Courage: the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc.,
What is courage? Courage is seen in the eyes of a woman who raises a child by themselves, a child who is forced to shoot his own parents, a homosexual in a group of heterosexuals, a child who recognizes patterns within their family and decides to change them despite the condemnation they'd receive, even a vegan in Southern Alberta. =P Courage is standing up even when you know you can fall, for stating an idea even though it might be something contraversal. Courage is a trait which we all posses, but rarely get a chance to live. If you get the chance, take it. The results are beyond amazing.
So I've been leading kind of a double life. Not something cool like Spiderman unfortunately. Wouldn't it be so awesome to be a superhero of some kind? Who am I kidding?.. I would just be in it for the cool costumes. When you were a kid, come on face it, you totally loved something like Sailor Moon or Ninja Turtles. Epic.. epic. Why did you love them? They fought for something bigger than themselves. They fought for what they knew was right. They fought for justice, for freedom, for a better life.
Which brings me to the double life I've been leading. Now to most, it might not be seen as a double life, or you might not be able to see why it's emotionally draining, but it is. Like most people, I seek for truth, and I try my hardest to be an honest person.
*Take discretion in reading past this point, because it could be seen as anti-Mormon literature* =P
When I left the church, I didn't technically leave. I left in my heart, and verbally, but not through action. You put me in a group of Mormons and most of the time you can't even tell that I've left. In trying to be respectful, I've kind of lost my own point of view. Not really, but in a way. I find it a blessing to be able to view from both points. However it needs to be done within reason. I don't like putting on masks anymore, it's not very productive.
When I left I was told "Pray, read the Book of Mormon.. keep coming to activities, ask question.." blah.. blah.. blah. That is what I did of a sense. I kept going to activities and although I knew I didn't believe, I still wanted to please people. I didn't want to let go of the people. It's scary to change groups, to truly free yourself. Whether people believe it or not, you can say 'I don't care what other people think' but the fact is, we do. When I left, I knew that people would lose respect for me, thinking that I've been swallowed up by Satan, whatever.. and it's not that I didn't care, but would it be right for me to continue going to church when I didn't believe? Of course not! What a silly question! The activities however, were just a chance to be social. At first, I didn't think it would be destructive, but man! The first time I told a person that "No, I did not want to attend church." or "No, I do not want to go to an activity." was kind of exhilarating. People still continue to ask me to 'Pray, read the Book of Mormon, etc'.. but here's the thing, should I continue wasting my life hoping that a testimony will come? Should I disregard the knowledge I now have? Should I halt my progress because somebody else believes this is a truth? Of course not. It's time to move on.
I'll admit, I've always been a follower. It's weird because I was also an independent thinker. Being an independent thinker, it's been hard to fit in. Following doesn't really work for me.. even though it's what I've tried to do... same as anyone... I've always had abstract ideas, and never really fit even when I was in the church. I always tried to fit in, often got hurt from trying to do so. I'm a weird person. I've always been very philosophically minded, and had a vivid imagination. I remember asking questions and having people giving me weird looks because they were the 'unaskable questions'. They were the questions nobody really knew the answer to, and to be honest, I don't think anybody really wanted to know. Eventually it gets tiring to shove things under the carpet, so you go looking for the answers yourself...
Sometimes the answers are things you don't want to hear, and so it was when I discovered that I no longer believed the church to be the truth. That what I 'knew' was not really 'knowledge', but that it was through faith that I was even still there. Faith in something I couldn't see, faith in someone I didn't know existed, faith in someone who seemed contradictory and to be honest.. not the type of God I can believe in. I had so much confusion, and since leaving it has left me. Now it is time to truly leave, and I'm taking the final steps.
What changed, what changed? Well, that is an extremely long answer. What changed in me was a need to be honest, to truly seek after truth. It was a piece of my life for twenty years, and a part of me will always have it. I'm grateful for the lessons I learned there, but there's so much more to learn. I can no longer center my life on something which I don't believe to be a truth. It is not my path, and I honestly know that that's the way it will stay. NOT out of stubbornness, but over the fact that I've tried, and I know too much to go back. Unless if God comes down and tells me himself that this is the true church of God, I'm not buying it. I also can't go to the activities for other people. I don't find it fair to them, or to myself. This is scary, though!
I finally took the last step toward the healing process of this. I am prepared for the things which will come as of my decision. I realize that many people will lose respect for me (yet again), people will choose to stay away from me, people will defriend me. It's inevitable. People will also be happy for me, clap their hands together and shout for joy. Who knows? We might have an awesome celebration. All I know is the way it feels for me, because at the end of the day that's who I have to face. My records will be removed, hopefully soon. I sent in my letter of resignation officially. I will no longer be going to activities. It's time to move on with life. I can't describe how amazing it felt to send off that letter... all the stress over the past 8-ish months seems to have been listed. Finally, I'm being true to who I really am. I don't want my name there. I don't approve of my name being there, so why should I allow it to be? Yes, I realize that it'll be as if I was never baptized, and I'm okay with that. It's completing the process. I will also be writing my complete story, and hopefully making a video to end this. I can't wait to get the letter saying my name is removed!
What's next for me? The unknown. The new trails of life. I'm looking forward to this next chapter! Yes, I am frightened of the unknown, just as anyone.. but it'll be okay. I've always been frightened of the unknown, but now it's exciting. Peace is here, peace is real. I'll be reading, songwriting, going to school, loving, seeking truth, giving hugs, cleaning my room, just the same as usual! Except my heart will be at peace. Finally.
HURRRRRRRAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
