I knew that making my life different, that any point in life when there is major change is hard, I just didn't realize it would be this hard. I welcome the transition, and it naturally has to happen, I just wish it didn't have to reach a point where I HAVE to.
The reality of things right now, however, is that I just had an attack. An attack which scared me so much, that I realize that if things continue down the road they're going I will be dead sooner than I would like. I started choking, nearly vomiting, I was downing water to try and stop, but the strange part is that the choking wasn't conducted by anything really. I wasn't dehydrated, I wasn't trying to eat anything, I was just sitting and talking. I realized that if the attack had gone on any longer, I probably wouldn't have been able to breath very, very soon. Afterward it felt as though my body was on fire. It's hard to describe, but all I know is that it was scary, and horrible.
I feel like... I failed. When I was sixteen, I went vegan, lost lots of weight, and felt more free than ever before. Ever since then I've been promising myself that I would go back, but again and again succumbing to addiction. I just feel like this big wad of addiction, and that nothing can really help me, but if that's the type of attitude I have, then that's exactly what I'm going to get!
The problem is, that I know who I am. I'm smart, I'm driven, I love to learn new things, meet new people, and try to become everything I can be.. but over the past few years, I really haven't been trying. People have told me I'm meant to be an inspiration. I'm musical, kind, and know what I want.
However, the powers of addiction have amazing control over a human body. There are habits which I just can't seem to kick. This is embarrassing to admit. I've never thought of myself as an addict, but I am. I'm addicted to food that's terrible for me, I'm addicted to negative thought and pushing myself away from people. I'm addicted to not reaching my potential, because that leaves me comfortably struggling, just the same as my family has their whole life. I'm addicted to say "It'll happen tomorrow", only to have tomorrow come a little too late.
I think one of my all-time biggest fears is being average. To die not reaching my potential. The issue is that I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT THAT IS! At the same time, I can't just become a new person unless if I choose too.. but right now.. I choose life, so I'm choosing you.
It's my choice:
I AM a smart woman
I AM fit
I AM taking value in my life
I AM academically amazing
I AM a songwriter
I AM BEAUTIFUL!
I AM a loving person
I AM strong
I AM ambitious
I AM creative
I HAVE AN AMAZING LIFE!
This is more important than that cupcake which looks so good. This is more important than being right... this is my life, which I wish to live free. Now, just to make a logical plan to make this happen... Even if that means just choosing positivity, and to leave my old life behind..
IT'S HAPPENING!
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