The Most Powerful Force

For years, I have been dead to the world. Crawling inside space, so familiar, almost comforting. It's easy to believe lies, when you've grown up on them since childhood. it's a comfortable place to be, and an easy way to not take responsibility. It's captivating, liberating, and you barely realize that your life is being cheated.. but it is. By the time I realized that I had been cheated, in many ways I had to learn it the hard way.

I am mainly referencing my health, and love. In many ways I didn't learn how to love, or how to be healthy. Both of which I believe are essential things to learn...

In regards to health, I was taught that I was big boned. I believe that there are actually very few instances where this are the case. There are some people who are actually bigger built, and look good that way, but I find that in most cases (my families specifically) that it's an excuse to not take care of yourself. My grandma just had a heart attack. My mom was on the verge of diabetes. My sister is also sick, and I am starting to be VERY sick. It's getting to a point where I have to decide if I want to live the rest of my life easily, or in a hard way. It's basically a choice of real living, or going back to being more or less dead and oblivious.

In regards to health, I was taught that my way of eating was more than satisfactory. Living on a diet of pasta, way more meat than necessary, potatoes, barely any fruit or vegetables... yes, I'm sure you can imagine what the outcome has been.

Not only was I more or less lied to about what healthy was, there was also plenty of lies about mental health and love. Depression is okay. My sister was declared as clinically angry. (I got more than angry at this doctor, because then it gave her an annoying unreasonable excuse to yell at me whenever she liked, even if I did nothing). I never knew that happiness was a choice. That it was okay to speak up, to have opinions, and whatever opinions I did have.. I had to fight for them, and fight for them hard.

Love was a game. It was more of a contest than anything. In order to show that I appreciated anything, anything at all, I would have to thank my mother or my grandmother until my face turned purple, and even then.. to everyone else they told, I still didn't appreciate a thing they did. I gave suggestions of how to better relationships, and yet still I was attacking them... I didn't appreciate them... when really all I was trying to do was understand them...

Love was a game. We didn't really talk to each other unless if we were using the person as a means to an end. Nobody could settle for some sort of happiness, if it wasn't for their benefit. It was very much a 'what am I getting' type household. If you're not getting anything, then there is essentially no purpose for the person. People are meant to be seen, to be socially accepted, individuality stripped. This is why I went dead... because this was perfectly normal in the place that should've been my safehaven, but it was honestly more like a hell.

Now, you may be wondering why I shared this personal information with you. I got deeper than most would about this type of subject matter. I am here to tell you that the shift within me is now happening at a steadier pace than even I thought. I'm starting to remember the things that I've learned, the things that I laid away in my memory when I was dead, and I want to share the beauty of my knowledge with you.

I know how to be healthy. I love herbs, and raw veganism. Now if you think that raw veganism is boring, I can promise you it isn't. Raw veganism often looks like this:

Honestly, I wish I had known about raw vegan when I had become vegan. Honestly, you feel so much better and have so many more options. My goal is, that by the end of this month I will be at least halfway raw, but completely vegan. Yes, there does have to be a lot of research done to make sure that you're getting in enough nutrients, but honestly, isn't that the same with any diet?

Herbs in many ways have saved me. When I became vegan, and downed a bunch of cayenne pepper, I got rid of my asthma completely. I felt better than I ever have. More valuable than anything, is that the knowledge that I have gained.

I went to the gym every day, for nearly three hours a day. I would do kick-boxing, yoga, dance... and I would work-out.

I began to be very knowledgeable in what sorts of exercises to do for what part of the body you need doing. The only problem with the way I was doing things.. was that I ended up losing track. I ended up.. giving up. I was SO CLOSE. I only had about another 40 pounds to lose, and I would've looked amazing. Not only that but it probably would've been fairly easy to maintain... but now, I have the motivation. I'm not going to let this happen again, because I'm going to take the steps to make this a permanent lifetime choice. 

First thing I've been doing to take a step in the right direction. I have been reading 'The Law of Attraction" which is a novel by Esther and Jerry Hicks who were said to meet with an entity called Abraham. Although the idea of meeting with an entity might not always appeal to people, their ideas are fantastic. I've been listening to some stuff from them online. In regard to health this one is particularly fantastic. I loved it, and I hope you will too. So now, I've created some ideas of who I want to be and what I want to look like, and this is more or less what I've come up with.

I do not think I'm aiming to high, I've been analyzing my structure and I believe that this is attainable. Although, the second girls stomache is more muscular than I want it to be. I want more of a dancers stomach, like Jessica Alba, Britney Spears, or Christina Aguilera (if you get rid of the associations, they still have great bodies). 

Abraham-hicks teachings have truly been a blessing in my life. They make sense, considering that if you send out a vibration to the universe, then in return you should get precisely what you asked for within the vibration. Here's a cute sign I found in regard to fitness:

I want to be able to do two things sometime within the near future: 

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Now, onto the real meaning of this blog. 

Love

This is the most powerful force. I came to a realization today, and that is most precious of all. I have finally, after so many years, learned what it is like to love. No longer do I have so much of a fear of what I can lose from those I love, but what I can gain. As you can imagine, this came from my most amazing man found in R. We've been able to have the kind of conversations lately which most would not be able to have, and it was perfectly comfortable. 

Today was scary. I went back to feeling like a child, for there was confusion within our relationship. After having lived such a life of non-communicate relationships, it's been hard to even know that my thoughts matter to this marvelous man. But it was in him today, that I saw a beauty unlike anything I've ever seen.. and I felt more than I ever thought I could imagine, for I love him more than I've ever loved anything. 

It was starting to baffle me. For this love was something that felt so magical that I felt like I no longer knew what reality was. But I'm learning that reality doesn't always have to be harsh, relationships not always for some kind of personal gain, just for love.  I'm learning to believe his words, his kind words to me, and that he doesn't intentionally hurt me ever. Our love is something unlike anything I could've imagined. 

I've also realized it's impossible to lie in love. The tears that come down the face, the shakiness of worrying about that person disappearing from your life forever, it just all begins to mean so much more. 

I suppose this is the sort of thing I've been dreaming of my whole life, and it really has changed me. Now all of a sudden all of the goals which I thought weren't possible, are. All the things I've wanted in my life, I can now have. When it comes to love, in a lot of ways I want to write so much, but it's so hard to write, for it's unexpressed. It feels silly to have been so worried, so hard on him for loving me, for not even believing that he could love me... now it feels silly! 

But today changed me, it really did. I realized that love is the healing factor. Love is the hardest thing to do, but the most worthwhile. Love and health combine into one, to create one beautiful entity. A bond that's unbreakable through the sands of time... 

.. and you know, I'm finally okay with it. I'm okay with letting someone in, letting them love me fully. For this is the life I've only ever been able to dream, and the dream just keeps getting better.