I guess there is a time
where you think you know everything
You know loneliness
You know pain.
And happiness feels so far away.
This is what happened to me
I was so naive.
I was taught once, that I knew love
Questioning why I couldn't get a hug
Was this the one I loved?
Or were you remembering Father's touch?
I promise you had no reason to fear loving me.
I couldn't understand why my love was treated like a disease.
I thought that I knew pain
Remembering my Father's hits
Of words unspeakable
Could I crumble before I had a chance to rise?
Was this to be the fate of my life?
But still, I never knew never knew.
No I never knew anything at all.
I thought I knew loneliness
When I wrote about my footprints
Of the different path I'd chosen to take
I prayed to God every day
Wondering why my answers never came
and why I felt so horrible every day...
For I was praying to a God of truth
My life was anything but smooth...
The inner conflict ruled.
The contraversy and contradiction
Would eventually errupt my system
but I still had friends...
who could explain away my suspicions
What happens when you can't explain away
what doesn't make sense so frequently
Will you blind your eyes so you can pretend to see?
I couldn't do it anymore, so seeking truth I looked forward
fearing the views of my peers, it was a time of naught but tears
I gasped and cried, every painful night
For loneliness was beginning to errupt..
and to this day, I wouldn't wish it on a soul
To feel this betrayed.
For if this was the way
That God's people behaved
I wouldn't learn love or mercy anyway.
Just to judge
And try to shush
Not even try to understand
One of the hardest decisions to be made by a woman...
For the more that I searched
The more that I knew
That I had to follow what was true
Even I'd it lead me away from home...
Oh so alone.
For I never knew, never knew
I never knew loneliness this way.
Never knew anything at all.
I wish I'd realized I hadn't known love
For when the first lad came along
A dream it appeared
Naivity clearly gained threw the years.
I feely gave my heart, as it was destroyed.
Treated little better than a toy
Oh, the things I learned.
I gave myself, no longer really there
Taking my heart to gently tear
To play a game, and take away my world
It was a clever game, but like all games they end
and I was never taught, really, how to mend
Cover it up, put a smile on
There were some who were right on
The facts of life... and getting it right
That didn't change the fact that I didn't sleep at night
Or that I would've fought for just one touch again..
Yes, I'd lost almost every friend.
I almost knew loneliness
I almost knew
I was lost, and so confused.
because I never knew, I never knew.
The idea of dreams was foreign
In a life where you do what you need to survive
Just get through the day, by and by
So I never knew freedom
Without the death, then the kingdom
A broken idea of heaven
and no appreciation for life
Until I listened to my heart, and what I believe to be true.
Which changed to gain a real life
and freedom of the heart, I could fly.
No one could see my wings, or would join me in my new found beauty
I thought I was alone, forever alone.
I remembered a man.
A man who had careful hands, who wouldn't hurt a soul.
I remembered this man, figured I'd give it a chance
Figured I'd had nothing more to lose.
In it, I found a place to heal.
When I never knew love, I found it here.
and a healing from all the years of pain, of pain.
For this man, is jolly in life's hands
and I'm proud to be in his life's dance.
You could say he saved me, you could say he set me free
You would also know he's the only one who ever believed in me.
No, I never knew, I never knew that I could love like this.
Never knew I could feel safe in a man's kiss,
or that my dreams mattered.
No, I only thought my life would continue it's pattern.
My world opened up
to a city of love
So I'll lay my thanks to the earth, to this beautiful universe
For a life that I'd never dreamt to be real.
Creations a plenty, I never thought I'd appreciate so many
but most of all my man's gentle heart.
It brings tears to my eyes, how he changed my life
for I never thought I'd know what it was like to have such a man by my side.
We're free to explore
This world's bliss some more
And learn of truth again
I'll lay my heart to the earth
A beautiful rebirth
Smiling, and stepping onward
Take his hand, leap a little
This earth is not fragile
Meant to hold and enlighten our souls
We'll keep dreaming
Side by side, believing
in a free world, hand in hand.
Never has there been a more blissful life's dance...
-Kotarah Soleil.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
New Project
Currently, I'm devoid of being able to write songs as effectively as I would like (which is a problem soon to be fixed.) In the meantime.. and possibly for the next while even after I'm able to write songs again, I shall be writing a journal. Not being connected to the world can be a beautiful thing.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Change of seasons, change of ideas.
Imagine a child, gleefully sitting around listening to their parent tell them stories. Stories which could be true or false, but it doesn't make a difference in the child's eyes. The parent may or may not realize that even with the simple stories, they are engraining a child with beliefs.
Enlisting children with beliefs can be a good thing. Teaching them general things such as love, appreciation & gratitude, and other such things are great to teach, and is generally best done through example. Some things are cool to be left explored. For instance, when I was a child there wasn't really any music played in my house. My mom never listened to music, so the only music I was exposed to was music at church. I developed my own sense of musical style because of the lack of exposure to music, and I'm grateful that I can call my style of music my own.
There are things which get engrained in us, though from the time that we're a child whether positive or negative. I know that I hid the fact that my first CD ever was Britney Spears due to the fact that everybody thought she was a horrible person because of the way she acted. Over the years, I've come to realize that Spears was not a particularly bad person. She was a victim of the media. I got to thinking about it this way: What sort of reaction would I have if I was exposed to the media from a very young age? I would have a lack of privacy, and every mistake would be seen. Not only that, but stories would be made up in order to sell. In some cases your fate is preconceived because of the label you are signed with and they want you to be able to sell records. What sells? Sex, drugs, scandas... etc. Most people don't undestand that when you sign on to a big label you don't get much of an option of what you actually do for music, unless if you're already a developed artist by then. Unfortunately, most of the people who are signed onto big labels when they're in their teens are usually not developed artists. All of a sudden they have a lot of fame, and a lot of money. They no longer know what to do with themselves, and I'm sure it would be very hard to keep a good balance of thoughts and emotions. I actually came to realize that Spears had a great deal of potential, but unfortunately was ruined by the media. She's not the first, and certainly not the last. Spears probably, in some ways, feels more human that we do.. simply because of the pain that she's had.
A misconception I know that I was taught (by a variety of people, not just my parents) was that people who drink (any kind of alcohol.. not just getting drunk, but all people who had alcohol in any amount) were unintelligent. Then I went on Katimavik, and met some of the most intelligent people I've ever met.
I also remember that in school, whenever we learned about a certain era of history, we were almost always made to think just one way about it. Whether Louis Riel was a martyr or a traitor, whether Russia was better of communist or not, whether the States was worse than Japan or not.. and there was only one right answer. I would be one of the students who would look up the opposite side of the story, and draw my own conclusions. You get some heavy ridicule, no matter what the argument it seems.
This is the problem: we are taught that there is only one form of right. That there is only one way to think about things. People are good or bad, you must have this or that but you cannot have both, things are only supposed to be black and white.. but wait a second, how does that make sense? This would be a sad world if it only worked in oposites.
What's even worse is that when a person finds a person or group who is oposing to the way that one person believes (or the group) they try to get rid of it. Hitler did it with the Jews, Christianity did it with Witches... and we do things like this every day. We'd like to think that we're above that, but we're all human, and very capable of doings things just like this. There have been studies to show it, and I'm sure we've seen it on a day to day basis. Take racism for instance. I was walking down the street one day, I run across a coloured lady and she starts yelling at me, telling me that there should be more equality. I hadn't done anything! She just assumed that I should treat her better, even though I was just walking down a street. If I had noticed that she was talking to me (which she only started talking to me to start yelling at me) I would've talked to her. I personally believe that now racism is coming to a point where if a white person doesn't treat a person of a different ethniticity almost better than they would a white person, we're seen as being racist. I believe in equality, don't get me wrong, in fact I love people from other countries (I think it's better than talking about colour, colour is only colour after all) I think that there's a lot to learn from them and that they're the same as us, with different experiences. There are even places around the world, though, where if a white person walks out the door they have the fear of being shot. It's not a matter of colour, it's a matter of being right.
I believe that every person should be seriously proven wrong at least once in their lives. It's happened to me at least three times, definitely more so and every time has been a learning experience worth having. Although horridly painful, it is great. There is nothing more humbling than being wrong. There is nothing more satisfying that questioning your beliefs. There is also nothing more fun than being disagreed with and earnestly listening to the other persons opinion about what things should be like instead. These are the only situations where you learn to grow..
*sigh* It makes me sad when I see that people aren't willing to look past the cover (this includes myself). That unknown, uncomfortable space of the human soul is a beautiful place to explore. It's then that we are able to humanize everyone and put them on a level which is more realistic, whether for the better or for the worse. Although, for the most part we should just let things be and learn how the world is, without the preconceived notion of things being good or bad. Any one thing could be good or bad in a given moment.
I'm going to use a rather extreme example, and one which is tough. Everybody is opinionated about abortion and if I offend you, I'm sorry. I use to think that abortion was a bad thing all around, and should never happen. It's a right to a life. However, in an Ethics class I took I learned that some women have not gotten abortions, out of fear of being judged and then ended up dying due to ailments that their body very definitely had. In this instance, it was much too dangerous to have a baby (at least at that particular time.) Another instance I found to be appropriate was in that of rape. If a woman is raped by a man, I'm sure she wouldn't want the reminder of that painful experience. It would be a hard one to get over anyway, never mind if you gave birth to a child who was conceived thanks to that man.
Things are not black and white, life has a flow. This is leading me toward my thoughts of the things which I am starting to discover I believe in, which were not in original line with the way I believed most of my life. It's surprisingly more peaceful, although my ideas are morphing more than ever before. (Probably worse than the debate of whether or not to be vegan, and that was a tough debate). I'm not going to go into much detail about what it is that I believe now (yes, I have found a system which has these particular beliefs, but it is not the right time). Just know that it has been a very humbling experience. I had completely wrong ideas (as many people do about this particular group of people) and they have currently been very debunked, and it's beautiful. There is peace, and I'm glad to have a system of spirituality again.
Life as a river, the heart can be lifted up to places that were never thought possible. The impossible is possible. There is good in the world. There is heart, things to learn, things to discover, and peace to be found. There is peace to be found.
There will probably be a second blog about this, as this is a very touchy, deep subject and there is lots to say on the manner. I'm probably going to be blogging more than emailing people as I'm currently very busy with my life. =) Here's just a few thoughts as of late. For now, adieu.
-Kotarah
Enlisting children with beliefs can be a good thing. Teaching them general things such as love, appreciation & gratitude, and other such things are great to teach, and is generally best done through example. Some things are cool to be left explored. For instance, when I was a child there wasn't really any music played in my house. My mom never listened to music, so the only music I was exposed to was music at church. I developed my own sense of musical style because of the lack of exposure to music, and I'm grateful that I can call my style of music my own.
There are things which get engrained in us, though from the time that we're a child whether positive or negative. I know that I hid the fact that my first CD ever was Britney Spears due to the fact that everybody thought she was a horrible person because of the way she acted. Over the years, I've come to realize that Spears was not a particularly bad person. She was a victim of the media. I got to thinking about it this way: What sort of reaction would I have if I was exposed to the media from a very young age? I would have a lack of privacy, and every mistake would be seen. Not only that, but stories would be made up in order to sell. In some cases your fate is preconceived because of the label you are signed with and they want you to be able to sell records. What sells? Sex, drugs, scandas... etc. Most people don't undestand that when you sign on to a big label you don't get much of an option of what you actually do for music, unless if you're already a developed artist by then. Unfortunately, most of the people who are signed onto big labels when they're in their teens are usually not developed artists. All of a sudden they have a lot of fame, and a lot of money. They no longer know what to do with themselves, and I'm sure it would be very hard to keep a good balance of thoughts and emotions. I actually came to realize that Spears had a great deal of potential, but unfortunately was ruined by the media. She's not the first, and certainly not the last. Spears probably, in some ways, feels more human that we do.. simply because of the pain that she's had.
A misconception I know that I was taught (by a variety of people, not just my parents) was that people who drink (any kind of alcohol.. not just getting drunk, but all people who had alcohol in any amount) were unintelligent. Then I went on Katimavik, and met some of the most intelligent people I've ever met.
I also remember that in school, whenever we learned about a certain era of history, we were almost always made to think just one way about it. Whether Louis Riel was a martyr or a traitor, whether Russia was better of communist or not, whether the States was worse than Japan or not.. and there was only one right answer. I would be one of the students who would look up the opposite side of the story, and draw my own conclusions. You get some heavy ridicule, no matter what the argument it seems.
This is the problem: we are taught that there is only one form of right. That there is only one way to think about things. People are good or bad, you must have this or that but you cannot have both, things are only supposed to be black and white.. but wait a second, how does that make sense? This would be a sad world if it only worked in oposites.
What's even worse is that when a person finds a person or group who is oposing to the way that one person believes (or the group) they try to get rid of it. Hitler did it with the Jews, Christianity did it with Witches... and we do things like this every day. We'd like to think that we're above that, but we're all human, and very capable of doings things just like this. There have been studies to show it, and I'm sure we've seen it on a day to day basis. Take racism for instance. I was walking down the street one day, I run across a coloured lady and she starts yelling at me, telling me that there should be more equality. I hadn't done anything! She just assumed that I should treat her better, even though I was just walking down a street. If I had noticed that she was talking to me (which she only started talking to me to start yelling at me) I would've talked to her. I personally believe that now racism is coming to a point where if a white person doesn't treat a person of a different ethniticity almost better than they would a white person, we're seen as being racist. I believe in equality, don't get me wrong, in fact I love people from other countries (I think it's better than talking about colour, colour is only colour after all) I think that there's a lot to learn from them and that they're the same as us, with different experiences. There are even places around the world, though, where if a white person walks out the door they have the fear of being shot. It's not a matter of colour, it's a matter of being right.
I believe that every person should be seriously proven wrong at least once in their lives. It's happened to me at least three times, definitely more so and every time has been a learning experience worth having. Although horridly painful, it is great. There is nothing more humbling than being wrong. There is nothing more satisfying that questioning your beliefs. There is also nothing more fun than being disagreed with and earnestly listening to the other persons opinion about what things should be like instead. These are the only situations where you learn to grow..
*sigh* It makes me sad when I see that people aren't willing to look past the cover (this includes myself). That unknown, uncomfortable space of the human soul is a beautiful place to explore. It's then that we are able to humanize everyone and put them on a level which is more realistic, whether for the better or for the worse. Although, for the most part we should just let things be and learn how the world is, without the preconceived notion of things being good or bad. Any one thing could be good or bad in a given moment.
I'm going to use a rather extreme example, and one which is tough. Everybody is opinionated about abortion and if I offend you, I'm sorry. I use to think that abortion was a bad thing all around, and should never happen. It's a right to a life. However, in an Ethics class I took I learned that some women have not gotten abortions, out of fear of being judged and then ended up dying due to ailments that their body very definitely had. In this instance, it was much too dangerous to have a baby (at least at that particular time.) Another instance I found to be appropriate was in that of rape. If a woman is raped by a man, I'm sure she wouldn't want the reminder of that painful experience. It would be a hard one to get over anyway, never mind if you gave birth to a child who was conceived thanks to that man.
Things are not black and white, life has a flow. This is leading me toward my thoughts of the things which I am starting to discover I believe in, which were not in original line with the way I believed most of my life. It's surprisingly more peaceful, although my ideas are morphing more than ever before. (Probably worse than the debate of whether or not to be vegan, and that was a tough debate). I'm not going to go into much detail about what it is that I believe now (yes, I have found a system which has these particular beliefs, but it is not the right time). Just know that it has been a very humbling experience. I had completely wrong ideas (as many people do about this particular group of people) and they have currently been very debunked, and it's beautiful. There is peace, and I'm glad to have a system of spirituality again.
Life as a river, the heart can be lifted up to places that were never thought possible. The impossible is possible. There is good in the world. There is heart, things to learn, things to discover, and peace to be found. There is peace to be found.
There will probably be a second blog about this, as this is a very touchy, deep subject and there is lots to say on the manner. I'm probably going to be blogging more than emailing people as I'm currently very busy with my life. =) Here's just a few thoughts as of late. For now, adieu.
-Kotarah
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