QUICK UPDATE!

Kotarah is... happy! Truly, really, honestly happy. So much that I feel like bursting? What has caused this? 

If you answered the greatest love ever told, you're correct. You know that look in your face when you love someone, truly? I never thought I would discover anything this strong. He's my soulmate, my penguin, the love of my life. He's patient with me, he's fun to be with, so smart and loving! Undoubtedly the best thing that's every happened to me before, ever. He's my best friend, my lover and my hope for an awesome future! I feel like I'm living my dream.. and I know this dream will last forever.

Epiphany!

Anyone else agree that the shower is the best place for inspiration? That has hardly any relevance to my epiphany, but I'm basically jumping up and down for joy!

Call me crazy, but I believe human's natural state of being is happiness. Have you ever noticed that when things are going extremely wrong that they always turn out? Even if you look for a job for months you end up finding one? There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, some sort of every day miracle, that nobody seems to look for anymore. In so many ways we've forgotten how to live, how to live right.

We're meant to be happy. It's the whole purpose of life!

This idea excites me more than any other epiphany I've ever had! EVER!

Grounded

This title could have two meanings. I should really ground myself from facebook, or from youtube. It wastes so much of my life! In this particular instance, I believe I'm referring to the grounding of our society. The government.

This video provoked my thoughts that I have currently. This video is talking about the US Constitution. Although I believe that it's initial premiss was a good idea at the time, I don't believe it would work. Not in what feels right within my system, anyway.

It's stating equality amongst human beings, but it's also discussing further implementing ideas of God, and thus religion. Religious or not, I would disagree with this mindset... Religion would not help a country to get better. This society is far too diverse for that.

Take homosexuals. Although, I, personally cannot fathom as to why someone would naturally be attracted to someone of the same gender, I can also not fathom as to why someone would choose to live that sort of lifestyle, unless if they actually were attracted to the same gender. If this is the case.. then shouldn't they be allowed to love each other as they wish? Isn't it technically the same as freedom of speech, or any of the other values we're supposed to have? No, I'm not promoting homosexual. Most of my beliefs have to do with peace, love, and allowing people to live their own lives...

Another issue with this type of institution would obviously be for the people who do not believe in God. In this type of Institution they would probably have to follow through with laws that they don't believe in. As people have their agency, this would be unfair.

The fewer laws we have the better it would be. The problem with laws is that people naturally feel a need to rebel. So when more and more laws are created.. there are more and more crimes committed, and created. People should be able to more or less govern themselves. However the society has more or less deteoriated..

This is going to sound like a pointless entry. After all this, I'm not sure what would be the perfect society. All I know is that it would be best not to have it completely indoctrinated from religion. People should all have their freedom.

This inspired me

I don't usually do this.. but I'm going to post an article I read today. I think it speaks for itself.

Full Effort is Full Victory
by Eknath Eswaran

Gandhi wanted so deeply to help the world that he dedicated his life to siphoning every trace of self-interest out of his heart and mind, leaving them pure, radiantly healthy, and free to love. It took him nearly twenty years to gain such control of his thinking process, but with every day of demanding effort he discovered a little more of the deep resources that are within us all: unassuming leadership, eloquence, and an endless capacity for selfless service.

When he was in South Africa, Gandhi sometimes would walk fifty miles a day and sleep only a few hours a night. Even into his seventies he wrote hundreds of letters every week; when his right hand got tired, he learned to write with his left. Once, while he was writing a letter, the lantern failed. Most of us would have quit and gone to bed, but Gandhi, aware of how much his reply meant to those who had written him, went outside and finished his correspondence by moonlight. That kind of drive gives a glimpse of the wellspring of vitality he tapped every day. If we were asked to live like this, we would say, "Impossible!" Gandhi would object, "Oh, no. It is possible, when your mind is flooded with love for all."

 

Late in Gandhi's life a Western journalist asked, "Mr. Gandhi, you've been working fifteen hours a day for fifty years. Don't you ever feel like taking a few weeks off and going for a vacation?" Gandhi laughed and said, "Why? I am always on vacation." Because he had no personal irons in the fire, no selfish concerns involved in his work, there was no conflict in his mind to drain his energy. He had just one overwhelming desire -- an ambition that, like a bonfire, had consumed all his passion. This world-famous figure, who could have been prime minister of India and one of the wealthiest men in Asia, declared he had no interest in becoming rich or famous. He wanted something far greater, he said: to become zero, to place all his talents, resources, time, and energy in a trust for the world.

 

"Full effort is full victory," said Gandhi. You need not be troubled if you have made mistakes, or if your ideal has slipped away. Just continue to give your best. If you fall, pick yourself up and march on. If you cannot run, walk. If you cannot walk, crawl. Nothing in life is more joyful or more thrilling. The effort alone brings a continuing wave of joy in which every personal problem, every suffering and humiliation, is forgotten.

 

--Eknath Eswaran

Poop on the sweater

You are reading the heading right.. there was, very definitely poop on my sweater. Now this sweater does have a bit of a history, and only a bit of one. I was dating a guy in September, and my mom bought him a sweater for Christmas. Well, we didn't last till Christmas. With all the emotional garb that this relationship produced, I long ago swore that I would burn the sweater, for I have enough reminders of him.

Gradually I grew to be comfortable with the idea of wearing the sweater. I suppose in some ways it made me feel like I was in some way close to him. (I feel so creepy in saying things like this, but let's face facts, the relationship itself was creepy). Never before has anyone affected me in the same way that he has, and that's not necessarily a good thing.

I didn't sleep for almost four days when he dumped me. He did make me believe it was all my fault, even though my friends noticed that I was being emotionally abused (without saying anything, mind you.. *sigh*) I discovered that the worst part about the relationship ending, was the fact that everything seemed to remind me of him. Now I was finding something that purposely reminded me of him? Oh dear.

But.. my cat pooped on the sweater. The sweater which helped me to retain whatever memory of him that I once had. In some ways, I feel like it's one of the last stages I had to go through, as cheezy as this all sounds. I hated having him hang over my head all the time. I knew that he wasn't any good for me and yet I tried to do it...

Now, I have the love of my light, and I no longer have a sweater to fully keep me from loving him.

There seems to be a lot of new beginnings in my journey right now.

The Most Powerful Force

For years, I have been dead to the world. Crawling inside space, so familiar, almost comforting. It's easy to believe lies, when you've grown up on them since childhood. it's a comfortable place to be, and an easy way to not take responsibility. It's captivating, liberating, and you barely realize that your life is being cheated.. but it is. By the time I realized that I had been cheated, in many ways I had to learn it the hard way.

I am mainly referencing my health, and love. In many ways I didn't learn how to love, or how to be healthy. Both of which I believe are essential things to learn...

In regards to health, I was taught that I was big boned. I believe that there are actually very few instances where this are the case. There are some people who are actually bigger built, and look good that way, but I find that in most cases (my families specifically) that it's an excuse to not take care of yourself. My grandma just had a heart attack. My mom was on the verge of diabetes. My sister is also sick, and I am starting to be VERY sick. It's getting to a point where I have to decide if I want to live the rest of my life easily, or in a hard way. It's basically a choice of real living, or going back to being more or less dead and oblivious.

In regards to health, I was taught that my way of eating was more than satisfactory. Living on a diet of pasta, way more meat than necessary, potatoes, barely any fruit or vegetables... yes, I'm sure you can imagine what the outcome has been.

Not only was I more or less lied to about what healthy was, there was also plenty of lies about mental health and love. Depression is okay. My sister was declared as clinically angry. (I got more than angry at this doctor, because then it gave her an annoying unreasonable excuse to yell at me whenever she liked, even if I did nothing). I never knew that happiness was a choice. That it was okay to speak up, to have opinions, and whatever opinions I did have.. I had to fight for them, and fight for them hard.

Love was a game. It was more of a contest than anything. In order to show that I appreciated anything, anything at all, I would have to thank my mother or my grandmother until my face turned purple, and even then.. to everyone else they told, I still didn't appreciate a thing they did. I gave suggestions of how to better relationships, and yet still I was attacking them... I didn't appreciate them... when really all I was trying to do was understand them...

Love was a game. We didn't really talk to each other unless if we were using the person as a means to an end. Nobody could settle for some sort of happiness, if it wasn't for their benefit. It was very much a 'what am I getting' type household. If you're not getting anything, then there is essentially no purpose for the person. People are meant to be seen, to be socially accepted, individuality stripped. This is why I went dead... because this was perfectly normal in the place that should've been my safehaven, but it was honestly more like a hell.

Now, you may be wondering why I shared this personal information with you. I got deeper than most would about this type of subject matter. I am here to tell you that the shift within me is now happening at a steadier pace than even I thought. I'm starting to remember the things that I've learned, the things that I laid away in my memory when I was dead, and I want to share the beauty of my knowledge with you.

I know how to be healthy. I love herbs, and raw veganism. Now if you think that raw veganism is boring, I can promise you it isn't. Raw veganism often looks like this:

Honestly, I wish I had known about raw vegan when I had become vegan. Honestly, you feel so much better and have so many more options. My goal is, that by the end of this month I will be at least halfway raw, but completely vegan. Yes, there does have to be a lot of research done to make sure that you're getting in enough nutrients, but honestly, isn't that the same with any diet?

Herbs in many ways have saved me. When I became vegan, and downed a bunch of cayenne pepper, I got rid of my asthma completely. I felt better than I ever have. More valuable than anything, is that the knowledge that I have gained.

I went to the gym every day, for nearly three hours a day. I would do kick-boxing, yoga, dance... and I would work-out.

I began to be very knowledgeable in what sorts of exercises to do for what part of the body you need doing. The only problem with the way I was doing things.. was that I ended up losing track. I ended up.. giving up. I was SO CLOSE. I only had about another 40 pounds to lose, and I would've looked amazing. Not only that but it probably would've been fairly easy to maintain... but now, I have the motivation. I'm not going to let this happen again, because I'm going to take the steps to make this a permanent lifetime choice. 

First thing I've been doing to take a step in the right direction. I have been reading 'The Law of Attraction" which is a novel by Esther and Jerry Hicks who were said to meet with an entity called Abraham. Although the idea of meeting with an entity might not always appeal to people, their ideas are fantastic. I've been listening to some stuff from them online. In regard to health this one is particularly fantastic. I loved it, and I hope you will too. So now, I've created some ideas of who I want to be and what I want to look like, and this is more or less what I've come up with.

I do not think I'm aiming to high, I've been analyzing my structure and I believe that this is attainable. Although, the second girls stomache is more muscular than I want it to be. I want more of a dancers stomach, like Jessica Alba, Britney Spears, or Christina Aguilera (if you get rid of the associations, they still have great bodies). 

Abraham-hicks teachings have truly been a blessing in my life. They make sense, considering that if you send out a vibration to the universe, then in return you should get precisely what you asked for within the vibration. Here's a cute sign I found in regard to fitness:

I want to be able to do two things sometime within the near future: 

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Now, onto the real meaning of this blog. 

Love

This is the most powerful force. I came to a realization today, and that is most precious of all. I have finally, after so many years, learned what it is like to love. No longer do I have so much of a fear of what I can lose from those I love, but what I can gain. As you can imagine, this came from my most amazing man found in R. We've been able to have the kind of conversations lately which most would not be able to have, and it was perfectly comfortable. 

Today was scary. I went back to feeling like a child, for there was confusion within our relationship. After having lived such a life of non-communicate relationships, it's been hard to even know that my thoughts matter to this marvelous man. But it was in him today, that I saw a beauty unlike anything I've ever seen.. and I felt more than I ever thought I could imagine, for I love him more than I've ever loved anything. 

It was starting to baffle me. For this love was something that felt so magical that I felt like I no longer knew what reality was. But I'm learning that reality doesn't always have to be harsh, relationships not always for some kind of personal gain, just for love.  I'm learning to believe his words, his kind words to me, and that he doesn't intentionally hurt me ever. Our love is something unlike anything I could've imagined. 

I've also realized it's impossible to lie in love. The tears that come down the face, the shakiness of worrying about that person disappearing from your life forever, it just all begins to mean so much more. 

I suppose this is the sort of thing I've been dreaming of my whole life, and it really has changed me. Now all of a sudden all of the goals which I thought weren't possible, are. All the things I've wanted in my life, I can now have. When it comes to love, in a lot of ways I want to write so much, but it's so hard to write, for it's unexpressed. It feels silly to have been so worried, so hard on him for loving me, for not even believing that he could love me... now it feels silly! 

But today changed me, it really did. I realized that love is the healing factor. Love is the hardest thing to do, but the most worthwhile. Love and health combine into one, to create one beautiful entity. A bond that's unbreakable through the sands of time... 

.. and you know, I'm finally okay with it. I'm okay with letting someone in, letting them love me fully. For this is the life I've only ever been able to dream, and the dream just keeps getting better. 

Meant to inspire... (from my sparkpeople blog)

I knew that making my life different, that any point in life when there is major change is hard, I just didn't realize it would be this hard. I welcome the transition, and it naturally has to happen, I just wish it didn't have to reach a point where I HAVE to. 

The reality of things right now, however, is that I just had an attack. An attack which scared me so much, that I realize that if things continue down the road they're going I will be dead sooner than I would like. I started choking, nearly vomiting, I was downing water to try and stop, but the strange part is that the choking wasn't conducted by anything really. I wasn't dehydrated, I wasn't trying to eat anything, I was just sitting and talking. I realized that if the attack had gone on any longer, I probably wouldn't have been able to breath very, very soon. Afterward it felt as though my body was on fire. It's hard to describe, but all I know is that it was scary, and horrible. 

I feel like... I failed. When I was sixteen, I went vegan, lost lots of weight, and felt more free than ever before. Ever since then I've been promising myself that I would go back, but again and again succumbing to addiction. I just feel like this big wad of addiction, and that nothing can really help me, but if that's the type of attitude I have, then that's exactly what I'm going to get! 

The problem is, that I know who I am. I'm smart, I'm driven, I love to learn new things, meet new people, and try to become everything I can be.. but over the past few years, I really haven't been trying. People have told me I'm meant to be an inspiration. I'm musical, kind, and know what I want. 

However, the powers of addiction have amazing control over a human body. There are habits which I just can't seem to kick. This is embarrassing to admit. I've never thought of myself as an addict, but I am. I'm addicted to food that's terrible for me, I'm addicted to negative thought and pushing myself away from people. I'm addicted to not reaching my potential, because that leaves me comfortably struggling, just the same as my family has their whole life. I'm addicted to say "It'll happen tomorrow", only to have tomorrow come a little too late. 

I think one of my all-time biggest fears is being average. To die not reaching my potential. The issue is that I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT THAT IS! At the same time, I can't just become a new person unless if I choose too.. but right now.. I choose life, so I'm choosing you. 

It's my choice: 

I AM a smart woman 
I AM fit 
I AM taking value in my life 
I AM academically amazing 
I AM a songwriter 
I AM BEAUTIFUL! 
I AM a loving person 
I AM strong 
I AM ambitious 
I AM creative 
I HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE! 

This is more important than that cupcake which looks so good. This is more important than being right... this is my life, which I wish to live free. Now, just to make a logical plan to make this happen... Even if that means just choosing positivity, and to leave my old life behind.. 

IT'S HAPPENING!