Sometimes there's truth to a joke.

Alright, so NOTE TO SELF: No more saying that life is as bad as it's going to get, it can always get worse, and it always DOES! Pessimistic viewpoint? Maybe so. I was actually starting to get quite a bit more optimistic today. Oh boy, maybe I am bipolar. Never before have I felt like gritting my teeth so bad, never before have I actually thought that I NEEDED to take a martial arts class of some kind. You know the kind of feelings where you're so angry you shake? Or where you feel like if you eat anything you're going to throw up? I should have wrote at the beginning of this post that I am an absolutely crazy person. That I'm kind of hopeless, my life IS a battlefield, and I'm being WAYYY too overdramatic right now. If this wasn't me who was writing this, I would probably be laughing right now. In fact I know that I would be. I would be thinking "Who is this person? Why are their thoughts so scattered? They're just silly!" Maybe that is what I am. I'm just plain silly. For now, this is enough ranting. By the way, now is the time when I will let you throw a tomato in my direction. There's plenty for all.

Why is it that I always start my blogs out with a rant that's usually completely unrelated?

Back on topic, my life sucks. Yes, that was intended to say 'sucks' because I fee like it is literally sucking life energy out of me. Like a vacuum, like a black hole, I feel worse than empty. This doesn't mean sadness or depression, it means confusino. The recipe looks something like this:

Oh look there's hope!
Wait.. there's heartbreak.
A pinch of love...
A tablespoon of annoying neighbours
A glimmer of creativity
A battle on topics which matter most to me...
A cup of endorphins
Being betrayed by a friend
3 cups of triumph
3 stabs of pain...
A reality of my cold heart...
A realization of my life's mission and that I can complete it!
and a sense of foolishness
create the recipe for...
Karen.

Sounds crazy? You have no idea. You know that queen from Alice in Wonderland who says "off with your head?" I wouldn't so much as mind if she came prancing through my land and offered too. Actually, I would ask her if she would like to switch brains for even an hour just to get relief from my thoughts. I think that I would still like to live, despite all the confusion.

It's kind of funny that my blog is named "...then move forward." Am I moving forward? Absolutely. Is it in a very good direction? I'm not really too sure. I'd like to think that it is. I just remember thinking to myself that nothing could possibly be worse than what it was a few years ago. Maybe it's not worse on the outside, on the inside the battle is torturous.

Here is tonight's misfortune. I feel like such a girl! Yes, that is what I am, but tonight I feel it! Break-ups do have an affect, even if it's mutual. Once it happened, I was at a friends place, joking around saying things like "Maybe I just wasn't beautiful enough? Why didn't he want me? Will anyone ever want me? I'm worth nothing." Then on the inside there are thoughts like; "I'm lonely. Why am I so lonely? Why would I want anything else. Isn't this what I'm used to? You're just not good enough. Who would ever be crazy enough to fall in love with me? Some fool-hardy guy, who's probably just as messed up as I am. Wait.. but I don't even deserve that." My hopes, my dreams, feel crushed even though they weren't REALLY my hopes and dreams. I want something so much more...

I once discussed with a friend about how the mind doesn't process sarcasm. I officially believe it. Those were my precise thought processes. I think I'm getting better at hiding my feelings. Whether this is a good thing or not I haven't decided. Whenever friends talk to me when I'm upset now, I let them discuss their problems and shove mine away. I can feel myself slowly building a giant wall, something about the size of China's. Who will be the one to break it down? I can feel myself growing cold. Not cold in the sense as I'm freezing (even though the window is open).. my heart is cold. China is having a harsh winter. So does that mean that I should never joke? I don't think that that's what I am implying. Joking is GOOD, but there is a kind of joking which helps one to grow and one which does not. Sarcasm is not one of those things. Bubbling like a volcano...

Maybe these could be half decent posts if they weren't so scattered.

*sigh*

WARNING: Rant. The Sad Truth.

Tonight has caused quite a stir with me. I've been searching through some internet sites and felt nothing but hatred. I'm sure you could guess what it's about. I've ranted about it once before; religion. Tonight, however, it's not to discuss my disappointment in religion, I suppose it's to state my disappointment in humanity.

What makes it morally correct to go around bashing just because we, in some way or other are different. Guess what? We're all different! It's what makes us special. It's just like this picture:



Every single person has something different to offer, but it's all part of a perfect body. We need each other to complete each other. So tell me... why are we trying to destroy each other? Why are we consistently trying to prove that one person or other is wrong? Human nature, yes. You don't need to be religious to believe in human nature. We have this strange desire to be right, no matter the cost. Sacraficing those things which matter most, family, friends, just to be right? I don't understand the purpose. There is nothing which brings more pain than to be rejected because you're different. Being different and being right are completely different things.

Everyone has a right to be different. Even though underneath it all, we are the same. We are all human, that causes there to naturally be similarities. Being different, to me, means that you steer away from ideas, to explore, to be free essentially. Everyone has their own definition of freedom. To me being free is learning how to be different. To not just accept the way things are, but at the same time, not calling down others to get to where you want to be... on the top, and right. Being right is often a state of mind where you won't budge on an opinion even if all the evidence is there, and you simply can't deny it.

So where is truth? Ideas are fun to play with. As long as people are playing, we're going to disagree. Does disagreeing mean that there needs to be fighting and wars? Do we honestly need to be so stubborn and rebellious? Maybe it's the lust for power? Maybe it's just that fire burning within us that wants to find truth.

I do believe in self-deception. We can trick ourselves into believing ideas. This is why fighting to be right can essentially be useless. We DON'T know everything. I find that science often tries to find the answers for everything when yet they don't. Religion does too, but there are some things that we just won't find out until we die, unless if otherwise shown. Believe me, some people know though. There are some experiences which are impossible to deny, and so they simply don't. Whether that's in religion or not, I've seen both. This is not, however cause for conflict.

Also note: just because a person backs down in a debate of whatever kind, it's not always because they don't think that you're worth their time or their effort. It can often be because they don't want to cause conflict. You can tell when a person is angry and not in a position to discuss a subject. In those cases, it's always best to step down and let them breathe before you discuss things again. Being willing to open up your mind and heart to try and see things from their perspective can also help.

Let's keep it simple. Life is meant to be simple, not to be as complicated as people make it out to be. Let's live life for love, relationships, health and happiness. The more contention we bring the more out of balance our lives become. The more contention there is, the more wars, heartaches, etc will happen. We have so much to live for, so why not just live?

Dear Life; I'm sorry?

Spiderwebs are not fun to get out of. I should've noted this a while ago. Games seem so worthwhile though don't they? Yeah.. games are only so fun until I realize that I have responsibilities and maybe it's not the best idea to continue on with the game. Luckily there is reality to snap us out of fantasy worlds.

So what's the reality? The reality is that there is only one life. The reality is that if life isn't lived, it's no life at all.

I'm sorry life. I've mistreated you.

People are Everywhere!

It is definitely not my day right now. I swear I need a punching bag, or a sappy movie right now. Why? I just haven't had enough alone time lately. If I get enough alone time, then I might be able to believe the state of mind which goes "Life is wonderful. All I needed was some time to think through things, and look... look how wonderful life really is!" There is a problem, though. When looking through my list of activities of things I could do today, I discovered a common thread..

1. Biking: the problem with biking right now is that I don't have music to drown myself in (but music is done with people as well) and so therefore, I would be thinking about people considering the fact that pretty well all I've been doing lately is getting together with people. Right now, I really wish I had that 'nothing box' capability.

2. Reading: guess what? Books are written by people, about people. It is a little bit better considering the fact that it's about people I don't know, but it, again, has to do with people.

3. Writing: you guessed it... people again. I suppose I could write a story about an inanimate object, with thoughts and feelings... ugh.. just like people again.

I suppose this is why Arbinger puts so much emphasis on people. People really do make the world go 'round.

Since I can't seem to escape people awake... maybe I'll try sleeping?

Wait. Then there's dreams.

*sigh*

The Religion Club.

I suppose you could say I've been grinding my teeth a little bit lately. I just don't understand human beings! We say we want one thing, when really we want the other. Currently I'm talking about diversity. I don't know how many people I've talked to who just want something different in their lives... but if they see anything that's different, they seem to hault and put a hand in front of the face of whoever's talking to them, with a "Go away!" type attitude.

The purpose of this blog is not to rant about change, however, it's to talk about religion. I've kind of come face to face with everything that I didn't want to. You know those things that you have to fight and fight for and then you discover that you were wrong? I've had lots of those moments lately. The biggest one seems to have been about religion.

Currently religion feels kind of fake. There's a face, and we stick it on when Sunday rolls around. After that the face comes down and there's someone completely different. Religion is starting to feel like a club. It can be one of the best, or one of the worst, but it feels like a club nonetheless. If you choose to leave, or you choose to join, or you coast along with it..

I don't know what I'm really trying to say. I'm just frustrated with being wrog. I still believe in my belief system that I have chosen, but there is a reason why we don't place faith in people. Shouldn't it be unified? Being in this club doesn't make us any better than anyone else does it....?