My Exit Story

(NOTE TO THE READER: If you read this, it is by your own choice. It is my exit story as to why I left the church and so it is therefore considered 'anti-mormon literature. Now you have your warning.)

I fight for truth, I fight for love, and I fight for happiness. This is probably the simplest way to sum up my entire journey.

Religion is something which my life has been funded upon. I believed with everything that I was that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the true church. How could I not? The principles are very beautiful. The church is a very well organized, well thought out organization. The ideas of being with your family for eternity, of having the possibility of Godhood. Reading the Book of Mormon gave me a high-type feeling. I believed that what I was reading as a true book. I preached about it all the time, every opportunity I could, but never in a way that was pressing. That is something that hasn’t and I’m hoping will never chang. I want to continue to be open, and not pushing to others. I left the church before, but I didn’t rewrite my core. I went off balance by trying everything that I had been suppressing for so long. Basically, I was a child in the process. By continuing to let others run my life for me, I came back to the church. Very strongly. For example, before that I swore a lot. The day I decided to come back to church I stopped swearing altogether, and I stopped for a year. I also took out my nose piercing which I hugely regretted for quite some time. People thought that I was miserable when I had left. I was, but that’s because I was lost and didn’t quite know what to do. Going back to the church seemed like the best idea. I had convinced myself that it was true. In reality, I think I just wanted the comfort of what I had always known. The only thing I had ever known. So what if there was hypocrisy, at least there was peace and solace somewhere. Or what I thought was peace and solace. Katimavik, I was always fighting for my religion. I talked about it all the time. I found it so awesome that I had all this knowledge so that I could help my group, help other people to find a way to real happiness and peace.

I knew all the answers. Whenever somebody had a question stating why the church wasn’t true, I would always have a retort. After a while everything started to feel fake. Yes, I had studied it through and through, but then how come all the answers were feeling so fake? I felt like a robot just repeating the same things over and over again.

The serious questions started to form when I found out the reasons why a group I'm closely associated with fell apart. This was when serious questioning happened. My mentor told me about a fight between the mom’s. One asked, “Why is it that the activities are always centered around Mormons?” The other side took it as attacking their beliefs. The reason why I started to question was because, if this was happiness, then why are we being so cruel to each other? If this is the true religion, then how come we’re living in ignorance? How come everyone is afraid to research other things, or are discouraged against it? What does the church have to hide? Why is it that the people pretend that they care when they don't, when all they want is to activate people?

I then began thinking about the kind of God that I wanted to believe in. Was it one who is jealous? An all-knowing God? In eternity we’re supposed to become God’s, but there is supposedly only one God. Or at least, we’re not supposed to worship any other God. There are also ‘unforgivable sins’. I really don’t like unforgivable sins, or the feelings of fear, guilt and shame that the church consistently brings. What if Satan decided to turn his life around so that it was in line with God’s? Unforgivable since take out the agency for Satan to lead a ‘good life’. God predestined Satan for his role, as he did for each of us, is it then that we're automatically damned? Why should we have to submit to one being for the rest of eternity? Basically we’re getting through this life so that we can be a slaves to a very selfish God. If that’s the case, then I’d definitely rather not. I want real peace, real happiness. I don’t want a happiness that’s only created in my mind.

When I was in the church, I always had the constant feeling of fear, guilt and shame. I would look at people who didn’t have the gospel and felt sorry for them. Even without verbalizing it, I would feel sorry for the piece that they had missing. Without even knowing them I would guess that they had a piece missing, but how can you have a piece missing if that was never apart of you to begin with? Maybe people don’t need the church to be happier, in fact, maybe there’s more potential without it. Without the church I see a world which will cause people to be more caring, more compassionate, and truly so. To feel as though the people are people, instead of things to be converted. Some people I do believe have it in their best interest to actually help people, and are truly genuine, but those people are few and far between.

The basis of my disturbances with the church began from the founder itself. Originally when I left the church there were three reasons why I wanted to stay. One, because of all my wonderful friends in the church, Two because of the idea of not having a happy eternity. God will only bring those who believe in him, right? Three, because of Joseph Smith. How could a man who had gone through as much as him possibly have been lying? Why would someone be tarred and feathered, etc? Then I started to really research him, and I became shocked by what I found.

The Book of Mormon has no solid foundation. A lot of it is retranslation of the bible, and the bible is written way after it’s time anyway. There was a meeting with the bible where people decided what they did and didn’t want in the bible, whatever wasn’t wanted was taken out of the bible. The rest of the Book of Mormon is a bunch of fun fiction to read. There is no historical evidence found with any of the cities, any of the people, any anything. It’s just a beautiful fiction novel with lots of repetitive principles. It actually does contradict itself contrary to popular belief. The Book of Mormon has also been retranslated. If it was the true book, wouldn’t it have been fine? At first it was for grammatical errors and now it’s for actual meanings behind it. True book and yet it’s being retranslated. The exactly same principles are being taught over and over again. People are discouraged from looking at anything that might contradict the teachings in the church. It’s seen as a bad thing if people look at other stuff. If it was so true than why fear? People will blame it on opposition in all things, but opposition happens in all things whether you’re Mormon or not. One of the things that Mormon’s do do is that when someone is rude them they’ll take it as them being rewarded eventually because they were persecuted in their beliefs. Being apart of the church is a huge ego boost. Doesn’t anybody ever think that people are just people? Maybe you made a mistake and that’s why you’re being persecuted? Just because you’re religious it doesn’t exclude you from life!

The Mormon religion really isn’t that new in concept. Every religion has some sort of belief in an after life. People think it’s unique, but it’s not. It’s just there.

The Mormon religion is very sexist. The women are supposed to do nothing but bring children into the world. Men have the power, they have the head. They say that men and women are equals, but that is evidently not the case.

Then people talk about their ‘spiritual experiences.’ The experiences that you get from the church can be kind of euphoric, literally almost like a drug high. The feelings are solidly based on emotion. Whenever you have a question about the church, people tell you to fast, pray about it, read your scriptures. The problem with this is that if you go in believing that it’s going to be true, then it’s obviously going to be true. You can pray to a fan and ask if you should worship a chair, and you could get very well the same feeling as you get about reading your Book of Mormon. I’m not denying the spirit, I do believe it exists, but the power of the human mind is incredible. We can convince ourselves to believe that just about anything is true. Now having said that, I have had more feelings from the spirit since leaving the church than being in it. I no longer have the weight of fear, guilt, and shame to tie me back. Never before have I felt so good, so at peace. My life is a beautiful piece of work now, whereas before it was just a bunch of confusion. I never felt like I was good enough. The atonement felt like a burden because I could never be good enough for God, not with what he was asking. I always found myself doing more of what my Patriarchal Blessing asked of me when I steered away from God then why I came back to him. I also have read a couple other friends who had pretty well the exact same Patriarchal Blessings as me, they are not catered to specific people, they are just bunches of jumble given to a person. People want to feel love. They want comfort. This is where religion is perfect - it is a safe haven.Having said this, my new life, here is what I’ve discovered. I’m getting my records removed. I want to take no part in the lie that I have believed my whole life.

It is very hard to steer away from everything I’ve known. The draw to go back comes from wanting to be in a place that is familiar. Is there a chance that the church is true? I don't believe so. The fact that people’s opinions are changing of me, too, is scary. People want to be liked, loved even, and to feel insecure about something like that is hard. But what would I rather have, truth or to be lying? Lying is far more harmful. Rewriting my core has been an interesting journey. I’ve had to rewrite my core so that I don’t go wild again. There is also a fear of what is ACTUALLY going to happen. Is there life after death? I guess all I can do is live a full life just in case if there isn’t.

Since exiting the Mormon church I have discovered a life. A life free or suppression, but also one solidly based in reality. There have been friendships lost, respect lost, but also new things to be found and discovered. I do not regret my decision, for I will always seek truth first.