Ryan? Oh he's fine, he's just looking for work and a way for us to keep a roof over our head. There is rain pittering outside, and it's beautiful. Oh blog, how I've missed you. I started a youtube channel and thought that would suffice, however, it has not. Writing helps me to untangle my soul and more accurately be able to assess a situation.. and bring huge peace. You know what this means? You're probably going to see more writing from me.
Looking back on this blog, I've realized that this past year I really haven't gotten that far ahead. I've made excuses, changed my mind a million times, haven't opened my heart as much as I should, and stayed in my comfortable place. Every time I look on a blog post it seems to either be the end of my world (or so I see it) or I'm happy as can be. Currently, I am solemn. This is going to be a more personal post that normal. I just need to get it out there.
For a long time, I have been so depressed, yes, even on the verge of suicidal. Things are tough right now. I don't know if we're going to have a home in a month, I don't know what we're going to do for food after this week... however, I realize that I still want to live. This may not seem like a big deal for some, but for me it's everything. I want to live. I want to thrive. I don't want to give up. I don't want this to be the end!
Whenever things went wrong, I would always have a back-up. Running away was a classic. Wither it was to a new province, or back to my mom's place. now, I don't have that option. I also realize I don't want it. I want everything that's been happening to us, to continue happening, except in a way that we deserve. It's been a revolutionary change that we've seen happen.
I've finally figured out my life's mission. I've been given a lot of talents, and I want to use them. I'm going to Quest in the fall with Ryan. I'm recording a CD this month. I'm keeping this place that we currently have. I'm becoming healthy and having loving people around me.
I don't know how, but I'm going to change the world. There are so many things which aren't fair, aren't right.. and I have so much potential.
I don't believe in New Years Resolutions, I think they're silly. However, I am choosing NOW to be the person who I want to be. My mindsets will change, because they have changed and I wil become precisely who I want to be. This isn't a new years goal, this is the beginning of something amazing. It's been in the works for a long time, and now it's time to make it come to life!
