So close...

Okay, I have to spill. I need ideas! I quite possibly have a record deal, I just need to cover production costs. Anyone have any ideas as to how I could get some money?

All ideas appreciated!

Complete Shock...

All my life, it seems nothing has worked out. That I've worked hard just to get nowhere. What a waste of talent...

Now, however, that is not true. I am in shock, close to tears and happy beyond all reason. I now know that I was supposed to come here. Now I feel like I have a real reason to work toward my dreams.

I'm not going to reveal what's happening quite yet, but if you really want to know.. send me an email!

Speechless.

I have a secret, which is not really a secret at all. I have the bestest friend in the universe. Now let me say that again, I have the bestest friend in the universe. Sure, we live in different countries, but what does it matter when two hearts really connect?

I'm not really going to tell you much about her, just that I love her dearly. Right now, I'm also feeling very grateful to her. She sent me over this link. That link, which I've only just started briefing has already brought me to tears. This is PRECISELY the sort of thing I've been looking for. Don't take my word for it, check it out, tell me what you think.. and for now I'll bring down tears of happiness.. for yet again finding something which'll bring power to my life.. something worth living for!

A Prayer of Sorts

I've been contemplating the ideals of prayer lately. I know that praying calms the spirit, the mind and brings a connection to the universe. So I guess, here is a prayer of sorts.

Universe,

I long for prosperity and peace of mind and heart. I am thankful for the lover that has been graciously brought to me. I am grateful for talents and to live in such  beautiful place. At this time, I long for a light. For a path to be seen and my heart to be opened to a new way of life. For forgiveness for others, and for myself. I want to share my stories with the earth, and to my children. So please provide a path...?

Kotarah.

Prayer has been so built up. I do not believe it is a bad thing, just as I don't believe meditation is a bad thing. It allows you a connection to bring a more positive vibe into your life. Let the positivity reign.

Falling in Love.

I know I know.. I already have the man of dreams. I'm not talking about THAT kind of love.

Let's get this straight, I have NEVER been one of those girls who fall in love with people who are not real. NEVER. EVER. I laughed at the girls who swooned over actors, because they never really had a shot, who are they kidding? I even had a friend who used her crush on an actor to use as an excuse to keep guys away from her. Yeah, I thought she was pretty obsessed too. Who were these people? What could be so wonderful about dreaming about a fantasy?

Oh.. there's everything wonderful with dreaming about a fantasy, and I'm doing it with characters I'm creating in my own head. There's not one character, there's about three. One of them doesn't even have a set gender!... or at least... so it would appear on the outside. *sigh* I think I'm just in love with the whole writing process.

In some ways, I regret not continuing writing. I was told that I couldn't do it for so long that I believed I couldn't. What I've come to realize that lately, anything's possible. Despite the fact that I'm counting down the minutes at my job, wishing for something better continually. Who knows? Maybe I'll make enough money playing guitar in the street to get by? Right now I'm lost in the writing process.. the characters.. the magic.. the wonder which is my novel.

I hope it stays this way for a long time.

Working the menial job.

It takes me an hour to go to work...

One of the most beautiful hours of my day. I spend it with my love, passing by the ocean... talking about things of life.

Then I walk up to the organization I always wanted to be apart of... just not quite like this.

I sit down at a phone booth. A simple chair to sit in with a blank desk in front of me. There's the headset, the one which makes my ears ring for hours after my shift, and the simple dialer. I pick up the phone, and invade people's lives for hour.. after hour.

I hate my job. I hate the approach I have to take toward things, I hate that it doesn't pay enough for my love and I to live off of. I also hate that my other job was a scam...

For this is what I really want to do: I want to be one of those street performers. I want to get a keyboard, be different and perform with a keyboard instead of my guitar all the time, but switch when I feel the need. I want to live off the energy of this city, and surround myself with people.

I want to allow myself to dream! Just as I never did before. A dream awakened by things which I never thought possible. There are dreams of white, dreams of chubby cheeks, dreams of living off of my music and my writing for the rest of my life.

I KNOW I can do this. All I've ever wanted to do is make music, write, and stay home with my family.

Unfortunately right now, I just have to work the menial jobs.. until my dream becomes a reality.

Vegan or not?

I'm having a debate.. and if anyone reads this, please give me your opinion! I LOVE the ideas of raw foodism, veganism, etc... but if it ends up deteorating my health, I don't want to do it. Please tell me what you know. It's much appreciated!

-Kotarah

11:11 wish time

You're silently waiting, thinking. There are days when you just want to be able to shut your brain off. There are days when hope seems far away, and yet so close. You're a dreamer, but  dreaming isn't something which people you're age do. Wishing that you were a child again and life could be simpler. You could be allowed to dream, to speak out, to love fully and not look back. Then you look down at your clock. It's 11:11, wish time. A rush of feelings flow through you as you real that dreaming isn't dead, that you can dream as much as you want and not look back. It's wish time, and you'll wish.. but you'll make it happen.

Perfection

I feel like I've hit a part in my life.. where it's perfect. Sure, there's a bump here, and a bump there... I've also just come over one of the roughest patches of my life, but I came out of it. Not only alive, but thriving!

I've been proven wrong. Isn't there a beauty in finding out that you're wrong about something? Or I might not have been proven wrong, either way it's a chance to learn and appreciate humility. Isn't this what life is about? Changing, and learning how to change your mind, despite the way you were originally taught.

Life is meant to be lived simply. Life is certainly not without it's challenges still, but I'm so much happier. In the place I'm at, I'm so close to the ocean, so close to real beauty everywhere around me. It's hard to imagine that this is everything that I've been missing out on.

For years, I've been in a depression. For years, I've been holding back my own progress.. and now things are finally happening to me. I'm finally able to move ahead and fulfill my dreams!