So.. it's been one of those days. One of those days, which has been very emotional. I guess there's always times when we don't know what we want. Religion seems to be the ever-lasting factor in my life, and such seems to be the case now.
In Ethics class, our teacher seemed to go on a total bible bashing speel. Toward the end of it, I honestly got kind of angry. All of his points were perfectly legitimate - however it was extensive. I think it just brings up the fact that although I no longer believe in Christianity, I no longer have any solid thing which I agree with. No religion has replaced. Nor do I plan on changing that, but there has to be something more.. and if there isn't, then I want to know! I suppose all I can do is keep living, but this saddens me..
No, this is not an invitation to try and re-convert me. When I say it saddens me, it also means I'm done dabbling in things which I do not believe to be true, and if I don't believe it, I will blatently tell you so. In a lot of ways I just wish things were more straight forward, less complicated.
I suppose this just shows me how very alone I tend to be. The opinions and thoughts that I have which are powerful, and set, which I know to be truth... are not only not accepted, but condemned in many ways. Not in the same way that seemed to happen when I was Mormon, for there is most certainly a difference in knowledge and a belief in something. Especially when I've lived these particular truths and seen the results from them. I don't feel guilt-ridden like I used to. I feel freedom, I feel love, but I also feel alone.
A huge part of me is still very bitter and I know it. With going from a well-respected human-being to all of a sudden being 'Satan possessed' and no longer worthy of friendship because I'm a threat. Yeah.. not really a way of sugar-coating that. Essentially it was back to square one with making friends. Also, regardless of what it seems, I can't stand talking to people I don't know. I never know what to say, because I definitely just play off of people.
Why don't I fit anywhere? Why are my ideas so different? Well according to a speech that was given this week, it's because I grew up in a broken home. That idea makes me more mad than anything. There are so many people who grow up in broken homes who become someone truly amazing. I know this is going to happen to me, but right now it feels so unattainable...
Today was scary. It's been a huge fight with myself, with religion, and unfortunately with the person whom I love the most. More than anything, I don't want to be alone. I want to stop feeling alone, but I also will get the things accomplished that I need to whether I have anyone there or not. In some ways it'd be easier to accomplish what I need to with people who know nothing about me. That plan always backfires though. If you go into a new situation thinking that you'll change all your habits, you're wrong, because it does take time to change over things.
I love R. I love him more than anything, and he's honestly been a miracle to me. Today seeing how he reacted to what I was saying, and how I felt as I saw him react, I realized that I never want to let him go. I want him by my side forever. I want to make sure to let him know that as often as possible, because he sure lets me know as often as possible.
There's going to be a bit of a flip around in this blog. The changes that I've been talking about have been occurring, and I want to use this blog to celebrate those changes, namely those in regard to my health. Regardless of having lots of negative emotion now, I'm going to heal, and heal oh so well. This is just one stumbling block in a bright future.
No comments:
Post a Comment