Alright folks, here it is. I'm kind of too chicken to admit this to most people in person. Through the internet, it's easier to deal with the emotion. This is terribly personal, but I feel that an explanation is required. Now it might make more sense to people as of lately as to why I've been so upset.
I have decided to leave the Latter-day Saint faith. I've chosen to make this very brief, not stating all my views, because I simply don't want to. However, here is the basis.
I started seriously questioning (I've always been questioning) about two months ago when I found out that a group I'm closely associated with split up over religion. I found it preposterous and ridiculous! It scared me because it was proving my friend who said that religion starts a lot of dumb fights, right. Then I experimented with things like praying that specific things would be proven correct to me, and they were, even though they were completely wrong. There were keys that were supposed to remain the same and they're consistently changing! Even the Book of Mormon has been redone a few times. Even though in the beginning it was just for grammar errors, some of the meaning has been changed too. I can't believe in the kind of God that they believe in, one who is so judgmental. I may be only human, but even if someone is mean to me 1000 times I can't help but love them. I can't stand the exclusion of the church. So many people have their families lost to them because of it. They're disowned, fight all the time, basically just can't be accepted as human beings. People are so set on BEING RIGHT that we forget that people are the most important things we have here. I'm not angry toward the church, not yet, but I don't agree with a lot of their beliefs. I've also noticed that the LDS church is VERY similar to other churches, either with little or no change whatsoever.
Anyway, to conclude, I've done a lot of soul searching and I've discovered that I don't believe it's true. I do believe in a God of some kind, but I don't believe what they believe. It's been the toughest decision I've ever had to make, because it's all I know. The only reason why I've even thought about staying is because I don't want my friends of the LDS faith to think less of me. I KNOW that there's going to be judgments, and that's going to hurt like hell. I'm still me, I just don't believe what they do. In fact, I'm more me now than I ever have been. It feels like the right decision. I've tried to force myself to believe it. I've kept on reading my scriptures, praying, and have felt nothing. Not unless if I force myself to. It's great if other people find happiness in it, but I don't. All I see is pain. My friend put it as, I've been outside of the bubble, and so therefore it's hard to go back to the oblivious bubble.
My beliefs are agnostic right now. I believe in natural healing, because I've seen it work. I believe that there is a God. I don't want to go into another religion, though. I believe that if anyone, the natives had it right. I want to center my life on peace, open-mindedness, health, beauty and love. When I discovered that the only things really reigning me into the church were the fear of possibly an unhappy afterlife and my friends, I realized it was time to leave. I want to leave while I'm still not angry towards the church.
I know that this is going to take a lot of re-core building. The church has been my fundamental base for as long as I can remember besides the period when I had left the church for six months. I care about people, but people isn't enough to keep me in a religion. If I'm not true to myself what else is there left?
This song describes perfectly how I feel,
Karen, I am really sad to hear this. I completely understand that you need to do things for yourself, and I don't judge you for that. I know that sometimes it can be really hard to be a member of this church, but from my experience, it has always been worth it. I think one thing that you need to factor into your decision making and your view of the church is that the church -- the gospel of Jesus Christ-- is perfect, but the people are not. People make mistakes, and people judge and people exclude but the gospel does not. That's something that is hard to keep separate sometimes, but it is definitely something that should be taken into consideration.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find what you are searching for, whatever that may be. Remember that your Heavenly Father loves you and knows what is best for you.
Anyway, you can take my advise or not. I just wanted to share my feelings.
Wow Karen I am shocked and sad to hear this. As you may know I am stuck in the middle of this exact controversy and it is not easy. My husband may have different beliefs now but I don't. I have heard all that he has to say about the LDS faith and understand your concerns. But on the other hand I know what it is like to live without the gospel. I personally know God led me to the church and that I am where I should be. I am choosing to follow God and no one else. It is so important to have a personal connection to God and the Savior. It's easy to get caught up in what people say and what people do and how they choose to treat each other. But that isn't the church or what Christ taught. God has only blessed my life for living the gospel. There is so much good in it. I'm sure he has blessed you too for choosing to follow him. Don't give up on him because he'll never give up on you.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to visit about things let me know. Like I said I'm going through things and it is not easy. Take care
Karen, I can't tell you enough how much this breaks my heart. In no way will my feelings towards YOU change, however. I want you to know that I love you and will always love you no matter what decision you make (of course unless you try to kill me or something, now that, I can't live with :p )
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on many of your points about people and how they treat one another. It's very interesting that you bring this up because I was actually thinking about this yesterday as well and wrote out a blog posting that I haven't yet posted because I felt the need to wait... I just might do that soon, though..
If I could give my testimony to every single person in this world, I would. I have every reason in the world to pull away completely and I can understand exactly where people come from when they feel the way they do about certain things but if there's one thing I've learned it is this: There is a massive difference between The Gospel and the Church. The church is the culture and the people. People are very dumb. I've seen families and friendships torn including my own because of individual feelings and emotions. People relate it back to the gospel, but it has nothing to do with it. It has everything to do with the people themselves and they use the gospel as a point of blame because of the people. Assumptions and lack of understand lead to actions that lead to anger and hurt which in turn tears people apart. The Gospel in and of itself doesn't have anything to do with it. If it did, things like this wouldn't happen. If people in the church, as well, truly understood the Atonement and the Gospel, families and friendship would never tear apart.
God does judge, but he doesn't judge the way we do. I want you to know that. People often misunderstand Him even in the LDS church. In my experience, he isn't "judgmental". In fact, if he were, I'd have no place in his church at all. People are judgmental, not the Lord.
But I will digress. Despite my own feelings and the testimony I've gained and experiences I've had, I can not change your mind or give you know what I know or my experiences and feelings. My friendship to you will never change and I will never ever be upset with you. Don't ever mistake my sadness for that.
I also want you to know that I do know the Gospel is true. I'm not telling you this because I want you to suddenly believe it, but I feel it is important to share...
Despite situations, personal feelings of seclusion and offenses, I remember the first time I prayed to ask if the Book of Mormon was true and I can not deny the power of the Holy Ghost that testified to me that it was. Since that time, I have had multiple experiences to reinforce that same testimony. Answers to prayer and sometimes not getting answers. The faith and patience involved and oftentimes feeling like I am dragging my feet but in the end, He knew what He was doing. I can tell you that the priesthood is real and our church is the only one who claims the lineage and I've seen it's power and felt it. I can tell you that despite the evidence that people claim to have of things being wrong, I've also seen the opposite and felt it. People in the church have been misguided before, but that is also why it is so important to rely fully on Heavenly Father because He is the one in the end whose opinion matters, no one else. I've struggled with whether or not I'm part of something real many times in my lifetime and each time I've questioned it, I've gone back to the few small moments of feelings and answers to prayer that can only be explained by Faith and the power of the Priesthood.
No matter your journey and decisions, I truly hope that one day things will become clear to you.
I hope that you don't take this the wrong way. I don't want you to feel I'm forcing anything on you, I just didn't want to write without expressing my feelings on the topic. Love ya girl. <3
I too would like to state that often times when we feel like there is something wrong with our believes. It is when we are so high on the spirit that the devil tempts us the most. Because that is his goal. He wants us to fail and lose our faith. That way it is easier for him to tear us down. And make us crumble and by making us question our believes. I know that every person has there reasons but I can honestly tell you that Joseph Smiths vision was true and that the book of mormon is true and if you have any doubt read your scriptures and pray and if you feel you have to force your self it is because you are being tried there are many trails in life and we will be tested and it is or choice to allow our self's to fall away or to stick to the iron rod and carry on. I can say with out a shadow of a doubt that the lds believes are true and that if you allow yourself to fall away for the church I will still love you it is not your religion that I love although I love that as well but you. I hope that you will take the challenge of reading your scriptures daily and praying to get conformation that the book of mormon is true and that the things that J.S has testifide are true as well and that P.Monson is a true prophet
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