Motivation blah.

How do people run and do things when they have no motivation? I know that I can if it's at the very last second with things, but with not having a deadline it's hard. Motivation to clean the house.. and get this university application in are slightly failing. Although, I am starting to read an awesome book.

I also haven't had motivation to write in here, surprise!

One day I will laugh at all this.

Life has been interesting as of late. I've been so very, very stressed with everything that life has had to offer. My phone broke and is now out of commission. What do I do? I feel like laughing. After everything that's happening lately, I feel like laughing. Why? Because I have the keys to make my future great, and I'm starting to get used to things not going to according to plan. I'm learning to love my life despite these facts, or there's no use crying over spilled milk. Although this is starting to seem more like a bomb exploding in our shower stall. I imagine that wouldn't be very comfortable, and I don't generally cry over spilled milk. Luckily it's a bomb exploding in our shower stall... so it's worth crying about, but even better, I'm laughing about it. One day my love and I will have everything our hearts desire and so much more. Luckily right now, part of what we desire is each other.

Give me a break.

I think I just kind of feel shocked.. and more or less dead. Everything I've been wanting seems to have been crumbling around me. How do I handle it? 


There's this screen, it'd be blank if it wasn't for electricity. All that can be done is to check back and forth. People I wish to hear from, people to help me to run from this pain. I click back and forth, reading and re-reading messages. I don't know what I'm waiting for.. I suppose I'm waiting for life to happen. Even though I realize that life won't happen unless if I make it happen.


While I'm sitting there clicking back and forth, there is a man. A man who has sacrificed everything for my happiness. A man who is so dear to my heart. The person whom more than anything else in this world, I want to spend time with. I want to savor every second with him. But I'm being sucked away by addiction.. watching him break-down, and watching me distance my heart from him.


Then I notice a change in me. He is everything I've ever dreamed of plus so much more. This screen, this one which seems to suck my life away, this screen is not as worthwhile as him. My addictions have been there for me to cling onto my whole life, but my wonderful R has been able to separate me from the prison that has been my life. 


I still feel empty, I feel humbled, I feel broken. I haven't been able to do what I want with my life. I haven't been able to become a raw foodist because right now I'm honestly just trying to get food enough to survive. I still don't know what's wrong with my health. I can't work, I'm worried for school to begin.. just sigh. 


It's only this man, this wonderful man who seems to have been able to hold me together. I realize that the keys on this keyboard cannot give me as much as he can. This blank screen that has electricity is not as important as my time with him. There is a world, a world of learning, a universe to embrace, and a lover to love. Time is more precious than the most amounts of gold. A world can be changed with a peaceful word. Hearts can be changed by a single song, and souls can be changed with the sound of a heartbeat willing to intertwine with one's own. There is a power, a force more powerful than our fear of the unknown, and it is one of the hardest things to know. This is the power of love. 

Stressed.

It's a rare occasion when I feel like this.. but.. help? I wish I was better so I could work. I love my R, but I hate that he basically has to look after me. Everything else is just fine and dandy.. but stress... I wish I took it better. It's been so bad since school ended. I wish I could get out of here even if it was just for the weekend. Or maybe I should read a book.