Just a name, just a name

I've been thinking a lot lately about the switch within my name. The thing is, that it really doesn't feel like a switch. The person who I am has never been my birth name. People may think I'm nuts, they make think I'm crazy.. but thousands of years ago, it was normal. In my mind, it still is normal. Normality, like everything else, is a creation.

What do you see within your name? Maybe after this short explanation, you shall understand.. I actually wrote a song about it too, but I can not post it on here for concern over copyrights. That will have to wait till later. =)

When I hear my birth name, I see the Father I never had. I see failure. I see confusion. I see hurt. I see pain beyond all reason. I see someone who was never good enough. I see beatings and tears. I see broken hearts and loneliness. I see dullness and lack of creativity. I see an old soul instead of an exciting one. I see nothing but pain.. absolutely NOTHING! My birth name has never been me, and will never be me again.

Kotarah, to me, is my name. It always has been my name, and it always will be name. It's freedom. It's love. It's a new beginning. It's excitement, and beauty. It's peaceful like the water. It's pure, and loving. It is the song within my heart. It is who I really am. Who I have become since I have accepted my own name has been phenomenal. Things that I only ever dreamed have happened to me. There's been emotional release, and I feel free. 

Just a name? No, that's not the way it'll ever be. So if you're reading this.. please respect that this is the way I wish things to be. Eventually this will be a legal change too. If you can't respect it, then then forgive me for feeling mild irritation. 

A simple life of beauty.

I was meaning to write yesterday, but today I just can't help myself. I would have a return of guilt if I did not write about how I am feeling now. That's the thing, I'm actually feeling right now. The numbness is.. gone. The things I couldn't let go of, are gone. Tonight I was stripped down to who I am. I was honestly back to being my chosen name, Kotarah. The difference is that this time, I'm ready for it. To me this name means beauty, and flowing like water. Water is a significant part of my life, and the word beautiful is what I believe encompasses my soul. This is who I am..

What brought me back down to myself? Surprisingly enough, last night it was a photo.

I feel like this photo encompasses the workings within my soul. Peaceful, calmness, beauty, simplicity. If there's anything anyone knows, it's how hard it is to recognize one's own beauty, and here I was able to picture. Picture myself in an uplifted amazing state. That's when I realized that I'm reaching it, I am reaching my potential. I'm becoming who I want to become. I am breaking cycles which have been there for as long as I can remember, and most importantly, I am not afraid. I'm ready to free-fall into the unknown world, and accept life as my adventure. I feel liberated, amazing, wonderful.

So that was the cake. The solid foundation (funny, I don't even like cake, but it's the easiest way to describe how this works) Tonight, a great group helped me to create the icing. It was a night of meditation. I learned a lot, through simple little things.

First off, I've been thinking a lot about truth and where to find it. It frustrates me that we disillusion ourselves, that nothing seems to be real. Everything we think is the best choice, when maybe it's not actually. Being wrong is one of the most painful things in the world. Contemplating what is real, is hard. One man tonight said "Awareness is the only real reality." Then it clicked! Being present, being here, being aware, that IS the truth. That is what's real. Does anything else really matter? No. Now I understand why being present, being aware is so important. It's the only truth we really have.

Logic seems to have run my mind and the way I work the past year. Emotion is simply too strong to muster. To be honest, I've been afraid of what I was going to find within myself. My heart is what I need to connect with, because there's only so far that your head can get you. Breath in.. breath out..

Breath in.. breath out.. this is how it all started. Then we started making sounds, singular tones, it was more powerful than I can say, for I was nearly brought to tears. I could feel the intentions of my heart, I could feel the beauty within my soul. I could see there was no real reason to fear. I could see the situations I'm in right now for what they really are. All the guilt I feel, the things I need to let go of.. I now feel as though I can get through it... Not just endure, but embrace. It's a gift, after all.

Whoever invented life was a genius. Yes, I do believe it was an invention. Everything has to have been invented. Something can't stem from nothing. I can't even say how beautiful life is now. I NEVER thought it would be this way. I'm ready to go out, I'm ready to love, I'm ready to live.

That is the simple beauty. The simple things in life.

For all there was, was a breath in.. and a breath out...

NOT a team player.

Have I ever mentioned before how much I love my job? Well, I do. I get to thinking a lot during it. I get to watch Volleyball games, which are very much a team sport. It got me thinking.. surprise! Not like everything doesn't do that to me already.

It was interesting, because I watched these girls hug between every score that they did (well, kind of. My job is kind of hard to multi-task watching and writing, which surprise.. surprise.. those are the tasks I'm supposed to do!) They would give each other high-fives, talk to each other between.. and at first I felt somewhat jealous.

You'd think most people want to be part of something, most people want to be part of that team type atmosphere. I guarantee you, I do not fit this. I do not want to be part of a team. As much as it's a beautiful idea, I discovered it's not the way I work.

In highschool when everyone was cheering for the Rams, I would either cheer for the Comets or... the Ramets. You can imagine what my peers did to me.. rolled their eyes at me, got furious with me, oh yes! I remember. I also remember getting so fed-up with how obsessed everyone seemed to be with winning. The pride they held... They were the best, no matter what. They couldn't see that the other team had worked just as hard (if not harder) and so therefore a loss wouldn't be a big deal... right?

Maybe it's because I was an outcast myself that I feel the need to either seclude myself, or go for the other side. If people remembered to recognize all aspects, maybe I would be too..

The moral of this is, that I'm not a team player. I prefer to work alone, or to help the other side. This isn't all the time, but I LOVE seeing the other point of view, I love hanging with the outcasts... they usually have interesting ideas about things I've never heard of, they usually are more accepting, and they're usually happy just to have someone willing to hear them out.

Capital L

At this point L could stand for a couple things.

It could stand for...

LONGING

or it could stand for...

LOVE....

It could also stand for...

LIVE...

or how about...

LIE!

How about I state the word I'm actually meaning for it to be, which is

LONELY!!!

With a capital L.

This IS how I've felt the majority of the day. I miss R, I find myself to be particularly annoyed at certain people right now and wishing that really, I could just have a hug or something right now. Even better would be someone who could try to understand me.

I think I need to form new habits. With school in, I can't afford to play around with friendships like I did before. It needs to be that the person is a real friend, or I don't waste my time. I feel like a jerk in saying that, but with school, I don't have time to waste. My books need to become friends.. and maybe I should write a novel? Enjoy the time with my boyfriend when he does get here, because I'm tired of 'lame' people. The most frustrating people I've ever seen. People who are either friends with me because they feel pity, they're trying to convert me, they have something they want to use me for, etc... I'm just so tired of it! I miss my honey.

I'm REALLY looking forward to school tomorrow. This way, I can get enveloped into the world of education.. I love this world... a lot. which is why I should wrap myself up in it! Milk it for what it's worth, because this is an opportunity, one which I might never get again. Technically I shouldn't even be IN college right now.

I apologize for the similar thought processes. But whaddaya know.. it's written by the same person! How much different could my thoughts really be?

We'll see tomorrow.

A cheap blog, hey! Free is cheap after all.. heh.. heh.

I'm writing this, almost grudgingly. I'd much rather be writing to.. well.. R. Did I ever mention how much I hate long distance relationship? It seems to be the center of my life. All my friends from Katimavik, and now my boyfriend... at least I'll still be seeing him more once he starts getting paid. This also gives me the opportunity to do better in school because I won't have a distraction.

Lonely.. lonely.. lonely... except not really. I realize now that I have so many things around me to be thankful for. Including reasons to not be lonely. My sister is my favourite person, I have the best friend in the world.. I know I talk about this a lot, but it's still amazing to me... from where my life started, to where my life is now... I never thought it would be like this. In some ways that's good, in some ways my former self would have freaked out and gone 'no way! No way things are going to be like that!' Now that I've seen how I've come here, it's so different. It's sooo different, but I'm glad it is.

School is amazing! Again, I can't emphasize it enough. Now, in my spare time, I research. I've been looking at TED video's all day. I could put an entire blog post about those entirely. Although if I did at this current point, I would seem a huge hypocrite considering most of them have to do with technology. Most - ha - all. Everything does seem to have to do with technology.. this is why I'm thinking about doing my psychology paper on it. That's for later days. I'm sure either way my researching papers will be going on here.

Researching is fun because I get new ideas - but I'm really looking forward to my classes so that I get new thoughts and thought processes. My Ethics teacher has said that students have tried to not learn anything in the class, because ultimately it ends up showing where you stand as a good or bad human being. This is under the presumption of course, that we are all good, which is already a point I disagree with. Will my ego be higher than wanting knowledge? Probably. I'm going to try and look at it with an open mind though.

So it's my books which keep me company. I'm getting a headache from being on the computer, so as much as I want to wait for R, it's time to shut this machine off.

Dear Mr. Darcy..

I can't even begin to explain how tired I am.. how sleep deprived I am.. yes, partially my fault. Last night for whatever reason I could NOT sleep. Tonight I'll have trouble sleeping, but for different reasons.

I had a terrible dream this morning. All I remember was that it had a girl who recently defriended me in it, and that she was discussing how disappointed in me she was. It breaks my heart that things have gone the way they have. To have her nagging at me.. ugh. Not a pleasant thing to wake up to.

Then I went to school. For now, school seems to be the thing keeping me sane. I had my logic class. The second that they said philosophy.. and logic together.. I became ecstatic! Not one but TWO philosophy courses this semester. I'm in heaven....

Only one class today, so I went to lunch with a friend. Which ended up being kind of down and frustrating for me.. for a variety of different reasons which ultimately don't matter. It's people, relationships and life. It simply happens.

LA School of hair was wear she dropped me off. I got my hair done! I LOVE it! The girl was super awesome who did my hair. We found out we had a lot of mutual friends. Plus, she did an awesome cut.

As you can see.. it was a rocky day. A VERY rocky day. After I got my haircut, I got to see R. My wonderful R. He leaves to move an hour away from me in the afternoon tomorrow.. so this is the last time I'll be seeing him for a little while. Yeah yeah, an hour might not be a big deal.. but it's hard to not have the person you care about in the same city. By now you're probably thinking, what in the world is with the subject heading? (haha! Although I wonder if anyone actually reads this...) Here's what it is. I've decided to place some of the story of R.

My friend introduced us. Then she asked me if I thought he was cute and I figured 'Hey why not get to know this guy?' At first, I was NOT fond of him. I found him to be incredibly pushy.. some stuff happened, and I stopped talking to him for a while. After talking about it with another friend, she said that the only girl since the time we had met, was me.. We met back in the summer.. and he didn't feel good enough, because I was with other guys. I knew he wanted me, but I didn't want him. There was a point when I did start talking to him again.. and it was during that period where he became a really GOOD friend. The things that bothered me about him seemed to disappear... more and more I realized I was wrong...

After being in two not-so-ideal relationships, I was skeptical. When I realized that I cared for R in those ways, it shocked me. I felt terrible, because I knew I had hurt him. I knew it, but what could I really do? I asked him a few questions.. I asked him if he would've wanted me if I had wanted him, if he would've been with me, and he said yes. We continued talking for a while and I said 'Okay, I have to be honest.. it's because I think I want to be with you too.' He had figured. He knew everything which had happened, and understood my skepticism. It was sudden, out of nowhere, and he was planning on moving because he couldn't find work here. I put him into a dilemma, and I felt bad about that. I told him that it was okay... that I was fine with us not being together. He said he'd think about it over the weekend.

While he was gone, we talked a couple times and he kept on talking about how he missed me. 'There's other girls here, but it's just not the same as having you. I want you here.' It was then decided, that we were something.

This might just be the beginning, but I really believe that having the solid friendship behind our relationship has caused us to be closer than normal. I don't fall easy, but I fall hard. I kind of laughed when friends would say, 'What? Another relationship?' Because this isn't just another relationship... This is something different. Something special. Something unbelievable, and every day I'm amazed more. I almost discussed myself with how much this sounds like a chick flick in some ways.. this is why I thought of the story of Pride & Prejudice. I judged him, and now I'm falling. I'm so happy with him, and this time it's real. It's incredible. So beautiful.

Tonight was beautiful. We talked, played, held each other and enjoyed each other's company. I probably shouldn't have spent so much time with him this evening because of school, but I wanted to soak in every minute. He said, "I'm going to really miss you. I really will." I put my head in his shoulder, started crying. He just held onto me.. held my face. Then I started giggling, and told him I felt like I was in a chick flick. There was a few tears, and lots of just enjoying each other.

I don't know what the future holds, but for now I'm going to miss him holding me.

The bigger person.

Isn't it nice when things, dangerous things end in your life and they stay gone? Unfortunately, this one particular thing is not the case.

Going to school is great! However, I've come across a person who ended association. We've decided to start talking. One person she's in association with, was a person who hurt me terribly. We'll call this person Z. Z is very manipulative. I noted it at first, but I didn't realize how bad it would get. Some people believe in teaching their kids not to touch a stove by first having them make the mistake of touching the stove. The person then learns to not be stupid and touch the stove. This touching of the stove set me on fire, and not in a good way. Having Z do what they did I believe was necessary for a number of changes. It was possibly one of the biggest wake-up calls I've ever had, but setting oneself on fire never feels very pleasant. I'm just happy it stopped before it turned into a wildfire.

I was having a discussion with this person who I've come into association with, Mary we'll call her.. told me that maybe I should try and break the ice with him. That I should apologize. You know how there's times when somebody won't listen to about a particular situation. No matter how much you want them to listen to their side of your story, they want to have their own view. They don't care how it actually is, they just want to believe in the good of that person? Yes, that is this situation.

I was tempted to do it.. I was tempted to have Z back in my life. However, when I was making this decision, I felt all of inside of me going dark. As I was talking to Mary, and having my boyfriend hold me, I felt like I was going insane! "What do you think you're doing? You got out of this for a reason.. do.not.go.back! I was sitting there nodding, with Z in the same proximity as me debating wither or not I should go up to them and apologize. Shouldn't I apologize after all for having said the things I said to him? Shouldn't I apologize for cutting them out of my life? The truth is.. no.. I shouldn't. I'm not the type of person who likes cutting people out of their life. In fact, it takes quite a lot for me to want to do it permanately... I just care too much. Now that I'm able to think, that I'm away from Mary and have sounded it through in my head.. I feel stupid for even considering letting them back in. No, I don't want to be wrapped around your fingers. No, I don't want your control. No, I don't want to be manipulated by you. You treated me so horribly, unnaturally horribly and there is no place in my life for that. You will NOT have me again. Never never never. My soul is screaming at Z, and it's for very specific reasons. I feel so much FEAR! Why would I let something back into my life which hurt me so bad? Especially knowing that they have not changed... that they're still living the same lie.

What do I have to apologize for? I see you for who you are, Z. That is why you need me to apologize. I SEE beyond your mask, the one you wear for the world.. and you HATE that. That is why I would have had to apologize. You don't like that I see what you are.. and you don't like that I could be the one to change things. Z knows I could reveal his lie, and eventually there would be no way to cover it up. Liars get caught.. especially one with a life with this many lies.

Mary told me to be the 'Bigger person'. To have it end..us ignoring each other completely. She is back in my life after all and so I'd probably run into him after all right?

The thing is, that this is what I know Z would expect me to do. Z expects me to give in. When I cut off association from them, I don't think they thought that I would actually stay out.. but I have. I have not gone back to them. Z no longer rules me, they no longer rule my life. I will not allow the worthlessness that was felt, I will not allow the tears back, I will be the bigger person.. but not in the way she wants me to. I will be the bigger person by not allowing this to happen. Never again. I won't get caught in the web.. it's over.

This is how I will stay free. I will stay free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwa4Qd1jLd0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM&feature=autoplay&list=FLB_vgo7qpdUQ&index=2&playnext=1

Love.

"My view is that it's precious, you could almost call it sacred, between two people. Something which is earned. Something which only the two experience in a combined, entwined world. It's also lovely... but powerful. A very strong emotion. Love is strong, and therefore there can be problems within it. It's a deep connection with the person stronger than words can say. It's deeper than infatuation. It's not frivolous, it's a real emotion." - Kotarah Soleil

Everybody wants their story told.

As I was walking down the halls today, I heard a girl complaining to another girl about some sort of falling out, which the person wouldn't even listen to their side of the story. You could hear the emotion, the tension in her voice, and a familiar sound of sadness.. of loss..

This is not an unfamiliar story, and in fact, I think it gets worse. I think the lack of wanting to hear other people's stories, and wanting to be heard is almost funny. Everybody wants their story told. They want to be heard, but quite often we don't want to hear the other person's because it might hurt us. It might be contrary to what we think, or how we believe. Most of the time we ask for another person's opinion only to fill them with our own. If they don't agree with us, we stomp our feet at them and say 'hum bug!'

There are a few people who can get over this mindset though. There are people who can step into another person's story...

One of my favourite books as a child was 'Walk Two Moons.' It's about a young girl named Salamanca, who was a young girl who had a lot of learning to do. Her mother died, and she had to come to terms with it. In this book, she had to step into the shoes of many.. and she did it well.

Do you remember the song by Amanda something or other where it was 'Everybody has a story which can break you heart?' I don't know how many times that this has proven me right. I love it when people explain their stories.. and it's from the heart. I love seeing tears in a person's eyes, and being able to cry with them. Why? Because they felt that they could share their story with me, and I had allowed myself to listen enough to allow a way to help them out.

We all want to be heard, plain and simple. we all have these marvelous lives.. which have many paths, heartaches, rises and falls.. laughter and love.. it's life!

First day of college - have to document!

So it's here - it's really happening - and this is not a dream. I just went to my first day of college, a day which I cannot repeat and so I feel the need to document it. Some people might think I'm crazy for being so excited about something that most people dread so much. Here's the thing, education and learning are probably my favourite parts about life. Those are the things which drive me for a hope for a better life. I feel like a broken record when I talk about how much I love education, but really why else were we placed here but to learn? Isn't learning kind of the whole point? School is just a more focused central point where there is oodles of information available in one place, at set times under a set structure. That's all school is.

My first class was Ethics. It's a philosophy class. Philia - love Sophia - wisdom so the literal translation of philosophy is 'love of wisdom'... = YESSSSSSS! Hurray! This certainly describes me. The teacher opened the class by showing us a cover to a book:

He then asked us to tell him what the two errors were. I, personally could not find anything until the entire class was doing the exercise together. He asked one boy to read the title out loud. I didn't realize how much the mind tends to play tricks on us, for I completely skipped the fact that there are two 'the's' in the title. My mind assumed that there was just one the, as I'm sure most of us would. It was frustrating to not be able to see it.

He went on to tell us about the mindset we need to go into this class with. We need to open our minds, and to put a long story short, question everything! Our perceptions will naturally change and we will start to see the way we work in our own ethics. The more we know, the more we know that we know nothing. Basically, I'm more than ecstatic for this class! I love the teacher, the content.. and I'm looking forward to what this class has to offer!

Then I had a two hour break. I thought it would be long, but it really wasn't. I got to talk to R, and another friend whom I haven't talked to in a long time. It was semi-frustrating because I was trying to figure out the website for the school so that I could actually see the assignment that I needed to read! Luckily I figured it out. It's cool to see the different kinds of people around the college. People I haven't seen for a long time, people from different countries, people trying to offer summer jobs and just help the students out. It feels very homey at the college, which is probably a good thing considering I'm probably going to have my second home at the college!

Then I had my psychology course. My teacher was a police officer, and you can definitely tell. He has a 'let get down to business!' not to defeat the huns, but let's get the schoolwork done type attitude. The last police officer who I got a lecture from was one of the most inspiring people I've ever met, therefore I'm looking forward to time with him and seeing his personality more. Psychology is a course which makes me excited yet nervous. We have to write a research paper unlike anything I've ever done before, yet it won't be too terribly difficult all at the same time. He says that he's going to be spoon feeding us information, how to do well on the tests, etc.

Psychology of course is completely interesting. I must admit that I let out a little bit of a sigh when he yet again mentioned that this course IS going to have some science in it. I tried to make myself excited for that part of it. The brain mechanics are a part of the learning of psychology. I'm not as nervous for this course as I originally was though. We learned different types of testing to do. All sorts of professions need psychology just to understand the brain mechanics behind a person.

Oh so much information! My brain is on overload, and this was kind of relieving to write. I did meet some new people, learned some new things, and look forward to doing this again in the morning except with new classes!

HURRAY FOR SCHOOL!!!!

It's like Christmas!

Okay.. so here I am, jumping up and down nearly... why do you ask? I start my first day of college tomorrow.

THAT'S RIGHT! In ten hours I will be anxiously awaiting.. five minutes till class. It's been a tough road to get here, and I'm not going to stifle away this opportunity! I've put too much work and effort into this beautiful thing! It's taken time to decide what I want to do, it's taken energy and effort to study for that stupid exam.. but I'm here. Going to be taking classes. So excited! I want to document my first day. Treasure it.. soak in every moment.

You know, a lot of people start blogs because they're going on a specific adventure. Life IS my adventure and I'm going to take every moment in. I want to treat my life like every day is an adventure.

My heart is bursting with love and excitement! I've been waiting to get this far. There is a bit of fear, nervousness, but most importantly is that ounce of excitement... that treasured excitement...

This has been a remarkably great evening. Unbelievably so. I can't quite describe it.. maybe between the two hour conversation with the best friend, A we'll call her.. the email from the ex saying that he wants to be friends again, or the conversation with the boyfriend whom we'll call R.

A and I always have the most amazing conversations. Today it revolved around the changes which have taken place within us first off. When we met, we were both at places which were not concrete, not stable. The defining moments, the things we've been through have all brought us to the place where we are now. In a concrete masterpiece of a friendship of which I could've only dreamed.

That's the thing.. a lot of the things which are now happening in my life I could only thought to have been reality in my mind. It IS real. Life IS happening and it's more beautiful than ever.

9 hours and 50 minutes till school!

An inspirational woman.

http://gnomesspace.blogspot.com/ <--- that is a blog of the woman who has inspired me the most lately. Tonight I was falling into a ridiculously depressing fashion over none other than, yet again, the way I look. Maybe it's simply the fact that I was at a volleyball game in which the women are massively gorgeous.. and thin.

That's why this lady inspires me. She inspires me because she has had a similar problem to me, in fact many, and so to see her pushing through the one horror which has hung over my head for my whole life, is a miracle. I hope that in doing this I do not offend her, for that is not my intention. I do believe that this is a battle with a lot of people in today's society. How could it not be? Obesity rates are rising... food is full of junk.. and with technology on the rise, what use do we have for actually doing physical activities?

I have a tiny amount of forty pounds to lose. I dreamed that this would happen to me, where I'd only be down to having to lose that much. Really, I should stop being down on myself. I have an amazing friends, an amazing boyfriend, school starts on MONDAY which means I'm getting closer to one dream.. so why not dream bigger? Why not allow my other dreams to come through? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I will be beautiful in as many ways as I possibly can be. I just have to realize that this is a journey not a sprint. If I sprint without training I'm hurt myself. Just like if I try to lose weight too quickly without it being sustainable then I will fail. I don't want to set myself up for failure. I want to set myself for life.

So thank you Naomi. Thank you for helping me to realize that I'm not alone, and that I can do this!

Luckily it is today that I realized that I have an amazing life... full of opportunity, full of love, and I'm going to live it!

<3

The ultimate facebook status.

Like my friend Laura, I was tempted to get a twitter because of the fact that I feel like changing my status every five minutes. So instead they shall be documented here. Hello over tiredness and trying to calm down enough for sleep...

My kitten is adorable. However, she likes to use her teeth way too much! If only her and I didn't have opposite sleeping schedules.

School starts on Monday. You know what this means? Maybe life can have balance again, and it's the beginning of my dreams.

This year undoubtedly will be the year when my best friend and I will unite. =) I can feel it! This makes me more than happy, for she is the best part of me.

My kitty is purring =) However she is not holding still for my photos that I want to take of her cute little self.

Maybe if I was exercising as much instead of being on facebook I would reach my goal a lot faster. In fact, this is a fact.

I should go to bed earlier. Then I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in now, in which I'm so over tired that I'm not tired. Oh dear.. I work tomorrow too...

Obsession with pictures! I say YES!

Sometimes I wish that the answers to questions were written somewhere, or spoken somewhere, or even known in general. Then again, if all our questions were answered.. life would be a lot less interesting...

Why can't my kitten stay little forever?

What happened to that guy who wrote me the love letter when I was thirteen? Oh well =P It doesn't really matter now!

That was way too difficult of a summer.. technically, shouldn't I still be trying to get over it though?

'The Secret'...

The universe is simply wonderful! Everything seems to be panning out the way it should. It's amazing how much I feel at peace and in balance with the universe.

I love my ring... =D

Dear boy: you shall remain anonymous as I gush about how awesome you are. I'm so lucky!

School? School? Is it really only going to be happening in a few days??? EEEEKKK!!!!!!!!

Wouldn't it be cool if animals could create in the way that we can? Maybe they secretly can.. and we just don't know it..

Losing friends is hard. However, there is only one friendship I dream of getting back. If I could get that one friendship back, I would never complain about the other friendships I've lost again.. please...?

Why are men so much less annoying than girls?

Question everything. Clearly I believe in this, especially if you think I'm a scientist. Best insult I've ever gotten!

I want to live my life full of surprises. There's people who do all these awesome things, I want to be one of those people.

It's so much easier to be happy than be miserable. Who would've thought!

As I'm doing this I'm watching 'The Bee Movie'

MOST AMAZING EXPERIENCE TODAY! I allowed myself to surrender to positivity and excitement. I'll try to remember tomorrow what it was about and elaborate more on this amazing experience.

I dislike drama.

I believe strongly that we draw the types of people whom we are most like. Those people who aren't as similar, generally leave in one way or other. Unfortunate but it is the line of life...

Are dolphins aliens? I would love to have a conversation with a dolphin. Maybe that's a worthwhile language to invest in learning.. they are very intelligent beings after all!

Why is do all the break-ups and engagements happen at the same time? I feel bad for the people who are breaking up at this time.. but I can't help but feel happy for the people who are getting married either!

I want to find a group of friends who would burst into a real life musical with me sometime!

My computer being broken is a terrible inconvenience. *sigh* It would cause songwriting to go by so much easier... plus a piano. I WANT A PIANO!!!!!!

So many books.. why aren't I reading them? Dern. School's coming. No more time... should've done it while I had it. I'll make time! Somehow!

I'm craving Chef Joyanne's amazing raw cheezecake right now! Um num num num.

Guys are awesome. Just saying.

I want to be able to use 'The Artists Way' to help me finish my novel! Idea for years, yeah I think it's time.

Manipulations gralkakljemelkd. I disliked those gongshows. You make it seem so easy to have such big lies.. don't you get tired of the masks? dlafjldfkajdlfkjasdfklad

I want so badly to break the cycle. Other people in my family have done it, so why can't I? I am the only one getting in the way of my destiny.

Ingrid Michaelson blows me away.. hey! My birthday's coming up. Someone should buy me tickets. Wait.. my birthday's coming up. Time to call O-sho's!

IwantaMacIwantaMacIwantaMacIwantaMac - because I have zero luck with technology and they're epic.

And it came to pass... that she finally found a guy worth wasting time on. =D

Ontario and Quebec seriously need to be closer. Why can't they be where the smaller towns around here are? It would be much more handy after all.

Heightened sense, psychic abilities.. woah.

Strangely enough, I have not missed my cell phone. Sure, it's an awful inconvenience, but semi... refreshing!

Two guys and a pizza place is epic.

My job was a headache today. Learning is fun, but so many things to remember!

Why can't I stop comparing myself to THOSE girls? I'm me.

I love how I'm connecting with people from my past. History often cycles, but this is dern good cycle.

Oh me oh my. That status makes me sad. 'Wake-up. Eat. Sleep. Game. Every day.' That's a sad life don't you think?

If money grew on trees, could you imagine how much worse the obesity rate would be? We would have NO reason to go out! Plus, we'd probably be lazy slobs. I vote against this invention. Something for nothing is just a cheap way out.

I have the best sister in the whole wide world!!!!!! I LOVE HER!

Patience is a virtue. I want a baby.. but Masters Degree is more important. So is more of a balance in life. Yep, baby will wait.

I will be satisfied!!!!! Just you wait.

Had lunch with one of the most amazing people in existence... plus two AMAZING people got engaged. They'll dominate the world!!!!!

"One who disagrees with everything taught, learns nothing; One who agrees with everything taught, learns much that isn't so; One who listens, gains thoughts; One who thinks, gains reasoning to agree or disagree; One who reasons, gains education; One who acts on education, gains experience; One who has experience, gains wisdom."

I am going to regret this in the morning.. man. So tired. I think it's time to end this fun, and let 'The Bee Movie' lull me to sleep. Kitten, please sleep and I shall join you.

So ends my status. Pleasant dreams.

Please don't put me on that pedestal, I'm only human..

I have a problem. That is that of pedestal's. I remember having this problem, and still having this problem with other people. There are so many who seem to have so much more, to be so incredible when at the end of the day guess what? We're human.

I'm going through some things right now in which people have places me on too high of a pedestal. My problem with this pedestal is that there is no room for growth, no room for improvement... no room for being human. The problem with that is that I'm pretty sure that human is what I am... and that is what I shall be until the day that I die.

'The Secret'.. actually... scratch that..

So. I changed my facebook status to 'Karen thinks that 'The Secret' might actually be on to something..' Yes ladies and gents, I will admit that I have somewhat of a belief in the power of the.. universe. Sorry, still not quite a believer in 'The Secret' =P

Well, it makes sense doesn't it? The universe draws whatever you wish to it. I've been thinking about the fact that humans only use a small percentage of their brains.. could you really IMAGINE what we could do with full brain capacities? Now are you getting as excited as I am?

We tend to limit ourselves. Allow ourselves to think less than we really are of ourselves.. why do we do it? What is the point? Why do we extinguish our potential before it's even create it? We are the writers of our histories, we are the creators of our stories. We are the creators of our universe.

The follows along the lines of illusionment as well. As much as people wouldn't like to admit, we all live in almost a completely illusioned world. We are all aligned to our own prejudice, and because of that our worlds are not real. Considering the fact that our worlds are not technically real.. imagine how much more we could create...

I believe that humans were meant to be creators. After some experiments lately I'm even more inclined to believe in the power of the universe and the power of thought.. There have been amazingly awesome experiences, but also painful ones which I distinctly brought upon myself. I wish I could explain them, but I don't know how explainable they are.

You have NO idea how excited these ideas make me. It's like a giant playground for everyone to play on! So few recognize the potential.. so few recognize. There were stories at a meeting I went to, where a man did experiments strictly to show his friends the mindset of abundance. Guess who ruins these ideas? We do. People can blame circumstance, they can blame whatever.. but ultimately, it's ourselves. There are some situations which are tougher than others, which is unfortunate, but we still have effect of what happens in our daily lives. We still have the power to create.

I just had to state excitement.. I really did. The idea that abundance CAN happen, makes me squirm in happiness.

Pffewie. I messed up.

Here's first lesson in what I've been learning lately:

Trust my intuition, and be true to my soul.

REGARDLESS of what other people think or say.

Why? At the end of the day, I still have to be with me. That's why. Besides, if I'm not listening to my soul, then I'm obviously not progressing. In order to progress, I must listen to what my soul needs at the time. Disregard that and then MAN we have problems.

You guessed it. Hit the deck! We have problems. It all started last night. I'm reminded once again of why saying something in order to please others is not a good idea. I went to church today.. and gahhhh!!!!!!! There are so many thoughts which ran through my head. First thought was:

Things are not done our time frame. There could be numerous reasons for this... or that I believe anyway.

a) We're not manifesting strong enough to the universe.

b) We (totally an "I" statement as well) need to relax and realize that most things take TIME, ENERGY, and WORK. There is not really such a thing as something for nothing.

It's frustrating to me because there are so many things which I want now, which are happening to other people.. and I'm not getting. Patience is clearly NOT one of my strong points. I really do believe that I will gain it with time. See? Even someone not religious can get something out of church... although I wouldn't say it was worth it.

And.. of course there's my battle with religion. It's clarified yet again that I don't believe in this particular religion. My soul really didn't want me to go.. so guess what? I'm not going to go. I found balance without religion... and that's where it will stay. Not because I'm stubborn, but because it feels right.

The other battle I'm having is in thinking about WHO IN THE WORLD I'VE BECOME! Who is this girl? I simply do not know her anymore. I want to be something so much more. I want to have real respect for myself. Within the past while I've done some dangerous things to myself.. and wow... I need to stop. Hanging too close to the edge and I'm falling.

So, it's simply time to bring life back up again.

School, you're welcome to come. One. Freaking. Week.

2010 Review

Last night at midnight, a lot of thoughts came rushing in my head.

2010 was a BIG year for me. In many ways good, in other ways it was very trying, which turned out to be great learning experiences. Some things happened which I NEVER thought would happen.

I was at a Mormon church dance, and I was thinking about the fact that at that time last year, I was a devout Mormon. Leaving the church wasn't much of a thought. This was the start of a roll of events.

I lived with my family for a while, and then didn't.

I had two producer's ask me to do a CD.

I had my first 'real' boyfriend.

I also got over my first real break-up.

I've never felt quite as stable emotionally as I do now. I lost a lot of weight, but didn't read any books. The summer was the hardest of my life, and I survived it! Finally I know what I'm going to be doing with my life, and I know more or less where I'm going.

Out 2010, in 2011. What's in store for me now?