Just let life flow, like water.

Since my decision to leave the church, I've been working really hard to try to rebuild my core. I'm keeping my sense of spirituality with things that I actually believe in. One of those things that I've continued to adopt is meditation.

I use to think of meditation the way they portray it in movies, where you cross your legs, stick your arms on them and say 'umm..' In the past couple of years I've realized that meditation is so much more than that. To me meditation means peace.

Today I found myself meditating in all places, the shower. Somehow the contrast between hot and cold was able to get me thinking in beauty. I've always felt a deep connection to water. The way that water moves through this life is so beautiful. After studying the cycles of water, and knowing the way that water feels on my body, the connection is bound.

Do you ever get the feeling like you're trying to be told something? It was as though standing in that water, switching between hot and cold, I was being told just to let my life flow. Life sometimes is hot, and sometimes it is cold. It will shock you at first, but then it will just feel good. Eventually you'll enjoy them so much that you won't want to get out. The cold doesn't feel so cold anymore, it just adds on to happiness. The cold is no longer something to be feared, but an opportunity for growth and development.

It was interesting being in the shower. My thoughts began to flow as water. Faces that have come, faces that have gone, and the peace that I felt despite these gains and losses. My immense love began to be felt through the water trickling down my face, my love of music, love, my physical body, people, and a love for the creator. Instead of trying to explain my life away, I'm just going to live. Everything always works itself out in the end. Instead of trying to fight the storm, I just want to dance in the rain.

Have you ever heard of the cultures where they change their names as they fit? I'm adopting a chosen name. Kotarah Soleil. Kotarah shall mean flow of water, and Soleil is French for sunshine. It may seem strange that I'm putting the two together, but water always flows to sunshine. That is the way I want my life to be. I want my life to always flow to the sun.

So far, I think I'm on the right path. A very beautiful path. It's nice to have a spiritual sense back again. One that feels real to me.

For now this is my theme for life. Just let life flow, like water.

Your wish is my command.

Perhaps it's time to go back to being like a child. When I was a child, I read books, wrote stories, sang sons... and just enjoyed life. I knew how to think. I was left open to interpret my own thoughts. There was never anyone there to tell me my thoughts were wrong. It's too bad that time was so short. Practicing thinking for myself would've been a good thing to continue! I can only imagine where I would be today!

When I got friends in high school, I can't pretend that I didn't become a people pleaser. I still am. There's this irrational fear that if I simply state my actual thoughts that people are not going to like me because of it. Other times things sound like good ideas, then I blab on how I feel inspired by it, but then I really think about it, try to figure out where it fits in my life, and then reject it.

I'm starting to feel like most of my life has been dictated to me. "You will believe this, you should do this, what a great idea this is, etc." It's not their fault, it's fully mine, but I'm starting to realize how truly vulnerable I am. It's really hard for me to take the time to think for myself! It's hard for me to consider my real beliefs, values, etc.

So I'm thinking I'm finally going to take that time. It started recently with re-evaluating what I actually think. I know that it's going to get better somehow from here. I'm not saying being a people pleaser is bad, but living my life just for other people? That's bad.