I never knew

I guess there is a time
where you think you know everything
You know loneliness
You know pain.
And happiness feels so far away.
This is what happened to me
I was so naive.

I was taught once, that I knew love
Questioning why I couldn't get a hug
Was this the one I loved?
Or were you remembering Father's touch?
I promise you had no reason to fear loving me.
I couldn't understand why my love was treated like a disease.

I thought that I knew pain
Remembering my Father's hits
Of words unspeakable
Could I crumble before I had a chance to rise?
Was this to be the fate of my life?

But still, I never knew never knew.
No I never knew anything at all.

I thought I knew loneliness
When I wrote about my footprints
Of the different path I'd chosen to take
I prayed to God every day
Wondering why my answers never came
and why I felt so horrible every day...
For I was praying to a God of truth
My life was anything but smooth...
The inner conflict ruled.
The contraversy and contradiction
Would eventually errupt my system
but I still had friends...
who could explain away my suspicions

What happens when you can't explain away
what doesn't make sense so frequently
Will you blind your eyes so you can pretend to see?
I couldn't do it anymore, so seeking truth I looked forward
fearing the views of my peers, it was a time of naught but tears
I gasped and cried, every painful night
For loneliness was beginning to errupt..
and to this day, I wouldn't wish it on a soul
To feel this betrayed.
For if this was the way
That God's people behaved
I wouldn't learn love or mercy anyway.
Just to judge
And try to shush
Not even try to understand
One of the hardest decisions to be made by a woman...
For the more that I searched
The more that I knew
That I had to follow what was true
Even I'd it lead me away from home...
Oh so alone.

For I never knew, never knew
I never knew loneliness this way.
Never knew anything at all.

I wish I'd realized I hadn't known love
For when the first lad came along
A dream it appeared
Naivity clearly gained threw the years.
I feely gave my heart, as it was destroyed.
Treated little better than a toy
Oh, the things I learned.
I gave myself, no longer really there
Taking my heart to gently tear
To play a game, and take away my world
It was a clever game, but like all games they end
and I was never taught, really, how to mend

Cover it up, put a smile on
There were some who were right on
The facts of life... and getting it right
That didn't change the fact that I didn't sleep at night
Or that I would've fought for just one touch again..
Yes, I'd lost almost every friend.
I almost knew loneliness
I almost knew
I was lost, and so confused.
because I never knew, I never knew.

The idea of dreams was foreign
In a life where you do what you need to survive
Just get through the day, by and by
So I never knew freedom
Without the death, then the kingdom
A broken idea of heaven
and no appreciation for life
Until I listened to my heart, and what I believe to be true.
Which changed to gain a real life
and freedom of the heart, I could fly.
No one could see my wings, or would join me in my new found beauty
I thought I was alone, forever alone.

I remembered a man.
A man who had careful hands, who wouldn't hurt a soul.
I remembered this man, figured I'd give it a chance
Figured I'd had nothing more to lose.
In it, I found a place to heal.
When I never knew love, I found it here.
and a healing from all the years of pain, of pain.
For this man, is jolly in life's hands
and I'm proud to be in his life's dance.
You could say he saved me, you could say he set me free
You would also know he's the only one who ever believed in me.
No, I never knew, I never knew that I could love like this.
Never knew I could feel safe in a man's kiss,
or that my dreams mattered.
No, I only thought my life would continue it's pattern.
My world opened up
to a city of love
So I'll lay my thanks to the earth, to this beautiful universe
For a life that I'd never dreamt to be real.
Creations a plenty, I never thought I'd appreciate so many
but most of all my man's gentle heart.
It brings tears to my eyes, how he changed my life
for I never thought I'd know what it was like to have such a man by my side.
We're free to explore
This world's bliss some more
And learn of truth again
I'll lay my heart to the earth
A beautiful rebirth
Smiling, and stepping onward
Take his hand, leap a little
This earth is not fragile
Meant to hold and enlighten our souls
We'll keep dreaming
Side by side, believing
in a free world, hand in hand.
Never has there been a more blissful life's dance...


-Kotarah Soleil.