http://kotarahsoleil.wordpress.com

Hello my few readers,

I have created a new blog. One which is a bit more professional for my musical career. It's been fun using this one, and I hope to continue with you on my other one. The link is http://kotarahsoleil.blogspot.com so follow it, follow it!

Love,

Kotarah

This is me now.

I had a dream. One where I'd be beautiful... Where I'd be one of those skinny girls. Guess what? It's really happening!

I never knew

I guess there is a time
where you think you know everything
You know loneliness
You know pain.
And happiness feels so far away.
This is what happened to me
I was so naive.

I was taught once, that I knew love
Questioning why I couldn't get a hug
Was this the one I loved?
Or were you remembering Father's touch?
I promise you had no reason to fear loving me.
I couldn't understand why my love was treated like a disease.

I thought that I knew pain
Remembering my Father's hits
Of words unspeakable
Could I crumble before I had a chance to rise?
Was this to be the fate of my life?

But still, I never knew never knew.
No I never knew anything at all.

I thought I knew loneliness
When I wrote about my footprints
Of the different path I'd chosen to take
I prayed to God every day
Wondering why my answers never came
and why I felt so horrible every day...
For I was praying to a God of truth
My life was anything but smooth...
The inner conflict ruled.
The contraversy and contradiction
Would eventually errupt my system
but I still had friends...
who could explain away my suspicions

What happens when you can't explain away
what doesn't make sense so frequently
Will you blind your eyes so you can pretend to see?
I couldn't do it anymore, so seeking truth I looked forward
fearing the views of my peers, it was a time of naught but tears
I gasped and cried, every painful night
For loneliness was beginning to errupt..
and to this day, I wouldn't wish it on a soul
To feel this betrayed.
For if this was the way
That God's people behaved
I wouldn't learn love or mercy anyway.
Just to judge
And try to shush
Not even try to understand
One of the hardest decisions to be made by a woman...
For the more that I searched
The more that I knew
That I had to follow what was true
Even I'd it lead me away from home...
Oh so alone.

For I never knew, never knew
I never knew loneliness this way.
Never knew anything at all.

I wish I'd realized I hadn't known love
For when the first lad came along
A dream it appeared
Naivity clearly gained threw the years.
I feely gave my heart, as it was destroyed.
Treated little better than a toy
Oh, the things I learned.
I gave myself, no longer really there
Taking my heart to gently tear
To play a game, and take away my world
It was a clever game, but like all games they end
and I was never taught, really, how to mend

Cover it up, put a smile on
There were some who were right on
The facts of life... and getting it right
That didn't change the fact that I didn't sleep at night
Or that I would've fought for just one touch again..
Yes, I'd lost almost every friend.
I almost knew loneliness
I almost knew
I was lost, and so confused.
because I never knew, I never knew.

The idea of dreams was foreign
In a life where you do what you need to survive
Just get through the day, by and by
So I never knew freedom
Without the death, then the kingdom
A broken idea of heaven
and no appreciation for life
Until I listened to my heart, and what I believe to be true.
Which changed to gain a real life
and freedom of the heart, I could fly.
No one could see my wings, or would join me in my new found beauty
I thought I was alone, forever alone.

I remembered a man.
A man who had careful hands, who wouldn't hurt a soul.
I remembered this man, figured I'd give it a chance
Figured I'd had nothing more to lose.
In it, I found a place to heal.
When I never knew love, I found it here.
and a healing from all the years of pain, of pain.
For this man, is jolly in life's hands
and I'm proud to be in his life's dance.
You could say he saved me, you could say he set me free
You would also know he's the only one who ever believed in me.
No, I never knew, I never knew that I could love like this.
Never knew I could feel safe in a man's kiss,
or that my dreams mattered.
No, I only thought my life would continue it's pattern.
My world opened up
to a city of love
So I'll lay my thanks to the earth, to this beautiful universe
For a life that I'd never dreamt to be real.
Creations a plenty, I never thought I'd appreciate so many
but most of all my man's gentle heart.
It brings tears to my eyes, how he changed my life
for I never thought I'd know what it was like to have such a man by my side.
We're free to explore
This world's bliss some more
And learn of truth again
I'll lay my heart to the earth
A beautiful rebirth
Smiling, and stepping onward
Take his hand, leap a little
This earth is not fragile
Meant to hold and enlighten our souls
We'll keep dreaming
Side by side, believing
in a free world, hand in hand.
Never has there been a more blissful life's dance...


-Kotarah Soleil.

New Project

Currently, I'm devoid of being able to write songs as effectively as I would like (which is a problem soon to be fixed.) In the meantime.. and possibly for the next while even after I'm able to write songs again, I shall be writing a journal. Not being connected to the world can be a beautiful thing.

Change of seasons, change of ideas.

Imagine a child, gleefully sitting around listening to their parent tell them stories. Stories which could be true or false, but it doesn't make a difference in the child's eyes. The parent may or may not realize that even with the simple stories, they are engraining a child with beliefs.

Enlisting children with beliefs can be a good thing. Teaching them general things such as love, appreciation & gratitude, and other such things are great to teach, and is generally best done through example. Some things are cool to be left explored. For instance, when I was a child there wasn't really any music played in my house. My mom never listened to music, so the only music I was exposed to was music at church. I developed my own sense of musical style because of the lack of exposure to music, and I'm grateful that I can call my style of music my own.

There are things which get engrained in us, though from the time that we're a child whether positive or negative. I know that I hid the fact that my first CD ever was Britney Spears due to the fact that everybody thought she was a horrible person because of the way she acted. Over the years, I've come to realize that Spears was not a particularly bad person. She was a victim of the media. I got to thinking about it this way: What sort of reaction would I have if I was exposed to the media from a very young age? I would have a lack of privacy, and every mistake would be seen. Not only that, but stories would be made up in order to sell. In some cases your fate is preconceived because of the label you are signed with and they want you to be able to sell records. What sells? Sex, drugs, scandas... etc. Most people don't undestand that when you sign on to a big label you don't get much of an option of what you actually do for music, unless if you're already a developed artist by then. Unfortunately, most of the people who are signed onto big labels when they're in their teens are usually not developed artists. All of a sudden they have a lot of fame, and a lot of money. They no longer know what to do with themselves, and I'm sure it would be very hard to keep a good balance of thoughts and emotions. I actually came to realize that Spears had a great deal of potential, but unfortunately was ruined by the media. She's not the first, and certainly not the last. Spears probably, in some ways, feels more human that we do.. simply because of the pain that she's had.

A misconception I know that I was taught (by a variety of people, not just my parents) was that people who drink (any kind of alcohol.. not just getting drunk, but all people who had alcohol in any amount) were unintelligent. Then I went on Katimavik, and met some of the most intelligent people I've ever met.

I also remember that in school, whenever we learned about a certain era of history, we were almost always made to think just one way about it. Whether Louis Riel was a martyr or a traitor, whether Russia was better of communist or not, whether the States was worse than Japan or not.. and there was only one right answer. I would be one of the students who would look up the opposite side of the story, and draw my own conclusions. You get some heavy ridicule, no matter what the argument it seems.

This is the problem: we are taught that there is only one form of right. That there is only one way to think about things. People are good or bad, you must have this or that but you cannot have both, things are only supposed to be black and white.. but wait a second, how does that make sense? This would be a sad world if it only worked in oposites.

What's even worse is that when a person finds a person or group who is oposing to the way that one person believes (or the group) they try to get rid of it. Hitler did it with the Jews, Christianity did it with Witches... and we do things like this every day. We'd like to think that we're above that, but we're all human, and very capable of doings things just like this. There have been studies to show it, and I'm sure we've seen it on a day to day basis. Take racism for instance. I was walking down the street one day, I run across a coloured lady and she starts yelling at me, telling me that there should be more equality. I hadn't done anything! She just assumed that I should treat her better, even though I was just walking down a street. If I had noticed that she was talking to me (which she only started talking to me to start yelling at me) I would've talked to her. I personally believe that now racism is coming to a point where if a white person doesn't treat a person of a different ethniticity almost better than they would a white person, we're seen as being racist. I believe in equality, don't get me wrong, in fact I love people from other countries (I think it's better than talking about colour, colour is only colour after all) I think that there's a lot to learn from them and that they're the same as us, with different experiences. There are even places around the world, though, where if a white person walks out the door they have the fear of being shot. It's not a matter of colour, it's a matter of being right.

I believe that every person should be seriously proven wrong at least once in their lives. It's happened to me at least three times, definitely more so and every time has been a learning experience worth having. Although horridly painful, it is great. There is nothing more humbling than being wrong. There is nothing more satisfying that questioning your beliefs. There is also nothing more fun than being disagreed with and earnestly listening to the other persons opinion about what things should be like instead. These are the only situations where you learn to grow..

*sigh* It makes me sad when I see that people aren't willing to look past the cover (this includes myself). That unknown, uncomfortable space of the human soul is a beautiful place to explore. It's then that we are able to humanize everyone and put them on a level which is more realistic, whether for the better or for the worse. Although, for the most part we should just let things be and learn how the world is, without the preconceived notion of things being good or bad. Any one thing could be good or bad in a given moment.

I'm going to use a rather extreme example, and one which is tough. Everybody is opinionated about abortion and if I offend you, I'm sorry. I use to think that abortion was a bad thing all around, and should never happen. It's a right to a life. However, in an Ethics class I took I learned that some women have not gotten abortions, out of fear of being judged and then ended up dying due to ailments that their body very definitely had. In this instance, it was much too dangerous to have a baby (at least at that particular time.) Another instance I found to be appropriate was in that of rape. If a woman is raped by a man, I'm sure she wouldn't want the reminder of that painful experience. It would be a hard one to get over anyway, never mind if you gave birth to a child who was conceived thanks to that man.

Things are not black and white, life has a flow. This is leading me toward my thoughts of the things which I am starting to discover I believe in, which were not in original line with the way I believed most of my life. It's surprisingly more peaceful, although my ideas are morphing more than ever before. (Probably worse than the debate of whether or not to be vegan, and that was a tough debate). I'm not going to go into much detail about what it is that I believe now (yes, I have found a system which has these particular beliefs, but it is not the right time). Just know that it has been a very humbling experience. I had completely wrong ideas (as many people do about this particular group of people) and they have currently been very debunked, and it's beautiful. There is peace, and I'm glad to have a system of spirituality again.

Life as a river, the heart can be lifted up to places that were never thought possible. The impossible is possible. There is good in the world. There is heart, things to learn, things to discover, and peace to be found. There is peace to be found. 

There will probably be a second blog about this, as this is a very touchy, deep subject and there is lots to say on the manner. I'm probably going to be blogging more than emailing people as I'm currently very busy with my life. =) Here's just a few thoughts as of late. For now, adieu.

-Kotarah

Storm before the calm

I haven't written in a long time. My life has fallen apart, sunk, and probably been the best thing that's ever happened. My loveliest love and I left our home with two weeks notice, without jobs, with only a place and a bit of support as a security, which is unlike anything I've done in my life. There were days were we weren't sure where we were going to find our next meal, but somehow we've pulled through. I can promise that without him, I never would've gotten anywhere.

It's been an adventure. It's harder to take advantage of the things that I have in the past, because now I realize I'm better off than I thought.

Now, it's harder to turn people away who are in need, because I understand what it's like, and that's something that I thought I could say before, but it's not until now that I can. I found this song the other day, and it made me happy. So inspiring. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqruKfyn81E&feature=feedf I believe we've finally hit the calm. Just a bit more, and we'll make it.

There's misfortune, and unfortunately a whole world of people who aren't wiling to take people through their storms. Without each other nobody would make it anywhere.

Moving was the best thing that happened, though, because now I'm more able to get over the things that I never was. All the things that were haunting me I'm starting to come through. I'm starting to really experience life, love and figure out what I want without anybody else's influence.

This is a time of love, learning and laughter. Thank goodness.

So close...

Okay, I have to spill. I need ideas! I quite possibly have a record deal, I just need to cover production costs. Anyone have any ideas as to how I could get some money?

All ideas appreciated!

Complete Shock...

All my life, it seems nothing has worked out. That I've worked hard just to get nowhere. What a waste of talent...

Now, however, that is not true. I am in shock, close to tears and happy beyond all reason. I now know that I was supposed to come here. Now I feel like I have a real reason to work toward my dreams.

I'm not going to reveal what's happening quite yet, but if you really want to know.. send me an email!

Speechless.

I have a secret, which is not really a secret at all. I have the bestest friend in the universe. Now let me say that again, I have the bestest friend in the universe. Sure, we live in different countries, but what does it matter when two hearts really connect?

I'm not really going to tell you much about her, just that I love her dearly. Right now, I'm also feeling very grateful to her. She sent me over this link. That link, which I've only just started briefing has already brought me to tears. This is PRECISELY the sort of thing I've been looking for. Don't take my word for it, check it out, tell me what you think.. and for now I'll bring down tears of happiness.. for yet again finding something which'll bring power to my life.. something worth living for!

A Prayer of Sorts

I've been contemplating the ideals of prayer lately. I know that praying calms the spirit, the mind and brings a connection to the universe. So I guess, here is a prayer of sorts.

Universe,

I long for prosperity and peace of mind and heart. I am thankful for the lover that has been graciously brought to me. I am grateful for talents and to live in such  beautiful place. At this time, I long for a light. For a path to be seen and my heart to be opened to a new way of life. For forgiveness for others, and for myself. I want to share my stories with the earth, and to my children. So please provide a path...?

Kotarah.

Prayer has been so built up. I do not believe it is a bad thing, just as I don't believe meditation is a bad thing. It allows you a connection to bring a more positive vibe into your life. Let the positivity reign.

Falling in Love.

I know I know.. I already have the man of dreams. I'm not talking about THAT kind of love.

Let's get this straight, I have NEVER been one of those girls who fall in love with people who are not real. NEVER. EVER. I laughed at the girls who swooned over actors, because they never really had a shot, who are they kidding? I even had a friend who used her crush on an actor to use as an excuse to keep guys away from her. Yeah, I thought she was pretty obsessed too. Who were these people? What could be so wonderful about dreaming about a fantasy?

Oh.. there's everything wonderful with dreaming about a fantasy, and I'm doing it with characters I'm creating in my own head. There's not one character, there's about three. One of them doesn't even have a set gender!... or at least... so it would appear on the outside. *sigh* I think I'm just in love with the whole writing process.

In some ways, I regret not continuing writing. I was told that I couldn't do it for so long that I believed I couldn't. What I've come to realize that lately, anything's possible. Despite the fact that I'm counting down the minutes at my job, wishing for something better continually. Who knows? Maybe I'll make enough money playing guitar in the street to get by? Right now I'm lost in the writing process.. the characters.. the magic.. the wonder which is my novel.

I hope it stays this way for a long time.

Working the menial job.

It takes me an hour to go to work...

One of the most beautiful hours of my day. I spend it with my love, passing by the ocean... talking about things of life.

Then I walk up to the organization I always wanted to be apart of... just not quite like this.

I sit down at a phone booth. A simple chair to sit in with a blank desk in front of me. There's the headset, the one which makes my ears ring for hours after my shift, and the simple dialer. I pick up the phone, and invade people's lives for hour.. after hour.

I hate my job. I hate the approach I have to take toward things, I hate that it doesn't pay enough for my love and I to live off of. I also hate that my other job was a scam...

For this is what I really want to do: I want to be one of those street performers. I want to get a keyboard, be different and perform with a keyboard instead of my guitar all the time, but switch when I feel the need. I want to live off the energy of this city, and surround myself with people.

I want to allow myself to dream! Just as I never did before. A dream awakened by things which I never thought possible. There are dreams of white, dreams of chubby cheeks, dreams of living off of my music and my writing for the rest of my life.

I KNOW I can do this. All I've ever wanted to do is make music, write, and stay home with my family.

Unfortunately right now, I just have to work the menial jobs.. until my dream becomes a reality.

Vegan or not?

I'm having a debate.. and if anyone reads this, please give me your opinion! I LOVE the ideas of raw foodism, veganism, etc... but if it ends up deteorating my health, I don't want to do it. Please tell me what you know. It's much appreciated!

-Kotarah

11:11 wish time

You're silently waiting, thinking. There are days when you just want to be able to shut your brain off. There are days when hope seems far away, and yet so close. You're a dreamer, but  dreaming isn't something which people you're age do. Wishing that you were a child again and life could be simpler. You could be allowed to dream, to speak out, to love fully and not look back. Then you look down at your clock. It's 11:11, wish time. A rush of feelings flow through you as you real that dreaming isn't dead, that you can dream as much as you want and not look back. It's wish time, and you'll wish.. but you'll make it happen.

Perfection

I feel like I've hit a part in my life.. where it's perfect. Sure, there's a bump here, and a bump there... I've also just come over one of the roughest patches of my life, but I came out of it. Not only alive, but thriving!

I've been proven wrong. Isn't there a beauty in finding out that you're wrong about something? Or I might not have been proven wrong, either way it's a chance to learn and appreciate humility. Isn't this what life is about? Changing, and learning how to change your mind, despite the way you were originally taught.

Life is meant to be lived simply. Life is certainly not without it's challenges still, but I'm so much happier. In the place I'm at, I'm so close to the ocean, so close to real beauty everywhere around me. It's hard to imagine that this is everything that I've been missing out on.

For years, I've been in a depression. For years, I've been holding back my own progress.. and now things are finally happening to me. I'm finally able to move ahead and fulfill my dreams!

It's hard for me to look back on this blog. I was so excited to get my health going, and to get my life in order.

...then move forward... HA it feels like a joke. I haven't been moving forward! At least not in the areas I've wanted to. There always seems to be some sort of block. If the block is the fact that my boyfriend and I aren't supposed to be here, then I suppose that is about to be fixed. 

The funny part is that people will say 'well, you always do that. You always say you're going to do something and then don't follow through with it.' a) this is no longer true b) there were road blocks that we literally COULD NOT ignore. We've barely had money to have food on our table (which is now gone for our move). 

I've never felt so alone. I guess now I have no choice but to move forward. Now I just need to move forward and create a plan! I think that's the hardest part for me to do. Come up with a plan. It's time consuming, you never know if it's going to work... it's time consuming, it's easy to be lazy.. you never know if you're going to come up with too much of a plan, too late, you catch my drift. 

However, I need a plan. I really, really do. I think I feel mostly okay with my life now but I'm scared of slipping. My life has been based on fear, and kind of an unreality. I want this reality to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

Speaking of beauty, that's much of what my next post will be about.

For now, am I a failure? I suppose I can't sway your decision any. On the appearance I have failed. I have not lost a bunch of weight. I have not become much better at the guitar. I've only started to write songs and my novel. We have to move, and it probably could've been prevented.. but maybe that's the universe saying get out of here! Spread your wings and fly! So if I am a failure, then this is the best failure I've ever had. I never realized failure could feel so good, and that I could feel like I was so close to success! 

Accepting Fate

I.. am stressed. Heavily so. In light of what is happening, it is just proof that things can change at the flip of a hat. In this instance, no I'm not referring to my loverboy. I realize that the past few posts have been about how stressed I am, but this is a weird kind of stress. I'm almost calm at the same time. I realize that the events which have happened, have happened because they were supposed to. That doesn't make it any less scary. That doesn't make it any more likely that things will turn out okay. I have to uproot from everything I've known the past sixteen years, to a place where we have no set home (yet, although we almost have a place), no job, no surety of attending school, and nothing familiar to me. This move will be amazing. I'm just wanting things to have a more certain outcome. Humans have this natural inkling to dislike change, and I'm disliking it right now. Never before have I felt so vulnerable. Never before have I been so scared, and yet never before have I been so certain that everything will turn out okay.. in fact, this may be the best thing that happens to us.

Usually I'm able to remain fairly composed and collected. Right now, I'm not. I'm definitely freaking out.

Sigh. This is definitely a twist in the story. A plot twist and I'm scared as hell.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.. gah.

Just gotta keep telling myself that.

Motivation blah.

How do people run and do things when they have no motivation? I know that I can if it's at the very last second with things, but with not having a deadline it's hard. Motivation to clean the house.. and get this university application in are slightly failing. Although, I am starting to read an awesome book.

I also haven't had motivation to write in here, surprise!

One day I will laugh at all this.

Life has been interesting as of late. I've been so very, very stressed with everything that life has had to offer. My phone broke and is now out of commission. What do I do? I feel like laughing. After everything that's happening lately, I feel like laughing. Why? Because I have the keys to make my future great, and I'm starting to get used to things not going to according to plan. I'm learning to love my life despite these facts, or there's no use crying over spilled milk. Although this is starting to seem more like a bomb exploding in our shower stall. I imagine that wouldn't be very comfortable, and I don't generally cry over spilled milk. Luckily it's a bomb exploding in our shower stall... so it's worth crying about, but even better, I'm laughing about it. One day my love and I will have everything our hearts desire and so much more. Luckily right now, part of what we desire is each other.

Give me a break.

I think I just kind of feel shocked.. and more or less dead. Everything I've been wanting seems to have been crumbling around me. How do I handle it? 


There's this screen, it'd be blank if it wasn't for electricity. All that can be done is to check back and forth. People I wish to hear from, people to help me to run from this pain. I click back and forth, reading and re-reading messages. I don't know what I'm waiting for.. I suppose I'm waiting for life to happen. Even though I realize that life won't happen unless if I make it happen.


While I'm sitting there clicking back and forth, there is a man. A man who has sacrificed everything for my happiness. A man who is so dear to my heart. The person whom more than anything else in this world, I want to spend time with. I want to savor every second with him. But I'm being sucked away by addiction.. watching him break-down, and watching me distance my heart from him.


Then I notice a change in me. He is everything I've ever dreamed of plus so much more. This screen, this one which seems to suck my life away, this screen is not as worthwhile as him. My addictions have been there for me to cling onto my whole life, but my wonderful R has been able to separate me from the prison that has been my life. 


I still feel empty, I feel humbled, I feel broken. I haven't been able to do what I want with my life. I haven't been able to become a raw foodist because right now I'm honestly just trying to get food enough to survive. I still don't know what's wrong with my health. I can't work, I'm worried for school to begin.. just sigh. 


It's only this man, this wonderful man who seems to have been able to hold me together. I realize that the keys on this keyboard cannot give me as much as he can. This blank screen that has electricity is not as important as my time with him. There is a world, a world of learning, a universe to embrace, and a lover to love. Time is more precious than the most amounts of gold. A world can be changed with a peaceful word. Hearts can be changed by a single song, and souls can be changed with the sound of a heartbeat willing to intertwine with one's own. There is a power, a force more powerful than our fear of the unknown, and it is one of the hardest things to know. This is the power of love. 

Stressed.

It's a rare occasion when I feel like this.. but.. help? I wish I was better so I could work. I love my R, but I hate that he basically has to look after me. Everything else is just fine and dandy.. but stress... I wish I took it better. It's been so bad since school ended. I wish I could get out of here even if it was just for the weekend. Or maybe I should read a book.

QUICK UPDATE!

Kotarah is... happy! Truly, really, honestly happy. So much that I feel like bursting? What has caused this? 

If you answered the greatest love ever told, you're correct. You know that look in your face when you love someone, truly? I never thought I would discover anything this strong. He's my soulmate, my penguin, the love of my life. He's patient with me, he's fun to be with, so smart and loving! Undoubtedly the best thing that's every happened to me before, ever. He's my best friend, my lover and my hope for an awesome future! I feel like I'm living my dream.. and I know this dream will last forever.

Epiphany!

Anyone else agree that the shower is the best place for inspiration? That has hardly any relevance to my epiphany, but I'm basically jumping up and down for joy!

Call me crazy, but I believe human's natural state of being is happiness. Have you ever noticed that when things are going extremely wrong that they always turn out? Even if you look for a job for months you end up finding one? There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, some sort of every day miracle, that nobody seems to look for anymore. In so many ways we've forgotten how to live, how to live right.

We're meant to be happy. It's the whole purpose of life!

This idea excites me more than any other epiphany I've ever had! EVER!

Grounded

This title could have two meanings. I should really ground myself from facebook, or from youtube. It wastes so much of my life! In this particular instance, I believe I'm referring to the grounding of our society. The government.

This video provoked my thoughts that I have currently. This video is talking about the US Constitution. Although I believe that it's initial premiss was a good idea at the time, I don't believe it would work. Not in what feels right within my system, anyway.

It's stating equality amongst human beings, but it's also discussing further implementing ideas of God, and thus religion. Religious or not, I would disagree with this mindset... Religion would not help a country to get better. This society is far too diverse for that.

Take homosexuals. Although, I, personally cannot fathom as to why someone would naturally be attracted to someone of the same gender, I can also not fathom as to why someone would choose to live that sort of lifestyle, unless if they actually were attracted to the same gender. If this is the case.. then shouldn't they be allowed to love each other as they wish? Isn't it technically the same as freedom of speech, or any of the other values we're supposed to have? No, I'm not promoting homosexual. Most of my beliefs have to do with peace, love, and allowing people to live their own lives...

Another issue with this type of institution would obviously be for the people who do not believe in God. In this type of Institution they would probably have to follow through with laws that they don't believe in. As people have their agency, this would be unfair.

The fewer laws we have the better it would be. The problem with laws is that people naturally feel a need to rebel. So when more and more laws are created.. there are more and more crimes committed, and created. People should be able to more or less govern themselves. However the society has more or less deteoriated..

This is going to sound like a pointless entry. After all this, I'm not sure what would be the perfect society. All I know is that it would be best not to have it completely indoctrinated from religion. People should all have their freedom.

This inspired me

I don't usually do this.. but I'm going to post an article I read today. I think it speaks for itself.

Full Effort is Full Victory
by Eknath Eswaran

Gandhi wanted so deeply to help the world that he dedicated his life to siphoning every trace of self-interest out of his heart and mind, leaving them pure, radiantly healthy, and free to love. It took him nearly twenty years to gain such control of his thinking process, but with every day of demanding effort he discovered a little more of the deep resources that are within us all: unassuming leadership, eloquence, and an endless capacity for selfless service.

When he was in South Africa, Gandhi sometimes would walk fifty miles a day and sleep only a few hours a night. Even into his seventies he wrote hundreds of letters every week; when his right hand got tired, he learned to write with his left. Once, while he was writing a letter, the lantern failed. Most of us would have quit and gone to bed, but Gandhi, aware of how much his reply meant to those who had written him, went outside and finished his correspondence by moonlight. That kind of drive gives a glimpse of the wellspring of vitality he tapped every day. If we were asked to live like this, we would say, "Impossible!" Gandhi would object, "Oh, no. It is possible, when your mind is flooded with love for all."

 

Late in Gandhi's life a Western journalist asked, "Mr. Gandhi, you've been working fifteen hours a day for fifty years. Don't you ever feel like taking a few weeks off and going for a vacation?" Gandhi laughed and said, "Why? I am always on vacation." Because he had no personal irons in the fire, no selfish concerns involved in his work, there was no conflict in his mind to drain his energy. He had just one overwhelming desire -- an ambition that, like a bonfire, had consumed all his passion. This world-famous figure, who could have been prime minister of India and one of the wealthiest men in Asia, declared he had no interest in becoming rich or famous. He wanted something far greater, he said: to become zero, to place all his talents, resources, time, and energy in a trust for the world.

 

"Full effort is full victory," said Gandhi. You need not be troubled if you have made mistakes, or if your ideal has slipped away. Just continue to give your best. If you fall, pick yourself up and march on. If you cannot run, walk. If you cannot walk, crawl. Nothing in life is more joyful or more thrilling. The effort alone brings a continuing wave of joy in which every personal problem, every suffering and humiliation, is forgotten.

 

--Eknath Eswaran

Poop on the sweater

You are reading the heading right.. there was, very definitely poop on my sweater. Now this sweater does have a bit of a history, and only a bit of one. I was dating a guy in September, and my mom bought him a sweater for Christmas. Well, we didn't last till Christmas. With all the emotional garb that this relationship produced, I long ago swore that I would burn the sweater, for I have enough reminders of him.

Gradually I grew to be comfortable with the idea of wearing the sweater. I suppose in some ways it made me feel like I was in some way close to him. (I feel so creepy in saying things like this, but let's face facts, the relationship itself was creepy). Never before has anyone affected me in the same way that he has, and that's not necessarily a good thing.

I didn't sleep for almost four days when he dumped me. He did make me believe it was all my fault, even though my friends noticed that I was being emotionally abused (without saying anything, mind you.. *sigh*) I discovered that the worst part about the relationship ending, was the fact that everything seemed to remind me of him. Now I was finding something that purposely reminded me of him? Oh dear.

But.. my cat pooped on the sweater. The sweater which helped me to retain whatever memory of him that I once had. In some ways, I feel like it's one of the last stages I had to go through, as cheezy as this all sounds. I hated having him hang over my head all the time. I knew that he wasn't any good for me and yet I tried to do it...

Now, I have the love of my light, and I no longer have a sweater to fully keep me from loving him.

There seems to be a lot of new beginnings in my journey right now.

The Most Powerful Force

For years, I have been dead to the world. Crawling inside space, so familiar, almost comforting. It's easy to believe lies, when you've grown up on them since childhood. it's a comfortable place to be, and an easy way to not take responsibility. It's captivating, liberating, and you barely realize that your life is being cheated.. but it is. By the time I realized that I had been cheated, in many ways I had to learn it the hard way.

I am mainly referencing my health, and love. In many ways I didn't learn how to love, or how to be healthy. Both of which I believe are essential things to learn...

In regards to health, I was taught that I was big boned. I believe that there are actually very few instances where this are the case. There are some people who are actually bigger built, and look good that way, but I find that in most cases (my families specifically) that it's an excuse to not take care of yourself. My grandma just had a heart attack. My mom was on the verge of diabetes. My sister is also sick, and I am starting to be VERY sick. It's getting to a point where I have to decide if I want to live the rest of my life easily, or in a hard way. It's basically a choice of real living, or going back to being more or less dead and oblivious.

In regards to health, I was taught that my way of eating was more than satisfactory. Living on a diet of pasta, way more meat than necessary, potatoes, barely any fruit or vegetables... yes, I'm sure you can imagine what the outcome has been.

Not only was I more or less lied to about what healthy was, there was also plenty of lies about mental health and love. Depression is okay. My sister was declared as clinically angry. (I got more than angry at this doctor, because then it gave her an annoying unreasonable excuse to yell at me whenever she liked, even if I did nothing). I never knew that happiness was a choice. That it was okay to speak up, to have opinions, and whatever opinions I did have.. I had to fight for them, and fight for them hard.

Love was a game. It was more of a contest than anything. In order to show that I appreciated anything, anything at all, I would have to thank my mother or my grandmother until my face turned purple, and even then.. to everyone else they told, I still didn't appreciate a thing they did. I gave suggestions of how to better relationships, and yet still I was attacking them... I didn't appreciate them... when really all I was trying to do was understand them...

Love was a game. We didn't really talk to each other unless if we were using the person as a means to an end. Nobody could settle for some sort of happiness, if it wasn't for their benefit. It was very much a 'what am I getting' type household. If you're not getting anything, then there is essentially no purpose for the person. People are meant to be seen, to be socially accepted, individuality stripped. This is why I went dead... because this was perfectly normal in the place that should've been my safehaven, but it was honestly more like a hell.

Now, you may be wondering why I shared this personal information with you. I got deeper than most would about this type of subject matter. I am here to tell you that the shift within me is now happening at a steadier pace than even I thought. I'm starting to remember the things that I've learned, the things that I laid away in my memory when I was dead, and I want to share the beauty of my knowledge with you.

I know how to be healthy. I love herbs, and raw veganism. Now if you think that raw veganism is boring, I can promise you it isn't. Raw veganism often looks like this:

Honestly, I wish I had known about raw vegan when I had become vegan. Honestly, you feel so much better and have so many more options. My goal is, that by the end of this month I will be at least halfway raw, but completely vegan. Yes, there does have to be a lot of research done to make sure that you're getting in enough nutrients, but honestly, isn't that the same with any diet?

Herbs in many ways have saved me. When I became vegan, and downed a bunch of cayenne pepper, I got rid of my asthma completely. I felt better than I ever have. More valuable than anything, is that the knowledge that I have gained.

I went to the gym every day, for nearly three hours a day. I would do kick-boxing, yoga, dance... and I would work-out.

I began to be very knowledgeable in what sorts of exercises to do for what part of the body you need doing. The only problem with the way I was doing things.. was that I ended up losing track. I ended up.. giving up. I was SO CLOSE. I only had about another 40 pounds to lose, and I would've looked amazing. Not only that but it probably would've been fairly easy to maintain... but now, I have the motivation. I'm not going to let this happen again, because I'm going to take the steps to make this a permanent lifetime choice. 

First thing I've been doing to take a step in the right direction. I have been reading 'The Law of Attraction" which is a novel by Esther and Jerry Hicks who were said to meet with an entity called Abraham. Although the idea of meeting with an entity might not always appeal to people, their ideas are fantastic. I've been listening to some stuff from them online. In regard to health this one is particularly fantastic. I loved it, and I hope you will too. So now, I've created some ideas of who I want to be and what I want to look like, and this is more or less what I've come up with.

I do not think I'm aiming to high, I've been analyzing my structure and I believe that this is attainable. Although, the second girls stomache is more muscular than I want it to be. I want more of a dancers stomach, like Jessica Alba, Britney Spears, or Christina Aguilera (if you get rid of the associations, they still have great bodies). 

Abraham-hicks teachings have truly been a blessing in my life. They make sense, considering that if you send out a vibration to the universe, then in return you should get precisely what you asked for within the vibration. Here's a cute sign I found in regard to fitness:

I want to be able to do two things sometime within the near future: 

---------------------------------------------------------------

Now, onto the real meaning of this blog. 

Love

This is the most powerful force. I came to a realization today, and that is most precious of all. I have finally, after so many years, learned what it is like to love. No longer do I have so much of a fear of what I can lose from those I love, but what I can gain. As you can imagine, this came from my most amazing man found in R. We've been able to have the kind of conversations lately which most would not be able to have, and it was perfectly comfortable. 

Today was scary. I went back to feeling like a child, for there was confusion within our relationship. After having lived such a life of non-communicate relationships, it's been hard to even know that my thoughts matter to this marvelous man. But it was in him today, that I saw a beauty unlike anything I've ever seen.. and I felt more than I ever thought I could imagine, for I love him more than I've ever loved anything. 

It was starting to baffle me. For this love was something that felt so magical that I felt like I no longer knew what reality was. But I'm learning that reality doesn't always have to be harsh, relationships not always for some kind of personal gain, just for love.  I'm learning to believe his words, his kind words to me, and that he doesn't intentionally hurt me ever. Our love is something unlike anything I could've imagined. 

I've also realized it's impossible to lie in love. The tears that come down the face, the shakiness of worrying about that person disappearing from your life forever, it just all begins to mean so much more. 

I suppose this is the sort of thing I've been dreaming of my whole life, and it really has changed me. Now all of a sudden all of the goals which I thought weren't possible, are. All the things I've wanted in my life, I can now have. When it comes to love, in a lot of ways I want to write so much, but it's so hard to write, for it's unexpressed. It feels silly to have been so worried, so hard on him for loving me, for not even believing that he could love me... now it feels silly! 

But today changed me, it really did. I realized that love is the healing factor. Love is the hardest thing to do, but the most worthwhile. Love and health combine into one, to create one beautiful entity. A bond that's unbreakable through the sands of time... 

.. and you know, I'm finally okay with it. I'm okay with letting someone in, letting them love me fully. For this is the life I've only ever been able to dream, and the dream just keeps getting better. 

Meant to inspire... (from my sparkpeople blog)

I knew that making my life different, that any point in life when there is major change is hard, I just didn't realize it would be this hard. I welcome the transition, and it naturally has to happen, I just wish it didn't have to reach a point where I HAVE to. 

The reality of things right now, however, is that I just had an attack. An attack which scared me so much, that I realize that if things continue down the road they're going I will be dead sooner than I would like. I started choking, nearly vomiting, I was downing water to try and stop, but the strange part is that the choking wasn't conducted by anything really. I wasn't dehydrated, I wasn't trying to eat anything, I was just sitting and talking. I realized that if the attack had gone on any longer, I probably wouldn't have been able to breath very, very soon. Afterward it felt as though my body was on fire. It's hard to describe, but all I know is that it was scary, and horrible. 

I feel like... I failed. When I was sixteen, I went vegan, lost lots of weight, and felt more free than ever before. Ever since then I've been promising myself that I would go back, but again and again succumbing to addiction. I just feel like this big wad of addiction, and that nothing can really help me, but if that's the type of attitude I have, then that's exactly what I'm going to get! 

The problem is, that I know who I am. I'm smart, I'm driven, I love to learn new things, meet new people, and try to become everything I can be.. but over the past few years, I really haven't been trying. People have told me I'm meant to be an inspiration. I'm musical, kind, and know what I want. 

However, the powers of addiction have amazing control over a human body. There are habits which I just can't seem to kick. This is embarrassing to admit. I've never thought of myself as an addict, but I am. I'm addicted to food that's terrible for me, I'm addicted to negative thought and pushing myself away from people. I'm addicted to not reaching my potential, because that leaves me comfortably struggling, just the same as my family has their whole life. I'm addicted to say "It'll happen tomorrow", only to have tomorrow come a little too late. 

I think one of my all-time biggest fears is being average. To die not reaching my potential. The issue is that I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT THAT IS! At the same time, I can't just become a new person unless if I choose too.. but right now.. I choose life, so I'm choosing you. 

It's my choice: 

I AM a smart woman 
I AM fit 
I AM taking value in my life 
I AM academically amazing 
I AM a songwriter 
I AM BEAUTIFUL! 
I AM a loving person 
I AM strong 
I AM ambitious 
I AM creative 
I HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE! 

This is more important than that cupcake which looks so good. This is more important than being right... this is my life, which I wish to live free. Now, just to make a logical plan to make this happen... Even if that means just choosing positivity, and to leave my old life behind.. 

IT'S HAPPENING!

I am the evil.

If you're confused about my subject heading, you're probably about as confused as I am. You know that discussion I talked about last post? Yeah.. well a woman started personally attacking me in it. She compared me to a man named Korihor. Yes.. it's so bizarre in my mind. Who knows? Maybe you agree with it. I find it bizarre.

Korihor was an Anti-Christ (apparently) who tried to lead people away from Christ. I can think of so many differences between him and I... but, yes, like him, I want proof that there is a God. Not a feeling, real proof. Everyone else looks for a sign too. When you pray to know if a religion is true or not, isn't that what you do as well? That's what I thought. You pray for a sign that you'll know if that religion is true. Is it really so different from me?

It's just interesting. I never thought I would have somebody accusing me of being like a person I thought was evil when I was a kid, and now that I am... I'm slightly speechless and baffled. Kind of find it amusing all at the same time.

Just, wow.. what an accusation! Guess what? I'm an Anti-Christ! Really? No.. I stand for love. End of story.

Excuse me while I go catch my breath...

Provoked a long status.

My friend posted how this ladies opinion was similar to her own:

Ex-Mormon story

What people don't realize about this particular series, is that it's not necessarily mean to attack. In the Mormon religion it tells you to spread what you know to be truth using things such as the internet. I think it's only fair that if you discover that you don't believe that it's true, that you should be allowed to state your opinion as well. If you have the same opinions as these people, you want to help people from deceit. Besides, look at how many mormonads are on the internet.. I believe, personally, that it's only fair... that these people state their opinions as well...

I find it interesting now, having the opposite view than I used to. They talked about how this lady must have found anti-mormon literature, when yet it states that she first looked at Mormon literature. Often what people find to be anti-mormon literature... can even be original, untainted church documents. Did you know that the Book of Mormon has been revised in over 4, 000 different places?

I must admit I am rather scared in posting this. I get scared every time posting a post like this. Do you know how annoying it is to hear that people think that you're possessed by Satan just because your opinion changed? Do you know how annoying it is for other people to see you as a threat, or even dangerous? To hear that I lost potential, apparently, because I left a religion? My intention is not to attack the church even. It's just to give it another perspective.

One of the ladies who was commenting back and forth with me on this told me that I should take a look at the opposite end of things. That I should research what the church's viewpoint is. I found this funny, because I was  Mormon for twenty years. Not only that, but I soaked in every piece of Mormon literature that I could. I knew that religion quite well, for someone within my community, or even someone who believes in a religion. I wanted to make sure that I knew what I believed. It was when I discovered that the church was no longer sitting right with me, that I had to leave. I knew that I would lose people, that people would view me differently, but I didn't care. Truth mattered more.Anyway, I've already discussed this aspect lots. Here is the status that this line of thought provoked

Kotarah Soleil believes that people are meant to have opinions. This is what so many people have fought for within our country, for people to be able to express their opinions. It saddens me when I see that a person is condemned for expressing that opinion, just because it's different from either one they had previous and changed, or one that's different from another's. Isn't this, in many ways, wrong? After all, aren't intellectual people allowed to disagree? It's beautiful to see, for what other purpose is there to life if not to question everything? Expressing one's viewpoints can help both people. It can help the two parties to question. Isn't there wisdom in questioning? Isn't that the only way to gain wisdom? Even at the end of the day if you are wrong, at least you had the experience. At least you learned something. You will also have created a bond with that person, if you allow it, if you don't block them out and really listen. For underneath it all.. you will see they are the same. They just want their voice to be heard too. They've seen things which show their opinion as well. Knowledge is a justified, true, belief. It's often getting to that point that can be difficult. Once you do, that justified, true, belief can be different from someone else. Look at the way this world works. So many different paths for different people. Yet, they usually end up being beautiful. Isn't that all that really matters? What are you going to remember in the years to come? That you disagreed with someone and left them? Or that you were able to reach an understanding for many.. and learn love... ? That you were able to fill your brain with so much information, that you can't help but smile, because you question everything. Nothing is boring, because there's always something new to learn and someone new to love.

What bothers me is that most people are so busy mocking another person's viewpoint, that they forget that the person is just the same as them. The mormonads on youtube, and the exmormon videos on youtube have essentially the same purpose, just done in a different way.

Here are the similarities:

• They are both testimonies
• They show a person's journey, and tell their story
• They are done by people who believe they have found a truth
• They both speak of life changing experience 

Differences:

• exmormon videos speak of loss. When you think about it, it makes sense that it's done the way that it is. When you have to change your ENTIRE core, you're naturally going to go through anger, depression, etc. 
• Mormonads are done by an official (very well organized) organization, exmormon's are never exactly the same. Some become atheist, Christian, Agnostic, etc. 
• Mormonads are done by an entire organization, whereas exmormon videos are done only by one man I believe?
• exmormon videos are more contraversal. They speak of topics that aren't always light. 

What I don't understand, though, is why people find it such a big deal. I would probably be smacked by some people for saying that.. but really? What is the point of the continual fight? Especially for a religion which is supposed to promote living peacefully, to see that the people can't follow through with that? Wouldn't that make you question to? People say that people aren't the religion, but to some extent they are. Every religion is founded by people, so if not by the people then what else is there? People are generally the best indication of the moral value behind an organization. Words can be done by anyone, it's action that takes a certain different kind of person. Tell me you believe in Christ, great. I want to see that you won't judge me, and will allow Christ to judge me instead. I want to see what you know. I want to see you be able to talk to a person without trying to convert them, if they don't want to be converted. I want you to see people as people. I want you to love them for who they are, for that is what you're taught. I figure this is common sense, but as someone said, common sense isn't so common anymore. Yes, if you talk to someone who's left a religion there is a chance that their opinions might get you to question their beliefs. Big deal. We question things all the time anyway. Would you rather bury your head under the sand and remain ignorant? For as I once said, Ignorance is NOT bliss. 

Again, I'm not trying to condemn, but I just don't understand. Why can't we allow people to have their own views? Why can't we allow them to EXPRESS them? Otherwise everything our forefathers did, was a waste. A complete waste. They wanted love, unity, equality, and I'm sure for people to be really educated. It's things like this which start wars, which cause conflict. All of us naturally get defensive about the things that we believe, but.. I want to dare you to try something. I want to dare you to try and lower your defense, to try to learn something. Talk to someone you disagree with, and even if you end up still believing your right after really listening to their opinion... they're going to notice the difference. They're going to notice that they were heard, that they are a person, and that there is a potential that you might care about something other than your own ego. 

By the way, here's an awesome song.

lovely song

PS Sorry if this is disjointed. I blame emotion.

Number 1

I've had a fantastic day. Got together with one of my best friends ever, and discussed things which were important, which got me to thinking about all the many awesome things in life. I indeed am very lucky. Currently I feel lucky for:

My knowledge on raw food and herbs. So many people focus in on health. I believe I've found something so beautiful and wonderful, that feels great under almost any circumstance and tastes GREAT! I feel happy. How could I not be? I am happy. Knowing how to make it naturally just eases a lot of things in life, and it's going to be even better when I can go raw.

Thomas Jefferson Education. To be truly educated in a safe environment where you're taught how to truly live. To breath real education, to live it so that you can be a complete person.

Now to get around to the real reason for this post. I want to talk about one of the most inspirational people I've ever met. His name, is Miles. This man is one of the people that you will never EVER forget! He's got a very energetic personality, and is truly an inspiration. This man researches, and then when he finds a truth, he shares it with the WHOLE world! He's not afraid to share something which he believes in. This man is so full of knowledge, so playful, so youthful... just wow. Creative genius, this man's going places.

This person inspires me to be the best I can be. To see through trials, and live life fully. He is one of the best people I've ever met.

...and I miss him. I guess he'll just be that inspiration forever. A role model, a friend, and just a down to earth person.

Gutter Trap

My wavering optimism I believe is starting to lean toward hopelessness.. or the feeling thereof. Does anybody really intend for that sort of thing to happen? No. Does it happen though? It most certainly does, and it is happening to me now.

It could be the fact that our house is a rest, that I feel as though I've barely spent any quality time with R and yet I LIVE with him, it could be the fact that I haven't felt motivation to study, and yet I need to do so in order to keep my grades up..

Bah.

It could also be the fact that I am in a relationship. The best relationship I've ever been in, and I'm not happy. Not unhappy because of him. To be honest, he's the only thing keeping me sane, but I'm still obviously not happy, and haven't been for a long time. It bothers me because it reminds me of my ex who told me that I was a hard girl to please. I'm not hard to please when I'm being myself... and also, when I'm not in an emotional abusive relationship...

Maybe some of the frustrating part is, the fact that my partner seems to have an amazing connection with the universe. Things seem to work out for him. He really is the best teacher and mentor. I'm jealous of people, I say 'can't' before I even try. I succumb to opinions which aren't actually me... and he doesn't. He just rolls through this life in the most pleasant way possible. I have the tools for this too, so why isn't it happening!?!?!?!

It's hard to motivate me to do anything right now. I feel like a puppy in a lot of ways. I can't do something unless if someone is there to push me along. THIS HAS TO STOP, and I know it.. This is decently dangerous. I have no motivation unless if someone's doing it with me. I'm not a puppy, I'm not a child.

Speaking of child.. I notice I have a child-like tendency. I expect things to be around me, and if they change or go away, I freak out. It's supposed to be there.. it's always just supposed to be there.. it's not supposed to leave. I feel like I have unnatural reactions to things leaving, to things ending. I can visit someone for three days, or only know them for three days, have them go away and I'm bawling like a baby. When things don't go according to plan, or things change, I freak out. I also prefer to stick to my own schedule. When I arrange to hang out with someone, I almost always cancel. The terrible thing about this is that every time I go out, and do these things with the people.. I enjoy myself, I find purpose within life.

Hum bug.

I'm so motivationless. That's not even a word. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling frustrated, hurt and like I've failed. I essentially almost feel like a waste of space.

The answer is simple right? I just change my attitudes and behaviours so that my life is more enjoyable... I hate using excuses, but I really do have an abnormal fear of change. I will cling to the thing that's there like my life depends on it, even though I know that it's a slow form of suicide. I just WON'T let go of things. It's SO hard for me to get over anything. Especially when it comes to people. Or bad habits I have.

R seems to have this messed up perception of me. He thinks that I'm a person who has a huge drive, and in some ways I do.. but then I always give up. I always give up usually right before the time when it's actually going to make a difference. It's like an addiction, every single time. there's a particular high that I get from it. At the end of the day I'm the one who's right. I couldn't do it just like I thought I couldn't.. but at the same time..

I'M SO JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO ACCOMPLISH THINGS! When I could just as easily be the person who accomplishes things.

Why am I ranting right now? I have a test. I have a test at 8:30 in the morning. It's with my favourite instructor. I feel like in a lot of ways I failed him, because I didn't do as well as I could've this semester. It's for reasons like right now. I'm not going to get the right amount of sleep that I need to do as well on the test as I would like. Go to sleep? Ha... ha... I wish. My head just keeps running.. and running.. and running.

Computers almost destroyed. Camera's destroyed. House looks messy. = My head's a mess!

As human beings I think we're never satisfied. If you qualify this as an excuse, maybe this is. I'm seemingly never satisfied. There. I said it. I'm not satisfied, alright? I was raised in an environment where I was told to settle for mediocre, but my soul doesn't want it. I want something high. I want to have lived for a purpose...


...and this is my gutter trap...

Perhaps I needed to admit something was wrong.

*le sigh*

Revival

Only one person knows this, but I have felt very dead the past little while. I've been swallowed up in negativity. Getting down because I can't seem to figure myself out. I've got some plans to get out of this.

• EXERCISE! DANCE!!!!
• I want to make it a goal to do one creative thing per day
• SINGING! Such a high... really
• telling my lover that I love him every day. Doing something special for him would be awesome.
• reach my dreams, and achieve them.

Today really has been quite inspirational for me. 

So.. ready.. SET... GO! 

The New Divide

I believe that there has been something dividing us, and I believe that people don't want to admit that this has gone on. It's caused wars, divisions within families, judgments on people we first meet.. and yet it consumes us. In a lot of ways, it causes us to forget life here. In my opinion, it infects.

Oliver DeMille says to admit that there's something higher than ourselves (Thomas Jefferson Education), and I do believe in a lot of ways that's important. Having a sense of spirituality tends to hold a kind of balance in life. However...

It's gotten to an extreme point. You could case argue for religion, you could definitely argue against religion. Why do people want to get up in each other's faces over something *eeeh* kind of minimal? Maybe God's important, maybe he's not, but should it really interfere with the way that you interact with people?

The fact is that no. It doesn't. I've heard some people say that the world would be a better place if the world was (undisclosed) religion. Then certain things wouldn't happen, because there would be nothing but good people.. right?

TERRIBLE ARGUMENT!

There are good and bad people within every religion. In fact, there's good and bad within every religion. It bothers me when people try to ignore the things which just aren't good there. You're trying to convince me something is true, and yet your'e not willing to admit that the people within your religion made mistakes as well?

Umm.. how about not? As humans, we're naturally imperfect. We naturally have instincts within us that are.. kind of dangerous. We also have good within us, but that's besides the point.

This is a New Divide, and I believe in some ways it's getting worse. Lots of people are deciding for religion, and even more against. You have your choice. Wither you're for religion or not.. it doesn't really matter. The point of this entry is to point out the ridiculousness of doing things like

a) Disowning your family over religion: family is supposed to be there for you no matter what. Wither you leave, or wither you convert into a new religion, I believe that family should be there every step of the way.

b) Ending friendship over religion: basically same reasoning as the last one. I know you feel you have some kind of right, but are you sheltering yourself and proving that you really love the person? No, you're not. You're showing that in some way or another, you can't be the accept the change they're trying to make.

c) If someone leaves (or joins) don't bug them: Don't consistently tell them that they made the wrong choice, don't do things out of boosting your own ego... As far as I'm aware they're still the same person, the same friend that you had all along. Chances are they know what decision is best for them. They may come back, they may leave their specified religion, but what should that have to do with associating with them? The more you push, guaranteed, they will pull. They don't want it rubbed in their faces every single time that they could be so much happier one way or another, they don't want want to be bugged about activities that are happening or aren't... they just want to live and be allowed to do what they want, just like everyone else.

d) Try understanding the emotional transition they're going to go through: Often religion is a part of our central core, a huge piece of life, so shifting it in one direction or another can be very emotionally straining. It's easy to say 'just move on' but the fact of the matter is, that if they don't deal with those feelings, there will be a lot of emotional harm done. It's better that they deal immediately and become happy with whatever they decision they make (and if they choose to go back to their old way, that's okay too) than them never get over it, constantly having feelings of regret, anger or hurt because they didn't fully transition in their core.

There are many other things to consider, but I believe these to be the important things. Call me bias, but I recognized this problem even when I was religious. We now fail to see people as people, and all we can see is the label, when really the label is such a small part of who we are. All of us have hidden talents, and amazing things to offer this world. I really think that we should stop having silly things like this get in the way of having a full life experience. Let's live life for life... for that is the only thing worth living for. And, let's do it together. Let's stop fighting each other, start humbling ourselves, and start the generation of peace.

One can be hopeful, right?

Stand for something, or you'll fall for anything.

Now I'm hitting one of the major issues with me having left my old religion. In a lot of ways, I did believe what I actually did back then, but in a way, it was to go along with the majority. It's easy to agree with the majority of people, when the majority of the people are part of that particular religion. I HATE disagreeing with people. Often because I can see exactly where they're coming from, so I feel it's not my place..

However, sometimes this is a dangerous trait. There have been plenty of psychology experiments done revolving around this idea. What we would do if an authority told us to do something? Generally we follow it. Especially if it's for something like a job, even if we completely disagree with it. Adolf Eichmann was this way. He aided in the killing of lots of jews. Adolph Hitler would give him his idea, and he would carry it out. There was a radio show host who interviewed him. I'm not sure what he was expecting, but he wasn't expecting what he got. He got an amazingly kind, grandpa type figure. When he asked why he did what he did, he said simply "It was a job I had."

Yes, I would consider this to be a jaw-dropping situation. People go 'how could he do that?' but yet psychology experiments have proved that every one of us can have this happen to us. Although my situation isn't so extreme as this, I believe it to be kind of horrible. I can't seem to separate myself from my religious mindset, which is what I want more than anything.

*sigh* I'll probably be posting more today.


this amazing song

In the same environment

I realize my thoughts are along the same line lately. Today has probably been one of the most emotive days I've had. Really. At least within the past little while. The explosion of emotion has been amazing. I came to one conclusion.

I need to learn how to change within the same environment. I don't need to leave my friends, leave this city, or leave at all, except to leave behind my habits. Leaving everything else will only cause pain.

So somehow, now the plan is to do the things I need to do within the same environment.

To be continued. Time for sleep.

Le sigh.

It's the way he moves which causes me to shake. It's his presence which causes my heart to pound, faster and faster for I have found my reason.. my reason to continue being here. I can't leave his side, for in a lot of ways, he saved me. Brought my soul back to life. Helped me to recover from every horrible thing that's happened in my life. It's not every day that the love grows stronger.. it's every second. Every moment. The last thing I want is to hurt him, but I fear that - that is what I do. I become frightened, but seeing your face the way it was.. it hurts me. I can't bare to think about how you looked, when you became so scared, like a boy. As I draw myself away from you, and all you want is to give me the kind of love I've always wanted. I wish I could free myself. I wish I could wake into a new dawn where I could have this figured out. I wish I didn't feel trapped, or so selfish, for I feel selfishly in love with you. Every touch, every action, and I can't help but shift you away from me. You've imprinted on my heart, on my soul, so why can't I just let these things go? Every touch, every action shows you love me. 


When I was a young girl dreaming of that man who would take me away into some new land, some place so far away, I couldn't even have imagined that it would've been as good as it is with you. I wish I could see what you see in me, for in you I see the world. I see a sunshine, a light that I can't compare to. You laugh when I saw I'm unworthy and yet every part of me feels it. Every part aches for wanting something better for you. Someone who can truly appreciate who you are.. but yet, I want to be the only one you'll ever be with. It's an understatement when I say I'm the luckiest girl alive, for I have you. So when I was that young girl, I dreamt, and you were the first thing to tell me that dreams can come into reality.


Now that I am a woman, I find myself sad. Not because I don't love you, but because I wish I could appreciate every inch of you the way that I should. I have never known such kindness, such love, and yet my natural response is simply to push away. I feel lost, and I feel alone.. and I have you by my side whenever I need it. You could complete me, but I need to become whole first. 


You complete me. You're the only one I want to be with. The world seems to explode into colour when I"m with you. It's easy to forget, to run away. However, if I ran away now.. I know that I would regret it. I know that I would regret not taking a chance on the greatest love I could've known. This is what you've been trying to tell me, but I have not listened. You still say it through every touch, through every kiss. You try to make me see.. that we're all we'll ever need. On the darkest shade of gray, you bring in the oranges, reds and yellows. You light up my life in a way which I never thought possible. 


R, my lover, I'll walk with you forever.