'Why are you leaving? There's only one day left.'
'I would be lying to myself if I stayed.'
'This is who you are. You're honest.'
I walked out the door, and that man caught me. I started trembling as I looked up at him. My lip started shaking and tears started streaming down my face. "I'll come back for you in a minute. Wait outside my office."
How could they disrespect or teacher like that? Did they have no appreciation for the opportunity they've been given? Clearly they didn't. I still remembered the look on her face.. she believed in us so much... and look what we had done? Yes, I included myself in the we. I had not been the best person to my absolute capabilities. I just couldn't believe it had gotten this far. Maybe I hadn't done as much as others, but I had contributed to her stress... and all she did was care...
'Karen, it's good to see you, step in.'
I couldn't help but burst out crying.
'This really isn't your fault. We should've done more in our screening process. We try not to let the innocent get hurt in the process, but they always do. There's only one day left anyway, and in our eyes you're not quitting. You did what you could."
"I just can't watch them pretend. I can't watch them suck up. It's disrespectful to her."
"I understand. Really, you're fine. You contributed the best you could and now you're move on. Live your dreams."
This was the first encounter I was thinking about when it came to innocence and how we work with lies. I do honestly believe that there was a time where real values, like innocence and honesty mattered, but now... it's a joke.
There are so many things I could discuss. The lies, the deceiving... and it makes me sick. Every single last bit of it! I fight for truth, I fight for freedom.. and to see the injustice's, it's terrible! Or society is deeming that in order to become successful we need to lie even at the expense of our loved ones, that it's okay to play mindless games, that it's okay to treat people like they don't matter.
THIS IS WRONG.
I don't know how people can think otherwise. What happened to treating others as you want to be treated? Regardless of race, gender, religion, sex.. who cares? We're all humans, and we all have rights to feel free...
I suppose this is why I am the way I am. I'm not saying this to put myself on a pedestal, I'm not saying these things to get pitty... I'm saying these things because I need this OUT there and it HURTS.
What has me on this topic now? There have been numerous events which have happened the past little while which, although I've been happier than ever... has brought pain. Now, doesn't that seem contradictory? It's not. I told my friend the other day that I was feeling a little bit sad, despite everything else happy that was going on. I said "I take sadness, embrace it, welcome it.. then let it go." Emotion is better dealt with that than not, and there will always be things which hurt.
Tonight it's just A LOT of pain. Probably because it also has to do with someone else and when someone else gets hurt, I feel the pain a lot worse.
I just put everything into a friendship, and it all back-fired on me. This person is done with me now.. my purpose has been filled, so I'm left in a list of memories which are not going to be important to said person. This person gave it up SO EASILY! I just don't even understand. This hurts.. but I don't think it's just this. Ever since I made my decision to be true to myself and leave my religion for a different way of life.. well, we'll say I can't count how many friends I've lost.
There's a part of me that screams wishing they could understand, that they would just give another chance! Fear gets in the way... fear gets in the way of love.
Contraversal to mention religion? Yes. Necessary? Also yes. That's when this pattern all started.
I wish I could explain how much it hurt. The decision was PAINFUL! EVERYTHING I had lived for, for twenty years, I could no longer believe in. I was still ME! It's easier to assume things than to assume that there's another side, though. People just see past experiences with past people and assume you're going to be the same.
THAT'S NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.
I ended up writing a song about it, and man.. will it make me happy to have that song released. I love it when I get the chance to sit down and really explain my story to someone. The mistakes I've made, the person I am. Why? Because they give me a chance. I realize the risks involved with sharing my story... I understand I can lose them.. as it's happened to the most 'unexpected' people for me.
Wow.. it really is like my soul is screaming. It's screaming and wants to be heard. My soul wishes that people could understand.. the pain. I'm every bit as human as everybody else. I seem to have to be strong for everybody else, especially lately, so when I show emotion... people often step back. Where is the happy-go-lucky girl? Then they go off... on their own way... Gah!
I'M LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! I WANT TO BE HEARD - I WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD!
I WANT YOU TO STOP PUSHING ME - I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO FEEL!!!!
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE!!!!! I WANT YOU TO BE A FRIEND, TOO!
..that's better. Now I'll rant quieter. Would it be okay if our friendship was reciprocated? Instead of me being your councilor, I could be your friend as well? Wasn't that originally what I signed up for anyway? Is it too much to ask for to not have to be strong for you? Is it too much to ask for to sometimes be allowed to not be my usual happy-go-lucky self and use your shoulder to cry on? Would it be okay if you didn't use me and drop me, and try to work through our issues? Would you allow some room for me to be human and make mistakes? Would you try to listen to me without judgement and I'll do my best to do the same? Would you try to love me instead of change me? Could you talk to me instead of try to convert me...? Is it really too much to ask?
For a person who has a hard time losing people, I think losing so many people in my life is finally starting to wear on me..
I've changed SO MUCH within the past year. I really have tried to change the focus from me to others, but at the same time being honest with myself. This is why I believe that being honest is sometimes hard. Sometimes people would honestly rather hear lies.
This is life. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for those people in my life, but I guess you could say I feel... weak.
All I can do is live my life. Regardless of who is there or what may happen, life is about the journey, and it's beautiful.
