Perfectionism

School has put me into an interesting mindset. With having a majority of my course material being psychology or philosophy, I often have my mindset in that of either a philosopher or a psychologist. Did you know that these courses correspond tremendously well together? It's amazing how well they fit together. With this being said, there has been a lot more self-analysis which has happened. I've been amazed, and disgusted, but mostly I've just been being. Some thought processes have been scary, others have been wonderful, and some have been cold, numb or incredibly non-feeling. In regards to people, I've found myself to be more sad, angry, and yet happier than I've ever been.

I think the biggest analysis I've made on myself is the fact that I am a ridiculous perefectionist. This is a realization I came to last night. A friend asked me to go out, and I was really looking forward to it. Right before I met up with her, I was studying, even though it was a super long day at school and I NEVER study on Friday's beacuse of that fact. She laughed at that, and then we went out. I was trying to release, allow myself to be free-flowing... or even just relax. It was frustrating beyond anything I've felt. For the life of me, I just couldn't let go.. it was depressing. That was when I realized that I always had to have things just so. I was doing karaoke, and I'm used to being classically trained. I can't just sing a song for the sake of being silly, or not very often anyway. I did not have a healthy upbringing. I suppose beacuse of that I feel this abnormal need to have everything be just so. There's no room for things to not go according to plan. I think the worst part of this is that I didn't realize it, I never thought I was this way...

In pscyhology, we've been learning about a pscyhologist who brought fears into a child, and could also take them out. I'm trying to think of theories to let go of these things, quirks which I have. I simply don't want these fears anymore. It's sad, but I'm starting to find that life is harly worth living if I keep on staying close to the edge. I'm so afraid to let go...

I'm not who I once was. I'm not who I once was.

Someone told me that I had the potential to be really, truly happy. Perfectionism isn't always such a bad thing, but being afraid of everything is. I live my life based on fear, and I know that I have potential to live happily. There are things which need acceptance which I can't seem to be able to accept, and really, just throwing myself into a state where I allow myself to be free. I'm honestly the one who's not allowing it. I feel like a broken record sometimes. I recognize things cycle. Guess what? Cycles can be broken, but for now even just trying to heal from things which hurt would be a good place to start.

That's life.. it's just one step at a time.. I don't need to be perfect.. I guess I just need to be me...