Alright, so NOTE TO SELF: No more saying that life is as bad as it's going to get, it can always get worse, and it always DOES! Pessimistic viewpoint? Maybe so. I was actually starting to get quite a bit more optimistic today. Oh boy, maybe I am bipolar. Never before have I felt like gritting my teeth so bad, never before have I actually thought that I NEEDED to take a martial arts class of some kind. You know the kind of feelings where you're so angry you shake? Or where you feel like if you eat anything you're going to throw up? I should have wrote at the beginning of this post that I am an absolutely crazy person. That I'm kind of hopeless, my life IS a battlefield, and I'm being WAYYY too overdramatic right now. If this wasn't me who was writing this, I would probably be laughing right now. In fact I know that I would be. I would be thinking "Who is this person? Why are their thoughts so scattered? They're just silly!" Maybe that is what I am. I'm just plain silly. For now, this is enough ranting. By the way, now is the time when I will let you throw a tomato in my direction. There's plenty for all.
Why is it that I always start my blogs out with a rant that's usually completely unrelated?
Back on topic, my life sucks. Yes, that was intended to say 'sucks' because I fee like it is literally sucking life energy out of me. Like a vacuum, like a black hole, I feel worse than empty. This doesn't mean sadness or depression, it means confusino. The recipe looks something like this:
Oh look there's hope!
Wait.. there's heartbreak.
A pinch of love...
A tablespoon of annoying neighbours
A glimmer of creativity
A battle on topics which matter most to me...
A cup of endorphins
Being betrayed by a friend
3 cups of triumph
3 stabs of pain...
A reality of my cold heart...
A realization of my life's mission and that I can complete it!
and a sense of foolishness
create the recipe for...
Karen.
Sounds crazy? You have no idea. You know that queen from Alice in Wonderland who says "off with your head?" I wouldn't so much as mind if she came prancing through my land and offered too. Actually, I would ask her if she would like to switch brains for even an hour just to get relief from my thoughts. I think that I would still like to live, despite all the confusion.
It's kind of funny that my blog is named "...then move forward." Am I moving forward? Absolutely. Is it in a very good direction? I'm not really too sure. I'd like to think that it is. I just remember thinking to myself that nothing could possibly be worse than what it was a few years ago. Maybe it's not worse on the outside, on the inside the battle is torturous.
Here is tonight's misfortune. I feel like such a girl! Yes, that is what I am, but tonight I feel it! Break-ups do have an affect, even if it's mutual. Once it happened, I was at a friends place, joking around saying things like "Maybe I just wasn't beautiful enough? Why didn't he want me? Will anyone ever want me? I'm worth nothing." Then on the inside there are thoughts like; "I'm lonely. Why am I so lonely? Why would I want anything else. Isn't this what I'm used to? You're just not good enough. Who would ever be crazy enough to fall in love with me? Some fool-hardy guy, who's probably just as messed up as I am. Wait.. but I don't even deserve that." My hopes, my dreams, feel crushed even though they weren't REALLY my hopes and dreams. I want something so much more...
I once discussed with a friend about how the mind doesn't process sarcasm. I officially believe it. Those were my precise thought processes. I think I'm getting better at hiding my feelings. Whether this is a good thing or not I haven't decided. Whenever friends talk to me when I'm upset now, I let them discuss their problems and shove mine away. I can feel myself slowly building a giant wall, something about the size of China's. Who will be the one to break it down? I can feel myself growing cold. Not cold in the sense as I'm freezing (even though the window is open).. my heart is cold. China is having a harsh winter. So does that mean that I should never joke? I don't think that that's what I am implying. Joking is GOOD, but there is a kind of joking which helps one to grow and one which does not. Sarcasm is not one of those things. Bubbling like a volcano...
Maybe these could be half decent posts if they weren't so scattered.
*sigh*
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