A simple life of beauty.

I was meaning to write yesterday, but today I just can't help myself. I would have a return of guilt if I did not write about how I am feeling now. That's the thing, I'm actually feeling right now. The numbness is.. gone. The things I couldn't let go of, are gone. Tonight I was stripped down to who I am. I was honestly back to being my chosen name, Kotarah. The difference is that this time, I'm ready for it. To me this name means beauty, and flowing like water. Water is a significant part of my life, and the word beautiful is what I believe encompasses my soul. This is who I am..

What brought me back down to myself? Surprisingly enough, last night it was a photo.

I feel like this photo encompasses the workings within my soul. Peaceful, calmness, beauty, simplicity. If there's anything anyone knows, it's how hard it is to recognize one's own beauty, and here I was able to picture. Picture myself in an uplifted amazing state. That's when I realized that I'm reaching it, I am reaching my potential. I'm becoming who I want to become. I am breaking cycles which have been there for as long as I can remember, and most importantly, I am not afraid. I'm ready to free-fall into the unknown world, and accept life as my adventure. I feel liberated, amazing, wonderful.

So that was the cake. The solid foundation (funny, I don't even like cake, but it's the easiest way to describe how this works) Tonight, a great group helped me to create the icing. It was a night of meditation. I learned a lot, through simple little things.

First off, I've been thinking a lot about truth and where to find it. It frustrates me that we disillusion ourselves, that nothing seems to be real. Everything we think is the best choice, when maybe it's not actually. Being wrong is one of the most painful things in the world. Contemplating what is real, is hard. One man tonight said "Awareness is the only real reality." Then it clicked! Being present, being here, being aware, that IS the truth. That is what's real. Does anything else really matter? No. Now I understand why being present, being aware is so important. It's the only truth we really have.

Logic seems to have run my mind and the way I work the past year. Emotion is simply too strong to muster. To be honest, I've been afraid of what I was going to find within myself. My heart is what I need to connect with, because there's only so far that your head can get you. Breath in.. breath out..

Breath in.. breath out.. this is how it all started. Then we started making sounds, singular tones, it was more powerful than I can say, for I was nearly brought to tears. I could feel the intentions of my heart, I could feel the beauty within my soul. I could see there was no real reason to fear. I could see the situations I'm in right now for what they really are. All the guilt I feel, the things I need to let go of.. I now feel as though I can get through it... Not just endure, but embrace. It's a gift, after all.

Whoever invented life was a genius. Yes, I do believe it was an invention. Everything has to have been invented. Something can't stem from nothing. I can't even say how beautiful life is now. I NEVER thought it would be this way. I'm ready to go out, I'm ready to love, I'm ready to live.

That is the simple beauty. The simple things in life.

For all there was, was a breath in.. and a breath out...