Gutter Trap

My wavering optimism I believe is starting to lean toward hopelessness.. or the feeling thereof. Does anybody really intend for that sort of thing to happen? No. Does it happen though? It most certainly does, and it is happening to me now.

It could be the fact that our house is a rest, that I feel as though I've barely spent any quality time with R and yet I LIVE with him, it could be the fact that I haven't felt motivation to study, and yet I need to do so in order to keep my grades up..

Bah.

It could also be the fact that I am in a relationship. The best relationship I've ever been in, and I'm not happy. Not unhappy because of him. To be honest, he's the only thing keeping me sane, but I'm still obviously not happy, and haven't been for a long time. It bothers me because it reminds me of my ex who told me that I was a hard girl to please. I'm not hard to please when I'm being myself... and also, when I'm not in an emotional abusive relationship...

Maybe some of the frustrating part is, the fact that my partner seems to have an amazing connection with the universe. Things seem to work out for him. He really is the best teacher and mentor. I'm jealous of people, I say 'can't' before I even try. I succumb to opinions which aren't actually me... and he doesn't. He just rolls through this life in the most pleasant way possible. I have the tools for this too, so why isn't it happening!?!?!?!

It's hard to motivate me to do anything right now. I feel like a puppy in a lot of ways. I can't do something unless if someone is there to push me along. THIS HAS TO STOP, and I know it.. This is decently dangerous. I have no motivation unless if someone's doing it with me. I'm not a puppy, I'm not a child.

Speaking of child.. I notice I have a child-like tendency. I expect things to be around me, and if they change or go away, I freak out. It's supposed to be there.. it's always just supposed to be there.. it's not supposed to leave. I feel like I have unnatural reactions to things leaving, to things ending. I can visit someone for three days, or only know them for three days, have them go away and I'm bawling like a baby. When things don't go according to plan, or things change, I freak out. I also prefer to stick to my own schedule. When I arrange to hang out with someone, I almost always cancel. The terrible thing about this is that every time I go out, and do these things with the people.. I enjoy myself, I find purpose within life.

Hum bug.

I'm so motivationless. That's not even a word. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling frustrated, hurt and like I've failed. I essentially almost feel like a waste of space.

The answer is simple right? I just change my attitudes and behaviours so that my life is more enjoyable... I hate using excuses, but I really do have an abnormal fear of change. I will cling to the thing that's there like my life depends on it, even though I know that it's a slow form of suicide. I just WON'T let go of things. It's SO hard for me to get over anything. Especially when it comes to people. Or bad habits I have.

R seems to have this messed up perception of me. He thinks that I'm a person who has a huge drive, and in some ways I do.. but then I always give up. I always give up usually right before the time when it's actually going to make a difference. It's like an addiction, every single time. there's a particular high that I get from it. At the end of the day I'm the one who's right. I couldn't do it just like I thought I couldn't.. but at the same time..

I'M SO JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO ACCOMPLISH THINGS! When I could just as easily be the person who accomplishes things.

Why am I ranting right now? I have a test. I have a test at 8:30 in the morning. It's with my favourite instructor. I feel like in a lot of ways I failed him, because I didn't do as well as I could've this semester. It's for reasons like right now. I'm not going to get the right amount of sleep that I need to do as well on the test as I would like. Go to sleep? Ha... ha... I wish. My head just keeps running.. and running.. and running.

Computers almost destroyed. Camera's destroyed. House looks messy. = My head's a mess!

As human beings I think we're never satisfied. If you qualify this as an excuse, maybe this is. I'm seemingly never satisfied. There. I said it. I'm not satisfied, alright? I was raised in an environment where I was told to settle for mediocre, but my soul doesn't want it. I want something high. I want to have lived for a purpose...


...and this is my gutter trap...

Perhaps I needed to admit something was wrong.

*le sigh*