Maybe it's okay to be.. me.

I've always had to have things just right.

I had to have everybody be happy with me.

I had to have a certain way of living which involved me on more than one occasion being able to buy a new book.

I had to have my perfect, orderly way of life.

I wanted to be thin by the time I was 18 or I was going to have surgery done to make it so that I would be that way. (I'm 22 and am still not where I want to be weight wise.)

I wanted to be married with a kid by now. (Thank goodness that has happened! I love kids, but I'm enjoying the freedom.)

I wanted to be a stay at home wife.

Anyway, you get the picture. I just wanted everything to be just so. If it wasn't just so, I would retreat into my box and hide away.

These facts are even evident in my pictures on facebook. I think almost every single photo has been photoshopped because I haven't been happy with my over all appearance. Honestly, it kind of makes me sad. I don't wear make-up for the fact that I want to be up front with people, and yet I hide away all the time.

It's funny, doing this little confessional. Of course nobody's perfect, of course everybody has flaws.. but sometimes all you can see is your own.

Today something little changed that for me. I was thinking about how I'm not thin yet, how we don't have money, being nervous about the future and then I thought "Maybe it's okay to just be.. me." So what if I'm not where I want to be right now? I still want to be able to love this girl regardless. You see that girl in the picture? I'm now learning how to love her, flaws and all.