Going to school is great! However, I've come across a person who ended association. We've decided to start talking. One person she's in association with, was a person who hurt me terribly. We'll call this person Z. Z is very manipulative. I noted it at first, but I didn't realize how bad it would get. Some people believe in teaching their kids not to touch a stove by first having them make the mistake of touching the stove. The person then learns to not be stupid and touch the stove. This touching of the stove set me on fire, and not in a good way. Having Z do what they did I believe was necessary for a number of changes. It was possibly one of the biggest wake-up calls I've ever had, but setting oneself on fire never feels very pleasant. I'm just happy it stopped before it turned into a wildfire.
I was having a discussion with this person who I've come into association with, Mary we'll call her.. told me that maybe I should try and break the ice with him. That I should apologize. You know how there's times when somebody won't listen to about a particular situation. No matter how much you want them to listen to their side of your story, they want to have their own view. They don't care how it actually is, they just want to believe in the good of that person? Yes, that is this situation.
I was tempted to do it.. I was tempted to have Z back in my life. However, when I was making this decision, I felt all of inside of me going dark. As I was talking to Mary, and having my boyfriend hold me, I felt like I was going insane! "What do you think you're doing? You got out of this for a reason.. do.not.go.back! I was sitting there nodding, with Z in the same proximity as me debating wither or not I should go up to them and apologize. Shouldn't I apologize after all for having said the things I said to him? Shouldn't I apologize for cutting them out of my life? The truth is.. no.. I shouldn't. I'm not the type of person who likes cutting people out of their life. In fact, it takes quite a lot for me to want to do it permanately... I just care too much. Now that I'm able to think, that I'm away from Mary and have sounded it through in my head.. I feel stupid for even considering letting them back in. No, I don't want to be wrapped around your fingers. No, I don't want your control. No, I don't want to be manipulated by you. You treated me so horribly, unnaturally horribly and there is no place in my life for that. You will NOT have me again. Never never never. My soul is screaming at Z, and it's for very specific reasons. I feel so much FEAR! Why would I let something back into my life which hurt me so bad? Especially knowing that they have not changed... that they're still living the same lie.
What do I have to apologize for? I see you for who you are, Z. That is why you need me to apologize. I SEE beyond your mask, the one you wear for the world.. and you HATE that. That is why I would have had to apologize. You don't like that I see what you are.. and you don't like that I could be the one to change things. Z knows I could reveal his lie, and eventually there would be no way to cover it up. Liars get caught.. especially one with a life with this many lies.
Mary told me to be the 'Bigger person'. To have it end..us ignoring each other completely. She is back in my life after all and so I'd probably run into him after all right?
The thing is, that this is what I know Z would expect me to do. Z expects me to give in. When I cut off association from them, I don't think they thought that I would actually stay out.. but I have. I have not gone back to them. Z no longer rules me, they no longer rule my life. I will not allow the worthlessness that was felt, I will not allow the tears back, I will be the bigger person.. but not in the way she wants me to. I will be the bigger person by not allowing this to happen. Never again. I won't get caught in the web.. it's over.
This is how I will stay free. I will stay free.
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