It's hard for me to look back on this blog. I was so excited to get my health going, and to get my life in order.

...then move forward... HA it feels like a joke. I haven't been moving forward! At least not in the areas I've wanted to. There always seems to be some sort of block. If the block is the fact that my boyfriend and I aren't supposed to be here, then I suppose that is about to be fixed. 

The funny part is that people will say 'well, you always do that. You always say you're going to do something and then don't follow through with it.' a) this is no longer true b) there were road blocks that we literally COULD NOT ignore. We've barely had money to have food on our table (which is now gone for our move). 

I've never felt so alone. I guess now I have no choice but to move forward. Now I just need to move forward and create a plan! I think that's the hardest part for me to do. Come up with a plan. It's time consuming, you never know if it's going to work... it's time consuming, it's easy to be lazy.. you never know if you're going to come up with too much of a plan, too late, you catch my drift. 

However, I need a plan. I really, really do. I think I feel mostly okay with my life now but I'm scared of slipping. My life has been based on fear, and kind of an unreality. I want this reality to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 

Speaking of beauty, that's much of what my next post will be about.

For now, am I a failure? I suppose I can't sway your decision any. On the appearance I have failed. I have not lost a bunch of weight. I have not become much better at the guitar. I've only started to write songs and my novel. We have to move, and it probably could've been prevented.. but maybe that's the universe saying get out of here! Spread your wings and fly! So if I am a failure, then this is the best failure I've ever had. I never realized failure could feel so good, and that I could feel like I was so close to success! 

Accepting Fate

I.. am stressed. Heavily so. In light of what is happening, it is just proof that things can change at the flip of a hat. In this instance, no I'm not referring to my loverboy. I realize that the past few posts have been about how stressed I am, but this is a weird kind of stress. I'm almost calm at the same time. I realize that the events which have happened, have happened because they were supposed to. That doesn't make it any less scary. That doesn't make it any more likely that things will turn out okay. I have to uproot from everything I've known the past sixteen years, to a place where we have no set home (yet, although we almost have a place), no job, no surety of attending school, and nothing familiar to me. This move will be amazing. I'm just wanting things to have a more certain outcome. Humans have this natural inkling to dislike change, and I'm disliking it right now. Never before have I felt so vulnerable. Never before have I been so scared, and yet never before have I been so certain that everything will turn out okay.. in fact, this may be the best thing that happens to us.

Usually I'm able to remain fairly composed and collected. Right now, I'm not. I'm definitely freaking out.

Sigh. This is definitely a twist in the story. A plot twist and I'm scared as hell.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.. gah.

Just gotta keep telling myself that.