The happy phase.

It's interesting. I think my system actually got tired of being miserable.. Which is just more of a testimony to me that our natural state is not misery. To have come this far and to have learned so much, I feel truly blessed. I want to write a blog entry of gratitude, in a list format.

1. A kind of spirituality Being at one with the creator and becoming in tune with myself has been an incredible journey. A hard one, but a great one. I am also grateful for the spiritual trials which I have had in order to get here. The fact that there are still mysteries is beautiful to me.. life is the most fantastic journey, and I'm grateful to be here, regardless of how I got here or where I'm going.

2. Family There have been many ups and downs with this, as I'm sure many others experience, and ultimately I'm grateful for them. I'm grateful for the laughter, for the tears, for the hugs, for the LOVE that's experienced through these people who I am grateful for.

3. Misunderstanding/Misjudgment This might sound like a funny thing to be grateful for. It is through these that I have learned how to care about people. For instance, when I was at Katimavik I had a roommate who I did NOT want to have. Now she is one of my ultimate closest friends. On the flip side, unfortunately there are those who we misjudge because we judged them as being extremely good, when really they have a side of immense danger. Even those circumstances I'm grateful for because of the fact that we can usually learn from the experience somehow. Even more than that I've realized that at the root of every person, there is a story. For behaviors which I have misunderstood and continue to misunderstand, there's always a story. People are one of the most beautiful methods of learning.

4. Nature Oh my... this is definitely one of my favourites. There is nothing like feeling at one with nature. Realizing that distance doesn't matter because you're staring at the same moon, which is such a beautiful part of nature. The stars, sunrises/sunsets, hills, mountains, desserts... the lists goes on. How could one get bored even with all the beauty around us? It's healing.

5. Children There is just something about the child-like innocence that gets to me. I can't really even explain, all I know is that it exists. This can also encompass the little things that make me happy, such as bubbles. Things which are cute...

6. Education This is one that I could go on forever about, because of the fact that it's been my passion for so long. My mind has been truly opened to all the wonderful things to learn in this life. Books, writing, music... that could all be encompassed here. What would life be without learning, really?

7. Creativity To be able to have a creative mind has honestly been one of the things which has made my life interesting. It's an outlet unlike anything else. It's a way to allow the mind to escape, and to change the world. We would honestly be nothing without creative minds. We probably wouldn't be able to exist.

8. Physical activity Oh the high! It's interesting, because most people dislike the feeling of the way your muscles hurt after a work out the next day. I LOVE the pain. Why? It generally means progression in the right direction. What a safe, wonderful release. Did you know that you're 50% less likely to get depression if you engage in physical activities of some kind?

9. Relationships Last but certainly not least. Right now I have two of the truest friends who I'm sure I dreamed of having. There is nothing like feeling loved. Live, love, laugh, dance! To dance through life with those who matter most is the most beautiful blessing... to be able to work through things, and discover new things about them. To realize that people matter in this life is a lesson to be learned.

Life is looking up right now, and I'm looking up to life.

I honestly find myself looking a lot more like this lately, and it makes me happy.

I LOVE LIFE.

I have too much fun being a girl. Wait... I meant woman.

Okay, okay. I am not ashamed! Today, basically all day all I've been thinking about is hair and clothes. I really need to find a job so I can gain some money so I can buy clothes!

First thing is my hair. Lately it has been driving me bonkers. The last lady who cut my hair cut the bangs too SHORT and too THICK. The rest of my hair looked really good, but now it's just disastrous. Here's an example of before and now.



SEE way too much bang



STILL way too much bang.

So here's my solution:



No, I'm not really cutting my hair that short, but I want my bangs layered something like that. It's going to be fixed (hopefully) TOMORROW.

So onto dresses. Hehe... Did I mention that I need money? I really do. I'm working on that aspect though. I really miss Katimavik... shopping with those girls.









Just some examples of some stuff I've been looking at it. Girls can have so much fun! I love being a woman!

Exciting projects

Instead of being just a thought blog, I'm going to add in some activities. Who knows.. I might even add a 101 in 1001 in here eventually! If I can come up with that many goals... So, this blog is going to be rather brief, but I'm really excited! I've been asked to participate in some projects which will cause me great joy to participate in. Wait, or I've volunteered to be in them. Here are some things which are on the go.

1. Finish songwriting for my album I'm actually going to try collaborating with some people. I've wanted to do a duet for a long time. Something kind of eerie and amazing.. The original theme of my album seemed to be kind of melancholy, and now I'm wanting it to be somewhat happier. I want it to show peace. We'll see how it turns out. Ultimately it's going to be an expression of me, but I look forward to collaborating! I love working with other people in an artist type environment!

2. Participating in a film My good friend mentioned that she was wanting to do a film.. a Halloween film. I'm REALLY looking forward to participating in it! It's kind of different for me, and I've always wanted to be in a film.

3. Writing an essay Another one of my friends is asking a bunch of our friends to write essays, which we will be sending into an authority. I'M REALLY EXCITED FOR THIS ONE! Partially because it'll help me to work through some feelings, also because of the fact that it will be sent to someone of slight importance who will read it. I think it'll help to clear my conscience.

That's kind of my life right now! I LOVE IT!

Let...go

Let...go.

Just let it go.

Let..........go.

Why is it so much easier to say than to do? I don't quite understand why I have this ridiculous urge in me to fight. Yes, life has been hard. I'm sure everyone's had those moments that they NEVER thought would happen to them. When those things happen over and over again... you begin to forget about everything else. Why is it so much easier to be negative than positive?

It's like I have this constant need to fight. I know that I'm ready to move on, that I'm ready to start living a happy life, but my mind seems to have other ideas. This was really hard, why should you be able to move on so quickly? But is it worth it to dwell on this? Think of how much it hurt you.. You were so stupid for letting that happen, so naive. However, there is a way to move past this. I'm a smart enough person. The matter is simple. Is it really simple? This seems to be a situation which reoccurs constantly in your life. You'll always fail at this.

ACK! The most degrading thoughts... but I want progression! The problem with fighting with yourself is that there is almost no way out unless if you are able to come up with a different thought than originally thought. Your mind knows all the tactics that you'll use to try to talk itself out of it's own idea... your mind knows your weaknesses, knows your strengths, your fighting tactics... but in the end, does it really matter? What really matters is that it's easy to move forward. As long as we learn something from a mistake, and try to stay positive in the process, nothing else should matter.

Someone once told me that it would be a lot harder to be depressed if we took a look at what was around us every day. There is so much beauty... everywhere. It helps to realize the natural order of things. Going through trials is just part of life's natural process.

Let.......go.

Let go.

Just a glorious day.

I tell you, the universe is working with me! It's not working against me! Hooray! So gorgeous in fact that I'm almost speechless. Not quite though. I've realized some things, I need to make a new set of goals for life. Here's some things I would like to pursue in thought.

1. I need to finish recording my CD
2. Write the blogs that I keep on thinking of
3. Figure out a practical but amazing career path.
4. Get out of town for a little while ;)
5. I SERIOUSLY NEED TO READ A BOOK! A FULL BOOK! SERIOUSLY!

I met a fantastic lady today! I find it interesting that I missed talking to seniors so much, but I did. There's just something about them.

I also seriously think that everyone should take a look at the blog http://www.numinousnotes.blogspot.com I think this woman is a genius, and I've discovered her thoughts very much coincide with my own.

Tired! It's time for bed!

-K.

Definining ideas

It's been a very thought provoking night. Lately I've been humbled more than I would've liked to, but then again when is humility easy? Humility leaves room for growth though, which is good right? Growth, growth is good.

My thoughts lead to those of ideas, where they originate and how different people define them. Especially in regard to friendship and love. I once knew a person in whom I chatted with for a great deal of time on what a friend should be. We never came to a conclusion because every idea seemed to contradict itself.

However, love, I have a definitive idea on. It is something so deep, that's it's almost incomprehensible. It's an emotion which is hard to explain. To me, though, it's where you realize that that person is important to you. Somehow, you're able to be open to them. Your life is somehow better with them there. At the same time, it's not without heartache, it's not perfect, and you acknowledge that they're not perfect. If that person left, it would truly matter. You would stand by that person no matter the hardship because you love them. It's a connection which is truly remarkable. You want them to succeed, and you want to do it with them. It's a most beautiful, beautiful thing.

In connection with my last post love is interesting. I mentioned wanting to open my heart. I realize now that often when I say that I love people, my heart is very closed. I feel fond of them but not necessarily a love for them. I think it's been harming me. Now having said that, I realized how loosely I throw around the word love. How terrible is that? For something so beautiful and wonderful as love to be thrown around, and then thinking about friendship, who are my real friends? Friends don't follow as deeply as love but they don't flow as loosely as I let on either. Isn't it a form of lying if I'm saying that someone is a friend or that I love someone if I don't consider them a friend or don't love them? Arg. I think it is. It's a cruel form of lying. It's almost a form of manipulation. It's like I'm trying to make them feel better even though subconsciously I know the truth. Hypocrisy messes with your system, and with the universe.

Not remaining in sync with my own ideas in relation to the universe is a dangerous task to attempt. It will confuse me and the ideas which come in to my sense of reality. I believe that we create our own reality, and if we confuse them, it complicates matters more than necessary. It throws our systems off balance. I've been doing a number to my system. Love matters, friendship matters, and shouldn't be treated lightly. Erm... These aren't the only ideas which I've been thinking about, but have been seemingly important ones.

Remember what I said about humility? I never thought of myself as an overly prideful person. Lately I'm realizing how wrong I was. There are some ideas which I've been fighting heavily which I've decided just to relax on. Actually, relaxing seems to have been my method of things. I've found huge reasons to change, and I'm glad I have. Change has been in the air for a while now and this is just fast forwarding the process.

The best way to describe the change is by an animal which I've been related to. A horse. I was a wild, confused, scared thing.. and now it feels like I'm being tended to. I'm able to relax and am not wanting to be wild because of the care. It is so beautiful to be able to relax and watch my life unfold. I now feel safer in running through the fields.. more freedom to ride.. because my heart is calm...

Funny. I feel like I should technically feel more alone now that I realize my truth about love and friendship, considering I was lying to myself about so much, but I feel closer to those people with whom I associate myself with closely, whom I consider to be a friend. Love is a rare thing to be found, but there is some, and even that much is comforting. It's not about quantity but about quality right?

An idea that I should start defining is that of good quality sleep. Won't that be fun?

I owe it to my heart.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - CS Lewis

" If you lock your heart away either from the beginning or as a reaction to the pain obtained after giving part of it away it will slowly rot. Sure you will spare yourself the sting of more pain but you will never know the joy that comes with loving. The longer it is locked up the more it will rot and the weaker it will become until it is good for nothing and because of it's weakness it will be even more susceptible to pain than it ever was. Making it harder to give away. Oh yeah one more thing. The author is using words like casket, coffin, airless, and irredeemable to signify death.
Indicating that in trying to protect your heart you are essentially preventing it from being broken by killing it yourself."

The first thing is a quote which was on my friends notes on facebook. The comment below is a comment that someone wrote on his page. It REALLY struck me. I've been living by this theory that by keeping my heart locked away, I would be able to stubbornly create a kind of bliss to which I only have to adhere to my own rules. Not just blocking out love for a man, but for most of humankind. Oh, I love, but I don't really love. I love safely, if there's such a thing. I love for convenience. I love to stay distanced, but make them feel close. I keep my heart protected. Lately I've discovered that this isn't really what I want, but it's a hard thing to change.

When it says that the longer you keep your heart locked away, that it rots, it's not kidding. Lately it seems like a life of loss. Some for the good, some surprising, but loss nonetheless. The more it happens the less I seem to care. I've felt my heart becoming cold. I found that I LOVE distance. That being alone isn't really so lonely because it's easier than creating real relationships. Oh yes, talking to people is great, but to keep them at a distance from my heart is the safest way to go about things.

However now I have reason to not want it to be locked away. I want real relationships with people. I think I owe it to my heart to love. Lately I've been realizing more and more that life is short, and what else do we have if not love?

I once said that I wanted to live my life in beautiful colours. What could possibly be more beautiful in colours than love? The patterns of the heart I believe were meant to love. John Lennon once said that all we need is love. There would be less war if there was more love. Love starts within people, why when I have been so fortunate, have I been incapable of loving? Being stubborn only goes so far. I take some things as challenges and I'm usually determined to win. One of those challenges has been to see how blocked off I could stay. What is the real point of keeping my heart from people? My heart is mine to offer. It's an emotional part, the part which doesn't need to make sense to be meaningful.

Lately I discovered I don't want to live with just my heart. I want to give it away and discover that piece of myself. I want the radiating colours. I never realized it before but I have a fear of really loving.. incredible. When yet my whole belief process seems to have been built on the premise of love, I found myself incapable. I was wondering why I would look at others and become envious of their freedom to love. I think I can link my fear.

Love is uncertain. It DOES hurt when things go badly, and it's that fear of things going badly which prevents me from being able to really love. I have a ridiculous fear of the unknown. This is a sheer definition of love. Walking into love is like walking into an unlit room. I'm afraid of the dark, but sometimes the room you go into will have a light at the end. Sometimes if I know that there is a chance that the room will stay dark then I won't go for it. My goodness I'm semi-pathetic. My whole life is run on fear! I like things to be stable, I like to feel that things are stable. Relationships can be uncertain, but I guess that if one is unstable how can a relationship be stable?

By sacrificing my heart I feel I will gain so much. I think I will be more free. Loving a man will bring beauty unforeseeable. To allow him to touch my heart could quite possibly bring a oneness that I wouldn't have otherwise.

THIS is why I want to change. I don't want to run my life by fear any longer. Loss happens, but so does love. I want moments that I will never forget. My heart wants me to relax, and allow natural courses to happen. Love is a natural course. Honestly I look forward to discovering it's full affects. I look forward to love, and to not letting my heart rot anymore.

Youch. I didn't imagine that a note would provoke this much emotion within me.

Here's a song which I find fits.

THIS IS AMAZING!

Hello readers,

This is amazing and I think you should take a look at it.

http://numinousnotes.blogspot.com/2010/08/start-new-revolution-now.html

K.