Last day of appreciation project!

1. Saw this guy on a car intena. I think he and I should be friends. What about you?

2. We viewed two REALLY amazing apartments, that'll both allow our cats. You can bet that when we get our place, and are able to see our cats, we'll be jumping for joy.

3. Ryan got two on the spot interviews, and most likely a job!

4. I had the most fun job interview ever! Playing the "knot" game, hand dancing games, memory games. This is my job, I swear it!

5. The support that is around me is amazing. Best friends and family ever.

Positivity gets you somewhere. See? Yay! This was a great experience for me, and I hope you enjoyed my journey as well.

Until next time!

K.

Being grateful project day 6

1. I had a date with my lover last night. We went to see brave and it was SO lovely! We saw a rainbow, and came home to a beautiful moon.

2. I learned some tips on how to pay my loan back faster.

3. That I got to talk to my friend practically all day yesterday! 

4. The discovery that my feet are smaller! Hurray! Means more options for nicer shoes.

5. I met a guy from the same hometown as me at school, nice to have familiarity! 

Grateful day 5 - All about my love.

Right from the beginning, he's been the best thing that's ever happened to me.

1. I'm grateful that he has been so patient and kind. He's proven not only that there are good guys out there, but that it would be possible for me to love someone fully and not get my heart broken.

 2. I'm grateful that he's so encouraging. He support me in everything I do.

3. I'm grateful for the joy and laughter that he brings into my life.  

I'm grateful that I've been able to learn so many things, like trust with him. 

5. All around, I'm just grateful that he still chooses to spend the rest of his life with me, and that I get this loving man.

Being Grateful Project Day 4

1. My best friend called me this morning. It was the greatest!

2. I'm grateful for a very nice person who gave me some blueberries this morning. HEAVEN!

3. Some might be surprised by this, but I'm very grateful for my Mormon upbringing today. Without it, I probably wouldn't have the same morals that I have now. I'd be a very different person. So although I don't believe in it, I'm grateful for my raising in it.

4. My youtube account can gain money now! I have some awesome videos on the way.

5. I'm grateful that I'll be able to go back to being vegan soon. So grateful for the knowledge I have about veganism, health and healing! 

Being grateful project day 3

Yesterday was just a grateful kind of day.

1. A sparrow came to see us! The door was open a little bit and it hopped in. Unfortunately, it felt like it was trapped.. so had quite an interlude with the window, but then we set it loose again! It was nice to have that little reminder of nature.

2. At school we're having a clothing exchange and now I have actual NICE clothes! Now all I need are more pants and a pair of flats! 

3. I got to hear an inspiring story from my new friend. She had pretty well nothing, and then through creating a shrine to money (haha), realizing what she really did have, and dancing through her life she has gained abundance. I'm grateful for the inspiration!

4. I got a computer.. for free! It's an old-ish computer, but I've been wanting to get a computer for writing. This is what I got! A computer for writing! It might not be able to do much else, but that is what it functions for. They were originally going to charge money but then didn't.. oh happy day! 

5. Look at how amazing this is? HOW CAN I NOT BE GRATEFUL? 

Being grateful project day two.

1. That some wonderful homeless person returned my phone (as can be seen in the image). There is beautiful people in this world still. I am so grateful for this particular thing!

2. The guy who is watching over Ryan and I's cats. We both were just about crying to be able to see our cats, who are soon to be reunited with us! Keeping those cats has shown that ANYTHING can happen. Being able to see them, even for a few seconds, was amazing... technology is amazing.

3. To have a pair of sandals that I can wear to school (business school), instead of just wearing my runners. I feel much more like I'm dressing the role of my not-too-far-off profession!

4. I made a friend in school yesterday. I've been feeling rather lonely as of late, and it's nice to have finally made a new friend in our new home.

5. Reading the last link that I posted. There IS hope for amazing humans. What's more beautiful is that all of us have the potential to do that for each other.

Today I'm just very grateful!

Is the 'why' productive?

Quite possibly.. I'm one of the most curious people out there. One of my ex's, while I was dumping him said that he was happy I was dumping him because I reminded him way too much of a scientist. (As you can imagine, I was deeply insulted. *sarcasm* *rolls eyes*) The reason he said that, is because I always ask questions. I always do. I just like knowing the answers to things. Probably because I have a socially awkward personality where I don't know when to sensor what I should and should not be saying, most of what comes out of my mouth is questions.

Not surprising, today I started asking a lot of why questions. It sent me on a downward spiral. "Why didn't I do this?" "Why isn't this happening?" etc. As you can see, it was sending me on a downward spiral.

Then I started questioning (ha) the productivity of the question "why." I think it honestly depends on if you're looking at it as a motivation to move forward, or if you're using it as something to stay in the past (much like everything).

For example, I'm sure inventors ask lots of why questions. The questions that got somewhere. We wouldn't be as technologically advanced as we are today if they hadn't asked 'why'?

Sometimes I have to wonder if they ever asked negative "why's". I'm sure that if they did, it was replaced with positive. "Why did this surge not work?" would be a way more productive question than "Why am I doing this?" Although that could theoretically be a positive thing too...

I think this is a break-through for me. Discovering my thought processes in something so simple as the 'why' questions that I'm asking could very well lead me to be a very different type of person... the type of person who moves ahead instead of reverting backwards. I realize now that I get so caught up in questions, that I forget to live. "Why are we here? What is my purpose?" (Yes, I'm moving on to other questions... because they can all be productive or unproductive.) I think it's more important to enjoy my time here, and create my purpose.

As a matter of fact, I did that today while talking to a lady at my school.

That, however is a story for another day.

Being grateful project Day 1.

Things have been insane lately, of course. It seems like there is loop-hole after loop-hole and I'm tired of feeling this down... so here's what I'm going to do: Every day for the next while I'm going to say five things I'm grateful for. If anybody else wants to respond with five things they're grateful for feel free. This will be something I do for this week. Next week I'll come up with some other project.

1. Free library cards in BC. Odd thing to be grateful for? Perhaps. It's funny, because I use the library more now that it's free than when I had to pay for them.

2. usedeverywhere.com This makes buying things that you need (or say that you need) so much more pleasurable (and cheap) to buy. I bought my keyboard, grabbed lots of free furniture, etc. It's wonderful!

3. Awesome and motivational instructors. It's nice to have someone who truly cares about where I'm going in life.

4. Being in a house right beside the ocean. This situation is temporary, but oh it's a beautiful temporary! Every day I want to go outside and take pictures due to the fact that it's just that beautiful. The skies are ALWAYS different. Nature is so variant. I guess it's kind of like life.. always changing.

5. Having two fathers on fathers day. For many years I hadn't kept in contact with my dad. I found him and added him to facebook so we've been able to chat a bit. I wished him a Happy Father's day. Then, we spent Father's day with my wonderful partners father as well. It was nice. Of course, I wished my mom a happy father's day as well as I always have.

There we go! First day complete. I'm feeling better already.

Maybe it's okay to be.. me.

I've always had to have things just right.

I had to have everybody be happy with me.

I had to have a certain way of living which involved me on more than one occasion being able to buy a new book.

I had to have my perfect, orderly way of life.

I wanted to be thin by the time I was 18 or I was going to have surgery done to make it so that I would be that way. (I'm 22 and am still not where I want to be weight wise.)

I wanted to be married with a kid by now. (Thank goodness that has happened! I love kids, but I'm enjoying the freedom.)

I wanted to be a stay at home wife.

Anyway, you get the picture. I just wanted everything to be just so. If it wasn't just so, I would retreat into my box and hide away.

These facts are even evident in my pictures on facebook. I think almost every single photo has been photoshopped because I haven't been happy with my over all appearance. Honestly, it kind of makes me sad. I don't wear make-up for the fact that I want to be up front with people, and yet I hide away all the time.

It's funny, doing this little confessional. Of course nobody's perfect, of course everybody has flaws.. but sometimes all you can see is your own.

Today something little changed that for me. I was thinking about how I'm not thin yet, how we don't have money, being nervous about the future and then I thought "Maybe it's okay to just be.. me." So what if I'm not where I want to be right now? I still want to be able to love this girl regardless. You see that girl in the picture? I'm now learning how to love her, flaws and all.

The difference between my parents and I

Rotten teenagers, that's what we are... right? Do you copy? Do you read me? After all, parents have the experience... they know the world... because the world obviously slips into specific patterns that can be memorized.

Um. Since when?

Lately I've been thinking about just how much our world has changed/is changing. In the past hundred years, technology has kind of taken over. It's changed the entire way we live our lives. In fact, me sitting in front of this computer is probably one of the biggest indicators of that. I'm currently typing on a machine which has so much thought, and compact objects shoved into it all to create a smart robot-type device to help me with my day to day activities. I could say that it also aids in the ruination of plenty of good relationships, annoyance at not actually placing real resumes to real people (online applications... ugh.), and yet makes life oh so much easier! Having traveled as much as I have, if I hadn't had this device, I would not have a single friend (except perhaps for my lovely R.)

This device which I have under my fingers just shows how much things can change. Life can change in the blink of an eye, especially once things start rolling. We didn't used to type on laptops! I remember the slow computers in elementary school. I remember the little animated paperclip who would appear at the side of my screen saying that he wanted to help me figure out how to use word. I remember when paint was the most exciting thing... and then some. I'm sad to say that I haven't seen the clip guy in the corner, which makes my computer experience that much less enjoyable. After all, it was the clip guy who took the serious away from these unatural things (Yay radiation!) All at the sametime, when I get a computer of my own, my music and writing careers shall be much easier to do.

Computers are evidence that this is just a time of quick change - so let's accept it! There are factors which are kind of terrible which go with that, but even that's changing. Hello change, welcome to the world. Could you please catch my parents up to speed?

In my new found love of trying to find love and joy in life - this is probably not the best post to do. Trying to find love and light is not something I was taught. It's something that I'm learning through seemingly unatural and very difficult means. Through many realizations it has become harder to be natural happy. All the things I wasn't taught.

1) We're not free. What? You thought differently? We're items. We have a net value. We can be bought, all for fear of not having the every day comforts we have. I do believe that we have ways that we can get back our freedom, but that's a post for another day.

2) It's okay to be you. We're always taught that, but no one really means it. I know that in my family we were told to always care about what other people were thinking/saying before we did anything in our life. Other people's opinions are what matters. You know what the problem with that lifestyle is? Nobody likes you. You can't live for everyone. It also shows that you're trying to please. So please, for the love just be YOU! People are attracted to confidence, not cookie cutters.

3) School is not educational. Real education comes from experience, classics and mentors.

4) It is a freaking technology boom. No more in person resumes, people only want to hear from you online. Yeesh.

5) There's a shift happening. Enlightenment, awareness, and it's something more than religion. Yet again, another post by itself. It's happening with us, the rotten teenagers are the ones who are changing! New thoughts and ideas are booming more than ever before! Amazing things are in the works.

Perhaps it's unfair to ask that everybody be caught up to speed. It's easy to live in the past. There are just SO many lessons we could be learning from this day in age. Things are shifting beautifully.. I can feel it! That is the biggest difference between my parents and I.. I can feel it. I can feel the change, and accept it.

End post.

PS (Would anybody be opposed to giving me suggestions on what to write about? I would love to incorporate suggestions.. research, and start discussing. I'm also thinking of starting to post once a week. Stay tuned.)

Relearning law of Attraction

Things have been hard. Big surprise right? Life often is when you're the type of person who knows nothing else. I've been trying to be happy, healthy, and strong...and to be truly honest, it wasn't panning out too well. I'm going to be very honest. I've been giving in to absolute jealousy. I've been watching friends, celebrities, etc and been jealous because of success. Jealous because I don't have what they do.

So in one of my raids of jealousy, I stumbled across the twitter of the actress who plays Willow in Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Alyson Hannigan.)...partially because of jealousy, and partially because her acting is so entertaining that I figured her tweets would be too.. And i definitely could use a pick-me-up. Anyway, in scrolling through her tweets there was one that said something like "For those of you who want my job... TOO BAD! I've had to work hard to not have to work very hard."

THEN IT HIT ME.

I've been looking at the law of attraction completely 100% wrong. I've got caught on the trap that you can get something for nothing. Most are successful because they just live their lives...exploring, learning, but they have to WORK hard. The universe will not hand your destiny on a platter. We're not predestined! We have to work and explore to find our ultimate happiness. How can the universe present us with plenty when we sit on a couch all day? Nothing changes, we're not learning about ourselves and our world.

There is no reason why we can't be successful, except for the limitations we place on ourselves. I now realize that getting something for nothing is a degrading philosophy. I can now see the world through new lenses. I want to explore, and work to find the destiny I've been seeking. If you seek... you'll eventually find. If you sit, you'll stay put. So get on your feet without fear.. tomorrow's a new day. :)

I also now realize that jealousy is a detriment. After all, if I'm jealous of other people putting in the effort to truly find what makes them happy... when I haven't been trying to do the same, then who am I to say anything? This world is beautiful and there's plenty of dreams to be filled for everyone. We're all just people with dreams and the universe wants to provide...to guide.

I'll be completely honest...I don't know what I'm going to do with this new found epiphany. I hope I start to explore more, but one thing's sure...I now have the first key to getting what I want, and making my dreams come true.

The illusion of empty.

Life is full of loss. There's death, loss of friends, jobs... you name it, it's happened. Often when one of these things happen, we feel empty. I, like many, have gotten caught in this.

You know the feeling. Feeling empty, like you can't be happy without that thing/person, going through what could've been done better, regret sinks in.. you beat yourself up... and so many other things. There are moments of happiness, and then the emptiness sinks in. This feeling continues until you find another tragedy to fill the void.

I realize this isn't the case for all, but it's an easy cycle to get caught up in. You know what the ironic part is? Often we forget to do the things which would fill the emptiness. For me it's singing, spending time with my partner, writing, exercising.. getting in touch with who I am again. It's easy to get caught in a cycle of sadness when you're ignoring the things that make your life valuable, which give it substance.

So what is empty? Empty is an illusion. As long as we're alive, as long as we have a soul, we can be full. We just have to choose to fill it! If you leave a gas tank for long enough, it'll empty.. but you can refill it! Even if you have to push the car up a hill to get it to some gas, you can refill it. Much is the same with our emotions. When something is lost, we refill it. We are all but a part of energy - source. Energy is never empty. When something dies, there is always something to replace it even before it dies. We can create ourselves this way too!

Here's what's been happening to me: I've taken loss, and turned it into a gift. It's now something I can channel into something to make my life more beautiful. There is no reason to regret, for without these experiences I couldn't learn.. and without learning.. that is when life would be empty. Truly, hauntingly empty.

How can we define what's natural?

What is natural? How do we define it and is it really natural? Do you define natural by what you're told in your religious beliefs, what we read from books and with so much technology how do we know what really is natural?

How linked are we? Our ancestors knew how to cultivate land, and if you go back far enough they knew how to completely sustain themselves. Now, we go to a store where our food is packaged in plastic because we're worried about contamination. The irony of that is the likelihood of that food being tampered with, wither it's been genetically motified or grown with pesticides we don't really know.

In an age where we have so much information, we seem to be just as oblivious as others. Food is just one of the many examples of one thing that we don't know about, nor do we care to know about. A really eye-opening film was the documentary Earthlings. Whether you eat meat or not, I believe it's important to realize that the meat you eat, the products that you have do not come from a store. It's easy to get desensitized to that. Then people will say that it's natural to eat meat. I promise it's not natural though. Why do you think that animals who hunt don't plastic wrap their food when they're done?

This phenomena of our detachment to the earth (yes, this is the stance I take... that we are detached from mother earth) is spreading. Widely. In many ways it's beautiful. For us to be able to work together is, in many ways, getting easier. Each person has their role and because of that we have the opportunity to go farther than ever possible. We can create so many things because we have people who are willing to do the work which we need to do to survive, so as long as we're willing to pay them for it. We have people who can farm our food, deliver it to stores, and generally have it be a reasonable price. It's a one stop location instead of hours of work per day. We have laundry machines which cut down our time doing laundry. We can send shirts to pressers to press them instead of having to do it ourselves.. in many ways, we're spoiled. It makes for an easier life.

My sadness draws from the fact that because we can have practically anything we want, whenever we want so as long as we pay the price (and sometimes not even) we become so busy that we detach not only from earth, but from each other. It's much easier to send a text to a person than see them face to face, and in fact it's done that way more and more often. It's becoming a very 'me' society. Did you know that in some societies there wasn't even the word "I"? It was always 'we'.

Who are we to define what is natural? Truly? We buy food wrapped in plastic, and even wrap ourselves in plastic clothing. The rest of this blog might be more touchy... but the thing I find the the most sad, is that we've disconnected ourselves from touch...

Let me explain myself. There is absolutely NO lack of promiscuous, meaningless sex. It's a natural functon, a natural drive. There is a lack of being in touch with each other. We get individual seats on bus's so that we don't have to interact with people. As I've said, we'd rather text people than get to know the people around us. Perhaps that's why it's easy to talk to people like they're objects, but that's a topic for another day. There IS a fear of allowing ourselves to be TOUCHED! By that, I mean a fear of truly opening up. To seeing sexuality as beauty. As it is a natural drive, how could it not be? Even in today's open society (in most instances). I know lots who are afraid to truly let it touch them. For when someone allows themselves to open up that way, it leaves room to be hurt. All of a sudden it lets people see the real you... and THAT'S scary. Anyone can be promisuous, it takes a strong soul to be able to deeply entwine with someone...

Touch is natural. It's one of the few natural parts of life left. It shouldn't matter if it's male, female, gay, lesbian who express their love for each other in a sexual manner. Life is all about love.. and that, my friends, is natural.

The beauty of the naked soul.

It's an apparent scandal. It's not to spoken off. It's not accepted. We will conceal it, hide it at all costs, and we're afraid of it.

Our bare skin, our soul.

Admit it, you flinch. I started writing a song which has this very idea behind it. You'll probably flinch yet again. Or, if you're anything like what I used to be....

What would happen if, we were all broken down
Down to the bare, bare bones we were born with?
Down to the bare, unseen skin that we all make ourselves fit?
That we’re embarrassed to show
For the fear of being discovered
Underneath the covered

Gets you thinking, doesn't it? I suppose this calls for some history, for those few of you who may not have met me before.


I use to be conservative. I use to be afraid. I use to cover up, make excuses, and it was normal. It was just the way of life. A lot of it was a mindset that I got from my particular religious background that I had. There was a heavy emphasis on being modest. It was to the extent, that wearing a tanktop was frowned upon. In fact, I remember seeing women in the street wearing tanktops and thinking of them as sluts.


I use to think women who showed skin were selling themselves, that they were degrating themselves. Some, maybe, but I no longer believe that this is the case.


More background: I was suppressed. Everybody could see that there was something wrong, but wouldn't saying anything because why would I tell them? I was overly obese (which is easy to make excuses for when you know no other ways of life), I was smart but not doing well in school, my friendships failed on so many levels...

I was going crazy, quite literally. My skin was the most uncomfortable place to be in and I wanted to be anyone but me. If only I had grown up in a different living situation, if only I had more money, if only I could be a better church goer.. if only, if only, if only.


This is where my perfectionist tendency came from. I'm being completely honest. There was no being good enough!


At the same time, any emotion was completely suppressed. Not only in me, but in many other people. It's normal, and I think it's cruel. Art was suppressed, beauty was suppressed, anger was suppressed, sadness was suppressed, happiness was suppressed, sexuality was suppressed, and all of these things weren't really spoken of..


Except for an idea of happiness. A happiness which wasn't realistic, nor attainable because itw as with the idea that things would be perfect. Not now, but someday they would be. So I would have to keep on kicking myself and kicking myself to become a better person or I wouldn't have a perfect... well... some point. Afterlife, call it what you will. Or maybe I'd get a divorce or some other horrible thing...


What a nightmare! What a horrific way to view life. Perfectionist tendencies are dangerous, but so widely accepted. Stick on a happy face, shut up and do as we say. Any questions? Didn't think so. I don't care who you are.. just do as I say. Become perfect for me. Live your life for other people, be perfect in their eyes and only then can you be perfect to you.. only then can you be allowed to be comfortable with you.

It is a skill to be able to cover up. What a diverse saying! Interesting how there's a cover-up make-up for women? Back when I use to wear make-up, I felt incomplete without make-up. The reason being that I put on masks anyone, and having the physical mask made it easier for me to not be truly honest with people.

That's what it's all about, isn't it? Not being able to be honest with oneself. Not being able to accept one's skin, it's all the same.

So is it really fair to say that women who show their skin, are sluts?

Really think about it. Being able to bear one's skin is scary. Almost in the same way as having someone staring into your eyes, they're both scary. There is no hiding the parts your uncovering. Every pimple, freckle, bruise is exposed through showing your skin. It's a make-up of who you are, without being made up. it's being brutally honest. It's using body language, and I'd never thought of it that way.

It was after realizing this that I was truly able to come to terms with what I had done to myself. All you can do is ask for forgiveness from yourself, for being so brutal, and then be happy. Learning to love the skin you're in is a hard process, and people will fight against it. There is a longing and need for control, and often once you've found your skin, you'll find that it's yours.. and sometimes that is yours alone. When you show your skin, perform a song, confront someone who's mistreating you, etc, you are exposing who you are. There are no sheets to hide under.  There are no excuses. There's just you and the beauty of that moment.

I feel like it's a sad thing... Women fought for their right to be equal with men, and yet we're still looked upon horrible for showing skin. How does that make any sense?

Showing skin, and being able to see the beauty of the naked soul is an experience which can never be forgotten. If every person would be able to glimpse at the real beauty of their naked soul, this world would be a very different place. There would be far more laughter, far more art, far more creativity, far more education, far more friendliness.. and far more acceptance. Far more beauty.

Being honest with your mind, body and spirit is key to finding out who you really are. The beauty of the naked spirit can come in many forms. Mine came in images of crystals, bright colours.. and a friend who is a twin soul, and a huge part of my life. I find that since discovering this place, the real intensity I've been able to incorporate the beauty of that true soul into every day life. It's a hard process, but it's worth it.

Honesty is a virtue, one meant to be lived, but very hard to follow through with....

I still get afraid. Afraid to expose my literal (and figurative skin.) However, I recognize that the naked soul is beautiful. It is the closest thing we have to mother earth, and the connection which we should share with her. Being naked is the way we came into the world, and it's our most natural way of being. It's beautiful.

((As a note: I don't believe that it's a good idea to literally go around naked. There are laws against such... I think I've otherwise made my point clear.)

I miss my love.

Ryan? Oh he's fine, he's just looking for work and a way for us to keep a roof over our head. There is rain pittering outside, and it's beautiful. Oh blog, how I've missed you. I started a youtube channel and thought that would suffice, however, it has not. Writing helps me to untangle my soul and more accurately be able to assess a situation.. and bring huge peace. You know what this means? You're probably going to see more writing from me.

Looking back on this blog, I've realized that this past year I really haven't gotten that far ahead. I've made excuses, changed my mind a million times, haven't opened my heart as much as I should, and stayed in my comfortable place. Every time I look on a blog post it seems to either be the end of my world (or so I see it) or I'm happy as can be. Currently, I am solemn. This is going to be a more personal post that normal. I just need to get it out there.

For a long time, I have been so depressed, yes, even on the verge of suicidal. Things are tough right now. I don't know if we're going to have a home in a month, I don't know what we're going to do for food after this week... however, I realize that I still want to live. This may not seem like a big deal for some, but for me it's everything. I want to live. I want to thrive. I don't want to give up. I don't want this to be the end!

Whenever things went wrong, I would always have a back-up. Running away was a classic. Wither it was to a new province, or back to my mom's place. now, I don't have that option. I also realize I don't want it. I want everything that's been happening to us, to continue happening, except in a way that we deserve. It's been a revolutionary change that we've seen happen. 

I've finally figured out my life's mission. I've been given a lot of talents, and I want to use them. I'm going to Quest in the fall with Ryan. I'm recording a CD this month. I'm keeping this place that we currently have. I'm becoming healthy and having loving people around me.

I don't know how, but I'm going to change the world. There are so many things which aren't fair, aren't right.. and I have so much potential.

I don't believe in New Years Resolutions, I think they're silly. However, I am choosing NOW to be the person who I want to be. My mindsets will change, because they have changed and I wil become precisely who I want to be. This isn't a new years goal, this is the beginning of something amazing. It's been in the works for a long time, and now it's time to make it come to life!