is one of the easiest to fall in love with, hardest to resist, and (in my opinion) most worthwhile. There are things that I've learned while traveling that I never would've learned otherwise.

So why do I feel guilty then? It's easy to make travel look like it's a way of running away or not dealing with problems. That was one of the original reasons why I signed up for the government funded program, Katimavik. I didn't want to deal with home anymore. I also figured I wouldn't get homesick because I had been away from home a couple of times before and never did. I forgot to keep in mind that back then I was living with family. First week I was away from Katimavik, I was so homesick that every day I dreamed about going home. It's hard when you're living with total strangers. You don't have a connection already, but it's definitely not hard to make one once you're forced into the situation.Instead of being able to run away and be a completely new person, I realized that at the end of the day.. the only thing still familiar to me was me, and that I had to deal with the things that bug me. Katimavik was honestly one of the best experiences of my life.

I've been thinking about travel because I found a job away from here. Away from where I live, and quite honestly, I'm sad to leave. When I left for Katimavik I missed my friends a good deal more than I ever thought that I would. However, would I take back the experience? Absolutely not. I learned more than I ever thought possible.

I love leaving because there's so much to learn about other places! One day I hope to travel to India, Africa, Russia and Ireland, or maybe China? Who knows! For now I'm satisfied with traveling in my own country.

..and I'm happy to admit, I have the travel bug, it's the best bug I've ever had!

I - MISS - READING!

You're probably reading the title and thinking 'well, why can't you just pick up a book then?' because I'm afraid of it. Yes, the stupidest thing ever, that I'm afraid of picking up a book. Why? Because I know that I will be sucked into a world that doesn't seem possible right now. Places where people become something, places where broken hearts get healed, places where villains are set straight and peace can be made...

I know that this world does exist, and for seconds in my life I feel that I know why God has put certain things in my path, bur right now I don't understand. I JUST DON'T.

I need reading. If for nothing else but the hope that other people have come out of these types of situations.. to learn things... to feel free again. Funny that reading gives me a sense of freedom, but it definitely does. For whatever reasons, reading helps to make sense of life. It's easier to figure out problems, it's easier to live.

Now to just get the motivation to read.

Because this blog is named "... then move forward.", and I feel as though I've hit a dead end. I keep on trying to get out of the dead end, and going back into it.

Arg...

Can life EVER go according to plan?

Instead of the "...then move forward." blog this should be "Karen's rant blog." There were good intentions for this thing, but nothing seems to go according to plan. So I'm apologizing for the rants.

Apology, because life just can never go according to plan.

This is where the T word has become the most appropriate it's ever been.

Shallow woman?

I discovered tonight that I'm kind of shallow. A friend on there has been irking me because I keep on writing about how terrible I feel because of how big I feel, and she keeps on saying how yes, it's a good thing to be at a healthy weight, but that looks aren't everything. I keep on getting agitated by this point, but she made me realize something. In order for me to be truly happy with myself, physical really does seem to be all that matters.

Am I shallow? Perhaps not. Over the past few years I've discovered that outward and inward beauty are connected. I guess I simply won't be completely happy with myself until I look something like this:



Shallow woman?

I'm feeling the same way as the title of this song.

Why is it that whenever you decide to change your life around that everything that everything crumbles? Why is it that God forgets our mistakes but we remember them? Oh how much easier life would be if I could forget them.

Sometimes there's truth to a joke.

Alright, so NOTE TO SELF: No more saying that life is as bad as it's going to get, it can always get worse, and it always DOES! Pessimistic viewpoint? Maybe so. I was actually starting to get quite a bit more optimistic today. Oh boy, maybe I am bipolar. Never before have I felt like gritting my teeth so bad, never before have I actually thought that I NEEDED to take a martial arts class of some kind. You know the kind of feelings where you're so angry you shake? Or where you feel like if you eat anything you're going to throw up? I should have wrote at the beginning of this post that I am an absolutely crazy person. That I'm kind of hopeless, my life IS a battlefield, and I'm being WAYYY too overdramatic right now. If this wasn't me who was writing this, I would probably be laughing right now. In fact I know that I would be. I would be thinking "Who is this person? Why are their thoughts so scattered? They're just silly!" Maybe that is what I am. I'm just plain silly. For now, this is enough ranting. By the way, now is the time when I will let you throw a tomato in my direction. There's plenty for all.

Why is it that I always start my blogs out with a rant that's usually completely unrelated?

Back on topic, my life sucks. Yes, that was intended to say 'sucks' because I fee like it is literally sucking life energy out of me. Like a vacuum, like a black hole, I feel worse than empty. This doesn't mean sadness or depression, it means confusino. The recipe looks something like this:

Oh look there's hope!
Wait.. there's heartbreak.
A pinch of love...
A tablespoon of annoying neighbours
A glimmer of creativity
A battle on topics which matter most to me...
A cup of endorphins
Being betrayed by a friend
3 cups of triumph
3 stabs of pain...
A reality of my cold heart...
A realization of my life's mission and that I can complete it!
and a sense of foolishness
create the recipe for...
Karen.

Sounds crazy? You have no idea. You know that queen from Alice in Wonderland who says "off with your head?" I wouldn't so much as mind if she came prancing through my land and offered too. Actually, I would ask her if she would like to switch brains for even an hour just to get relief from my thoughts. I think that I would still like to live, despite all the confusion.

It's kind of funny that my blog is named "...then move forward." Am I moving forward? Absolutely. Is it in a very good direction? I'm not really too sure. I'd like to think that it is. I just remember thinking to myself that nothing could possibly be worse than what it was a few years ago. Maybe it's not worse on the outside, on the inside the battle is torturous.

Here is tonight's misfortune. I feel like such a girl! Yes, that is what I am, but tonight I feel it! Break-ups do have an affect, even if it's mutual. Once it happened, I was at a friends place, joking around saying things like "Maybe I just wasn't beautiful enough? Why didn't he want me? Will anyone ever want me? I'm worth nothing." Then on the inside there are thoughts like; "I'm lonely. Why am I so lonely? Why would I want anything else. Isn't this what I'm used to? You're just not good enough. Who would ever be crazy enough to fall in love with me? Some fool-hardy guy, who's probably just as messed up as I am. Wait.. but I don't even deserve that." My hopes, my dreams, feel crushed even though they weren't REALLY my hopes and dreams. I want something so much more...

I once discussed with a friend about how the mind doesn't process sarcasm. I officially believe it. Those were my precise thought processes. I think I'm getting better at hiding my feelings. Whether this is a good thing or not I haven't decided. Whenever friends talk to me when I'm upset now, I let them discuss their problems and shove mine away. I can feel myself slowly building a giant wall, something about the size of China's. Who will be the one to break it down? I can feel myself growing cold. Not cold in the sense as I'm freezing (even though the window is open).. my heart is cold. China is having a harsh winter. So does that mean that I should never joke? I don't think that that's what I am implying. Joking is GOOD, but there is a kind of joking which helps one to grow and one which does not. Sarcasm is not one of those things. Bubbling like a volcano...

Maybe these could be half decent posts if they weren't so scattered.

*sigh*

WARNING: Rant. The Sad Truth.

Tonight has caused quite a stir with me. I've been searching through some internet sites and felt nothing but hatred. I'm sure you could guess what it's about. I've ranted about it once before; religion. Tonight, however, it's not to discuss my disappointment in religion, I suppose it's to state my disappointment in humanity.

What makes it morally correct to go around bashing just because we, in some way or other are different. Guess what? We're all different! It's what makes us special. It's just like this picture:



Every single person has something different to offer, but it's all part of a perfect body. We need each other to complete each other. So tell me... why are we trying to destroy each other? Why are we consistently trying to prove that one person or other is wrong? Human nature, yes. You don't need to be religious to believe in human nature. We have this strange desire to be right, no matter the cost. Sacraficing those things which matter most, family, friends, just to be right? I don't understand the purpose. There is nothing which brings more pain than to be rejected because you're different. Being different and being right are completely different things.

Everyone has a right to be different. Even though underneath it all, we are the same. We are all human, that causes there to naturally be similarities. Being different, to me, means that you steer away from ideas, to explore, to be free essentially. Everyone has their own definition of freedom. To me being free is learning how to be different. To not just accept the way things are, but at the same time, not calling down others to get to where you want to be... on the top, and right. Being right is often a state of mind where you won't budge on an opinion even if all the evidence is there, and you simply can't deny it.

So where is truth? Ideas are fun to play with. As long as people are playing, we're going to disagree. Does disagreeing mean that there needs to be fighting and wars? Do we honestly need to be so stubborn and rebellious? Maybe it's the lust for power? Maybe it's just that fire burning within us that wants to find truth.

I do believe in self-deception. We can trick ourselves into believing ideas. This is why fighting to be right can essentially be useless. We DON'T know everything. I find that science often tries to find the answers for everything when yet they don't. Religion does too, but there are some things that we just won't find out until we die, unless if otherwise shown. Believe me, some people know though. There are some experiences which are impossible to deny, and so they simply don't. Whether that's in religion or not, I've seen both. This is not, however cause for conflict.

Also note: just because a person backs down in a debate of whatever kind, it's not always because they don't think that you're worth their time or their effort. It can often be because they don't want to cause conflict. You can tell when a person is angry and not in a position to discuss a subject. In those cases, it's always best to step down and let them breathe before you discuss things again. Being willing to open up your mind and heart to try and see things from their perspective can also help.

Let's keep it simple. Life is meant to be simple, not to be as complicated as people make it out to be. Let's live life for love, relationships, health and happiness. The more contention we bring the more out of balance our lives become. The more contention there is, the more wars, heartaches, etc will happen. We have so much to live for, so why not just live?

Dear Life; I'm sorry?

Spiderwebs are not fun to get out of. I should've noted this a while ago. Games seem so worthwhile though don't they? Yeah.. games are only so fun until I realize that I have responsibilities and maybe it's not the best idea to continue on with the game. Luckily there is reality to snap us out of fantasy worlds.

So what's the reality? The reality is that there is only one life. The reality is that if life isn't lived, it's no life at all.

I'm sorry life. I've mistreated you.

People are Everywhere!

It is definitely not my day right now. I swear I need a punching bag, or a sappy movie right now. Why? I just haven't had enough alone time lately. If I get enough alone time, then I might be able to believe the state of mind which goes "Life is wonderful. All I needed was some time to think through things, and look... look how wonderful life really is!" There is a problem, though. When looking through my list of activities of things I could do today, I discovered a common thread..

1. Biking: the problem with biking right now is that I don't have music to drown myself in (but music is done with people as well) and so therefore, I would be thinking about people considering the fact that pretty well all I've been doing lately is getting together with people. Right now, I really wish I had that 'nothing box' capability.

2. Reading: guess what? Books are written by people, about people. It is a little bit better considering the fact that it's about people I don't know, but it, again, has to do with people.

3. Writing: you guessed it... people again. I suppose I could write a story about an inanimate object, with thoughts and feelings... ugh.. just like people again.

I suppose this is why Arbinger puts so much emphasis on people. People really do make the world go 'round.

Since I can't seem to escape people awake... maybe I'll try sleeping?

Wait. Then there's dreams.

*sigh*

The Religion Club.

I suppose you could say I've been grinding my teeth a little bit lately. I just don't understand human beings! We say we want one thing, when really we want the other. Currently I'm talking about diversity. I don't know how many people I've talked to who just want something different in their lives... but if they see anything that's different, they seem to hault and put a hand in front of the face of whoever's talking to them, with a "Go away!" type attitude.

The purpose of this blog is not to rant about change, however, it's to talk about religion. I've kind of come face to face with everything that I didn't want to. You know those things that you have to fight and fight for and then you discover that you were wrong? I've had lots of those moments lately. The biggest one seems to have been about religion.

Currently religion feels kind of fake. There's a face, and we stick it on when Sunday rolls around. After that the face comes down and there's someone completely different. Religion is starting to feel like a club. It can be one of the best, or one of the worst, but it feels like a club nonetheless. If you choose to leave, or you choose to join, or you coast along with it..

I don't know what I'm really trying to say. I'm just frustrated with being wrog. I still believe in my belief system that I have chosen, but there is a reason why we don't place faith in people. Shouldn't it be unified? Being in this club doesn't make us any better than anyone else does it....?

Discovering life through stories.

Simulations. I'm sure many of you have heard of the term before. Actually, many might be pushing my luck. Let's start with what a simulation is. A simulation is role play. Real life situations without real life consequences. There are no limitations with simulations. The only restrictions with simulations are ones that you create for yourself. Shouldn't this be the way that life is? Maybe it is. Who is really restricting us besides ourselves? There are things that can kind of prevent for us, but I do believe that if God wills it, it will happen.

One of the simulations I did over the weekend was called "Mind field." There were a bunch of bottles and cups on the floor, kind of spaced out. We had to get to one side of the room to the other without touching the bottles or cups or else we had to go back to the beginning. Oh yeah, we were blindfolded. We had to listen to a guide who was only allowed to stay behind a taped line. You could only really hear them when you first started out on your journey. Then, we decided to throw in deceivers. The particular girl that we chose to have for a deceiver was incredible, but oh sooo frustrating! Yes, she was a genius, but never before have I had such infuriating feelings toward someone. She would move the bottles into a wall that cradled my feet. She would not cease. I did end up giving up because there seemed to be no way around her trap. I ended up learning a lot from the experience, but that does not mean that it was enjoyable.

Adversity doesn't quit on us. Adversity doesn't say 'oh, Lucy has that weakness so I'll be lenient.' no no no no! He thinks 'A weakness - hooray!'

But this is what I mean. Stories help (at least me) to figure out problems. I think of simulations as stories. I am a character in it - and how I react can make or break me. There have been some simulations where I have figured out how to lead a rebellion, there have been others (like Mine field) where I just give up. In the end, I always learn something new about myself.

The actual writing process of stories can be beneficial as well. I find that when I'm in a group of friends my stories are entertaining and filled with laughter, whereas when I'm on my own, they tend to be more serious.

I find I can only read an author's book for so long before I get tired of the writing style (unless if it's a really, really good story). Stories have elements of truth. You could try to write the farthest story from yourself, and yet it would still end up in some way, shape or form being like you. Or in this case, me. I'm going to try and experiment with this within the next little while. Maybe that will be my next writing project.

Just some thoughts.

The fun part.

The fun part about having no one reading this blog, because no one knows about it, is kind of fun. It's basically like writing a way more accessible journal. Here are a few notes about today.

1. If anyone does read this, does anyone know if 'the secret' works for getting hair to grow long really fast. I miss my hair! So much it makes me want to cry. I wish I didn't have to cut off my hair..

2. Stephanie Meyer is a great author but I have yet to read a story of hers that I like.
b) I want to write a novel.

3. Fruits and veggies are the way to go. Everything else makes me feel like junk!

4. I need to start learning french again.

I think I need time to goal set yet again sometime soon. Then it's time to move forward!

I think it's time to write another song.

Sacrafice, Christ, Atonement

I've been thinking a lot lately about pain. How much of it is really because of other people and how much is because of us, or more particularly, me? I was talking to my chiropractor about the way a back works. When a vertebrae is out, it pinches a nerve. When that nerve pinches, the back will steer away from it. It tries to avoid the pain which usually ends up bringing more pain, like a curvature in the back.





I think you understand what I'm getting at. I am trying to avoid pain and in turn I'm causing much more pain than necessary. But all I see is the hurt that it's causing me in the beginning. I don't see that I could end up with scoliosis, or worse later on in life. All I see is that one moment.





Now, I suppose you can also see how this would be problematic. This creates a lot of hypocrisy, and a lot of unnecessary pain.





This was the first stage of my thinking. My state of thinking this past week particularly was how to deal with the nerves that I'm pinching. It's come to a lot of heavy decision making. I wrote a song recently and it has these lines in it:





"Sacrafice one moment


Know eternal joy..."





There is a reason why I put that line in there. I believe that it is TRUE! I didn't write it because I hopes that it was true, I really, truly believe that it is true. I'm tired of halting my eternal progression, but it is going to take a lot of sacrafice to get where I want to be. It's going to make for very confused crowd.





The idea of living life for freedom - for the life that we (I) were really made to live - scares me. CHANGE... the scariest word. It means prying away from those things which will ultimately help me to grow. However, I think that there's a crossroads that everyone comes to in their life where they simply have to decide. There's a wonderful scripture which states that we can't have two masters...



I hope that I choose right. I know who I choose in my mind, but in my actions who I am I really choosing? It was interesting... when I was reading "Jesus the Christ" it said something along the lines of, "For the spirit wants it, but the body is weak." I found much truth in that. Christ sacraficed so much for us, now is my chance to prove it to Him. It can only be done through a lot of sacrafice though.

Now begins the new chapter. For it has now reached that now or never stage.

Anger to Passion.

It's kind of interesting how this is a blog called "... then move forward." and the very first entry is going to be a rant. The first entry is almost of pure anger, and yet I'm hoping that it will turn into passion. For the next little while I might be doing things for the wrong reasons, but at least I'm doing them.

a) I'm hurt. Just plain, flat out, everything hurts. I feel as though I have nothing left to give or to offer. Love is simply drained out of me. My trust has gone down severely. I suppose this makes sense, but the more I try for joy, the more pain seems to happen.

b) I think I need more outlets. I had a painting night last night and quite honestly it was one of the most therapeutic things I've done for myself. Although I'm not artistically inclined, every brush stroke seemed to ease more and more pain.

c) I am sick and TIRED of mediocrity. In myself, in others, I'm just tired of it. We get one life... one life... There is so much that we could be doing with this one life! Why aren't we really living it? I know that I could be doing better, I'm sure other people know that they could be doing better. Why do we just give up? What's so satisfactory about that?

d) I'm tired of being controlled... I think this one is self-explanitory.

e) I'm a toy. I can't be taken seriously. <-- That needs to change.

Maybe I should take a martial arts class? I heard that that was great for vent up anger. I want passion! But I don't want to be walked all over. *sigh*

The glory of pain.